Today – as I was driving to Connecticut to visit friends I finally found some time again to listen to the amazing scholar, Karen Armstrong, reading from her book “The Case For God”. Although, I’m sure I’d get so much more out of it if there weren’t young children yelling and asking incessant questions from the back seat.
Armstrong (in chapter 5 of her book) talks about Descartes, Newton, Locke, and Keppler – to name a few - and how people of the modern world wanted to explain God – provide proof. Although, I believe she said that Descartes argued against this approach. From what I could make out through the screaming of my kids, she spoke about how the great minds of this time philosophized about how everything has a reason, a motivator, a creator (i.e. all mass is inert unless it is moved, thus God must exist – or something like that).
Theories were established that God instilled divine principles of order and rules on the atomic level and then retired.
The theory or belief of there being intelligent design in nature isn’t something I disagree with but I always wonder about the oddities of nature. When things suddenly behave or develop differently than how they are supposed to.
Sometimes people refer to these things as miracles. Maybe they are just instances of free will. For even though I believe in some sort of destiny, I think that it’s not set in stone. That we still have some influence (or free will) depending on our actions – who we are or strive to be. So – maybe inexplicable phenomena and oddities in nature are just that. Free will. Rebellion. Chaos. Resistance. Whatever. Something of this kind….
Does that sound like a crazy thought process?
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
do you really pick your father/mother as your mate?
below my two cents about the psychoanalytic idea of one always choosing to love the person most resembling one's caretaker or as more refined versions of this theory claim - the most dysfunctional member of one's family.
i happen to agree with this to a point... BUT .... I also have my own personal (spiritual) explanation for it. ... why is this the case for so many people? why is it that we choose a mate that is like the most dysfunctional member of our family and more often than not try to fix him/her...or - more passively - hope for a change?
i think, we have this tendency built in for a reason. i think, it's god's way of balancing things out...of trying to fix things...of making people help certain people others would avoid. and they are making a change....even if it is just infinitely small, for i believe true love changes a person. ...
of course - this is an incredibly wild theory. one of my many spiritual theories that spring to mind trying to explain a certain phenomena we try to make sense of.
i happen to agree with this to a point... BUT .... I also have my own personal (spiritual) explanation for it. ... why is this the case for so many people? why is it that we choose a mate that is like the most dysfunctional member of our family and more often than not try to fix him/her...or - more passively - hope for a change?
i think, we have this tendency built in for a reason. i think, it's god's way of balancing things out...of trying to fix things...of making people help certain people others would avoid. and they are making a change....even if it is just infinitely small, for i believe true love changes a person. ...
of course - this is an incredibly wild theory. one of my many spiritual theories that spring to mind trying to explain a certain phenomena we try to make sense of.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
is there a god?
last night...as i went to sleep (saying a quick "thank you god" before i closed my eyes) my mind began to wander. it was one of those mini-epiphanies i sometimes have when i have contemplated a particular (often spiritual) subject for a long time...somehow in the back of my mind.
so, at this very moment - as i closed my eyes - i had a flash of doubt again, as i sometimes do. a doubt about my faith. a doubt about god's existence even though i have felt divine presence and have looked at life around me with a recognition of something metaphysical at work. a complicated and, yet, simple system that seems to have been put in place in our world. one layer of many many layers of a structure sometimes resembling the rules of a domino game.
and it all seems to be pretty much about one goal: do the right thing, be tolerant, and be forgiving.
sometimes the gratification or punishment for a good or bad deed are instant sometimes it takes years. but there definitely is something to the concept of karma.
sometimes i see it in just the way people so easily exercise prejudice or judgment over a person or a situation. you know nothing, i always think. you don't know where this person comes from, what experiences this person has had, if you would not act the same way had you had the same exact life....but most of all, i think, that one particular situation never looks the same to a person on the outside. only if you are directly involved do you know and even then you might be misguided or come to wrong conclusions.
anyway - what i actually wanted to write about was atheism. given that i was once again (even if only briefly) struck by doubt. that' s the rationalist in me. the one that says: "are you sure you don't just wish there was a god? "(i.e. you're making it all up?...a succession of suggestive self-fulfilling prophecies. -- ha - the irony. self-fulfilling "prophecy";)
i'm always wondering how someone otherwise so nice and insightful (i have several good friends who are atheists) doesn't feel like there is something missing to interpret things in their lives which are difficult to understand. maybe they have just been blessed by relatively normal lives. or it's just that they have been raised that way and what you don't know of, you're not going to be missing. they feel like they don't need god or the idea of something divine. life is life and that's it. and when it's over it's over.
to me, that always seems a little self-involved and blind to the connectedness between the things in this world. common structures of life. incredible facts of this world. entanglement theory, anyone?
why do the main monotheistic religions despise atheists? maybe, it's that same fear and close-mindedness. as god-believers we don't know what to do with someone who just doesn't. how would we convince them otherwise? we have no proof...we just know. it's as if my daughter would tell me she doesn't believe i love her. i can't prove that i love my child i can only try to show it in as many ways as i can possibly think of, but i can't physically prove that i really do love her. (i.e. i cannot solidify my emotion. it's not tangible.)
the problem with god is that he/she/it whatever is just too unimaginable for the human brain. we can't grasp the concept of god. some people then just believe. close their eyes and trust (some also look at history and the way ideas and scriptures have withstood all of the changes of human existence). people who truly believe, pay attention to the many little ways divine presence, love, and correction, even, is shown to us in every day life. .... atheists just don't want to close their eyes and open themselves to an experience they might not understand. they need to make sense of it, they need proof, they need something their little brain can work with. and when i say little brain i, of course, mean the human brain in general.
--- in a way, that's what happens with people who do wrong, as well. their eyes are closed. they think they're getting away with their wrong-doings and they don't even realize when they are being corrected or punished. --- but this is not to put atheists and people who do bad on the same level. i just want to clarify on that. again, i have very good friends who don't believe in god. i just don't understand how they can not ever wonder.... about life... it would be too small of a space for me to operate. i need to go wild with my philosophies...my analyses of life.
i'm not sure if i believe in hell or heaven. but i do believe that there is a point to this life which is beyond our understanding. we might be able to get a glimpse of the system, the structure, or even our place in this world but it won't come easy to us. it's hard work and we have to be dedicated to the idea. ... and i do believe, there is some sort of tendency to let oneself go, be selfish or even bad ... so if there is anything like the concept of evil or the devil... i think, that would be it. ... but this would be something to explore in another blog post.
so, at this very moment - as i closed my eyes - i had a flash of doubt again, as i sometimes do. a doubt about my faith. a doubt about god's existence even though i have felt divine presence and have looked at life around me with a recognition of something metaphysical at work. a complicated and, yet, simple system that seems to have been put in place in our world. one layer of many many layers of a structure sometimes resembling the rules of a domino game.
and it all seems to be pretty much about one goal: do the right thing, be tolerant, and be forgiving.
sometimes the gratification or punishment for a good or bad deed are instant sometimes it takes years. but there definitely is something to the concept of karma.
sometimes i see it in just the way people so easily exercise prejudice or judgment over a person or a situation. you know nothing, i always think. you don't know where this person comes from, what experiences this person has had, if you would not act the same way had you had the same exact life....but most of all, i think, that one particular situation never looks the same to a person on the outside. only if you are directly involved do you know and even then you might be misguided or come to wrong conclusions.
anyway - what i actually wanted to write about was atheism. given that i was once again (even if only briefly) struck by doubt. that' s the rationalist in me. the one that says: "are you sure you don't just wish there was a god? "(i.e. you're making it all up?...a succession of suggestive self-fulfilling prophecies. -- ha - the irony. self-fulfilling "prophecy";)
i'm always wondering how someone otherwise so nice and insightful (i have several good friends who are atheists) doesn't feel like there is something missing to interpret things in their lives which are difficult to understand. maybe they have just been blessed by relatively normal lives. or it's just that they have been raised that way and what you don't know of, you're not going to be missing. they feel like they don't need god or the idea of something divine. life is life and that's it. and when it's over it's over.
to me, that always seems a little self-involved and blind to the connectedness between the things in this world. common structures of life. incredible facts of this world. entanglement theory, anyone?
why do the main monotheistic religions despise atheists? maybe, it's that same fear and close-mindedness. as god-believers we don't know what to do with someone who just doesn't. how would we convince them otherwise? we have no proof...we just know. it's as if my daughter would tell me she doesn't believe i love her. i can't prove that i love my child i can only try to show it in as many ways as i can possibly think of, but i can't physically prove that i really do love her. (i.e. i cannot solidify my emotion. it's not tangible.)
the problem with god is that he/she/it whatever is just too unimaginable for the human brain. we can't grasp the concept of god. some people then just believe. close their eyes and trust (some also look at history and the way ideas and scriptures have withstood all of the changes of human existence). people who truly believe, pay attention to the many little ways divine presence, love, and correction, even, is shown to us in every day life. .... atheists just don't want to close their eyes and open themselves to an experience they might not understand. they need to make sense of it, they need proof, they need something their little brain can work with. and when i say little brain i, of course, mean the human brain in general.
--- in a way, that's what happens with people who do wrong, as well. their eyes are closed. they think they're getting away with their wrong-doings and they don't even realize when they are being corrected or punished. --- but this is not to put atheists and people who do bad on the same level. i just want to clarify on that. again, i have very good friends who don't believe in god. i just don't understand how they can not ever wonder.... about life... it would be too small of a space for me to operate. i need to go wild with my philosophies...my analyses of life.
i'm not sure if i believe in hell or heaven. but i do believe that there is a point to this life which is beyond our understanding. we might be able to get a glimpse of the system, the structure, or even our place in this world but it won't come easy to us. it's hard work and we have to be dedicated to the idea. ... and i do believe, there is some sort of tendency to let oneself go, be selfish or even bad ... so if there is anything like the concept of evil or the devil... i think, that would be it. ... but this would be something to explore in another blog post.
Friday, December 4, 2009
african dance could save me
yesterday was the first day in almost a month without pain (from wisdom tooth extraction, throat- and ear infection, canker sores from dental work, etc.). i even remember the moment i realized, for it was almost the exact same moment at which i burned my lips with the scalding hot coffee i had just overheated in the microwave of my central office. and one would think i'd learn from this experience (at least for the day) but - no. merely a few hours later i then burned my tongue with another cup of super-hot mocha. :p
also, as the day went on i realized that the painful tension in my back had returned, although, i am wondering whether it had been there all along (after all, it is chronic) only i hadn't noticed, for the pain in my mouth had been too overwhelming.
i remember, as a kid - when they would take me for blood-work or shots - i would bite into my other hand really hard as to distract my pain centers from the needle being pushed into my flesh. it always worked. so, i guess, this is what happened here with the mouth pain versus back pain.
i did find a potential solution for my back problem, though. yesterday evening i went to a west african dance class in harlem that J's sister had invited me to (or I had invited myself to when she posted it as her facebook status message two days earlier).
as usual, i was the only white girl in the crowd but i'm used to the looks now. ;) .... i was almost 25 min. late but people still were kinda just waiting around (most of them with the traditional dress, btw.) so i double-checked on the time. "doesn't this start at 7?" i asked a woman, who turned out to be the instructor. "girl, have you never heard of black-people-time?!" she said as she continued munching on her take-out food. i never thought there would be anyone who could beat arab-time (my father was notoriously late...and so am i) but i guess, i've met my match(es).
i went to change into my sweat-pants and when i returned J's sister had arrived - with her mother and her cousin. now - at least - i felt like i had a little posse and wasn't such a complete outsider. although, as it turned out - once we started doing moves - they were clearly beginners, as well.
african dance, as mentioned earlier, seems to be the perfect solution to my back problem. there is not a muscle you don't move in this style of dancing and it couldn' t have been cooler with the live drummers there. i absolutely loved it.
after the class i said my good-byes to J's family and went to get food at zen palate (on 46th st. and 9th) and then to the movies. sweaty and all. ;) -- i'm a bit embarrassed to say this but i saw "new moon" - sequel to the twilight saga - .... [*clearing throat*] .... for the second time.
i don't know what it is about this teenie movie that gets me. maybe it's the intensity of the love-story cuz it sure as hell can't be the acting. although, i must say ...the actors seem to have grown into their roles by now, for their performances were much better this time. it's hard to play these roles and not totally cross over the "too-corny" line. the script is so die-hard-romantic that you really have to be careful how you deliver it.
anyway, it got to me. and since i'm alone these days i can see whatever stupid movie i want, however often i want. ;)
also, as the day went on i realized that the painful tension in my back had returned, although, i am wondering whether it had been there all along (after all, it is chronic) only i hadn't noticed, for the pain in my mouth had been too overwhelming.
i remember, as a kid - when they would take me for blood-work or shots - i would bite into my other hand really hard as to distract my pain centers from the needle being pushed into my flesh. it always worked. so, i guess, this is what happened here with the mouth pain versus back pain.
i did find a potential solution for my back problem, though. yesterday evening i went to a west african dance class in harlem that J's sister had invited me to (or I had invited myself to when she posted it as her facebook status message two days earlier).
as usual, i was the only white girl in the crowd but i'm used to the looks now. ;) .... i was almost 25 min. late but people still were kinda just waiting around (most of them with the traditional dress, btw.) so i double-checked on the time. "doesn't this start at 7?" i asked a woman, who turned out to be the instructor. "girl, have you never heard of black-people-time?!" she said as she continued munching on her take-out food. i never thought there would be anyone who could beat arab-time (my father was notoriously late...and so am i) but i guess, i've met my match(es).
i went to change into my sweat-pants and when i returned J's sister had arrived - with her mother and her cousin. now - at least - i felt like i had a little posse and wasn't such a complete outsider. although, as it turned out - once we started doing moves - they were clearly beginners, as well.
african dance, as mentioned earlier, seems to be the perfect solution to my back problem. there is not a muscle you don't move in this style of dancing and it couldn' t have been cooler with the live drummers there. i absolutely loved it.
after the class i said my good-byes to J's family and went to get food at zen palate (on 46th st. and 9th) and then to the movies. sweaty and all. ;) -- i'm a bit embarrassed to say this but i saw "new moon" - sequel to the twilight saga - .... [*clearing throat*] .... for the second time.
i don't know what it is about this teenie movie that gets me. maybe it's the intensity of the love-story cuz it sure as hell can't be the acting. although, i must say ...the actors seem to have grown into their roles by now, for their performances were much better this time. it's hard to play these roles and not totally cross over the "too-corny" line. the script is so die-hard-romantic that you really have to be careful how you deliver it.
anyway, it got to me. and since i'm alone these days i can see whatever stupid movie i want, however often i want. ;)
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
are husbands better than boyfriends?
unbelievable. i am so hell-bent on preventing my kids from having a boyfriend - like EVER ;) [or at least until they're about 21] - that i'd rather tell my daughter J is my fiance than admit he's my boyfriend.
so, yes - nini (my now 5-yr old) asked me this morning whether i missed J.
yes, i said, i do. very much.
n: is he your boyfriend
me: ehm...no..he's more like my fiance (making sh*t up on the fly)
n: what's that?
me: that means you're planning to get married one day. ... but it's not a sure thing...i mean, ok - J is like my fiance 'slash' boyfriend.
n: so you're gonna marry J
me:(thinking: oh sh*t...where is this conversation going?!)..[slight panic] ....yes..maybe...depends...would you like that?
n: yes!
me: really??
me: yes! :)
me: ok. but it's not totally sure, yet and it might be quite a while until this happens (if at all).
nini: christmas? (which is when nini expects J to come back)
me: no, at christmas J is just coming to visit us. and that's not sure either.--- but nini - please don't tell anyone. it's not sure, yet. the whole marriage thing. ok?!
n: O.K.!
five minutes later my little gossip-aunt in the making was already out in the living room telling her older sister that i was getting married on christmas. so there they were, excitedly jumping up and down about mama tying the know. aahhhhhhh. what have i done?! this totally back-fired.
so, yes - nini (my now 5-yr old) asked me this morning whether i missed J.
yes, i said, i do. very much.
n: is he your boyfriend
me: ehm...no..he's more like my fiance (making sh*t up on the fly)
n: what's that?
me: that means you're planning to get married one day. ... but it's not a sure thing...i mean, ok - J is like my fiance 'slash' boyfriend.
n: so you're gonna marry J
me:(thinking: oh sh*t...where is this conversation going?!)..[slight panic] ....yes..maybe...depends...would you like that?
n: yes!
me: really??
me: yes! :)
me: ok. but it's not totally sure, yet and it might be quite a while until this happens (if at all).
nini: christmas? (which is when nini expects J to come back)
me: no, at christmas J is just coming to visit us. and that's not sure either.--- but nini - please don't tell anyone. it's not sure, yet. the whole marriage thing. ok?!
n: O.K.!
five minutes later my little gossip-aunt in the making was already out in the living room telling her older sister that i was getting married on christmas. so there they were, excitedly jumping up and down about mama tying the know. aahhhhhhh. what have i done?! this totally back-fired.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
irony is after me
i'm tired of always being "caught" when i'm doing "bad".
i can work hard like a dog all day - completely uninterrupted - not even take a lunch-break, but rest assured, the moment i decide to print out a couple of pictures i need (o.k. want) because my printer at home is shot and i can't do it after 5 because i have to leave to pick up the kids, 17 people will walk in because they suddenly need something, only to witness me profusely concentrated on these inappropriate office activities. -- and there is no way of being discreet about it either, for they will - guaranteed - walk in when my clearly not work-related picture is half-way out the printer, the images are still on the screen, or i am busy trimming it with the paper cutter.
i'm hungry.
(did i just say "profusely concentrated"? that sounds weird somehow but i'm too deprived of nutrition to figure out why.)
ps: watch - the moment i'll open blogger.com to post this someone will come into my office. i am testing my attraction to irony....or irony's attraction to me.
pps: --- believe it or not - the moment i published the post (i.e. no discreet typing on word-pad with other pretend work windows open on the screen possible, for need to log into blogger) someone walked in here.
i can work hard like a dog all day - completely uninterrupted - not even take a lunch-break, but rest assured, the moment i decide to print out a couple of pictures i need (o.k. want) because my printer at home is shot and i can't do it after 5 because i have to leave to pick up the kids, 17 people will walk in because they suddenly need something, only to witness me profusely concentrated on these inappropriate office activities. -- and there is no way of being discreet about it either, for they will - guaranteed - walk in when my clearly not work-related picture is half-way out the printer, the images are still on the screen, or i am busy trimming it with the paper cutter.
i'm hungry.
(did i just say "profusely concentrated"? that sounds weird somehow but i'm too deprived of nutrition to figure out why.)
ps: watch - the moment i'll open blogger.com to post this someone will come into my office. i am testing my attraction to irony....or irony's attraction to me.
pps: --- believe it or not - the moment i published the post (i.e. no discreet typing on word-pad with other pretend work windows open on the screen possible, for need to log into blogger) someone walked in here.
Monday, November 30, 2009
got my fix
remember how i said i was going to suggest to J that we should maybe speak even less (see letter in a previous post somewhere). well, i couldn't even bring this sentence over my lips when he called me yesterday evening - as we had agreed 10 days ago.
i was just so happy to hear from him that i couldn't even imagine not talking to him anymore. this love really is like an addiction i tell you. we spoke for almost 2 hours and it felt like 15 minutes. the only reason we ended our conversation was because they turned the lights off in the recovery home he is in and because my phone was about to die.
after, i felt like i had just got my fix. i was so relaxed and so content and i think i'll be able to hold on until next sunday when we shall speak again.
i was just so happy to hear from him that i couldn't even imagine not talking to him anymore. this love really is like an addiction i tell you. we spoke for almost 2 hours and it felt like 15 minutes. the only reason we ended our conversation was because they turned the lights off in the recovery home he is in and because my phone was about to die.
after, i felt like i had just got my fix. i was so relaxed and so content and i think i'll be able to hold on until next sunday when we shall speak again.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
how you will pick the person you love
i once heard a psychologist in a woody allen movie (manhattan?) say, not the familiar freudian quote that we pick as our lovers people that most resemble our caregivers, but that we will love someone who most resembles the most dysfunctional member in our immediate family. ... i couldn't have agreed more but only recently have i understood my personal truth in this statement. in my case i'd say i have two really dysfunctional people in my family. both of my brothers. the older one is a drug addict, the younger one is most definitely bi-polar. .... and who do i now consider the true love of my life - my soulmate even? -- a bipolar addict.
well, let's hope the addiction aspect will change after J comes out of this recovery program.
i am posting quite a lot these days. i tell you, that's why writers are better off being miserable. no good reading material comes out of happy writers (unless you're into children's books or self-help stuff).
well, let's hope the addiction aspect will change after J comes out of this recovery program.
i am posting quite a lot these days. i tell you, that's why writers are better off being miserable. no good reading material comes out of happy writers (unless you're into children's books or self-help stuff).
Saturday, November 28, 2009
how not to vacation
last one of my selected older posts for today. i think. - (when i wrote this my mother was visiting. ava was 2 years old and nini just a few months and we rented a house in cape cod with 2 more family constellations.)
**********************************
september 7, 2004
cape cod vacation report
day one: want to leave by 10 am. make it out the house by 2:30pm. get to cape cod 11p.m. (i.e. take 4 hours longer than mapquest predicted). swear to not do this ever again. then remember have to come back to nyc. realize I shouldn't have let D trick me into coming to cape cod without him. now stuck with all work of two little kids by myself. mom here but as guest mostly. cannot take more than an hour with two-year-old then cracks and has hysterical fit. realize where my patience (or the lack of it) is coming from.
day two: enlist my mother for only a minute of toddler watch, while I help Giselle carry something upstairs. come back down. mom is making tea and Ava is gone. I run outside. no Ava. run to front of house (where street is) and catch last glimpse of Ava disappearing in neighbor's yard carrying a basketball. I dart on street and break all currently existing olympic sprinting records to get Ava from neighbor's yard. want to cry and stuff but can't. want to beat her but can't. don't know how to make her understand that such behavior is terrorizingly scary. maybe I should beat her after all so she'll remember. but can't. too happy and grateful that nothing happened. mom feels guilty but doesn't know what to say. me neither. starting to get cured of my latest house hunger (i.e. no more desire for any suburban life. begin to appreciate confinements of city apartment living.)
day three: finally make it out the house and to the beach before sunset. it's kinda cold. bathing suit is put ad acta (probably for the better anyway. post-partum body view spared to poor onlookers). Ava collects seashells with grandma while I try to shield my 4-month old (Nini) from hurricane-like winds. when leaving beach mom can't find her sandals. claims have cost her a hundred bucks. she's close to crying so I decide to swallow my comment that they look like "payless". damn ghetto cape cod bastards must have stolen shoes. ;) ... mom can't see humor in any of my comments. is close to panic. tell her that shoes have probably been carried up the hill to exit by someone thinking they've been lost. turns out to be true. mom relaxes. I make mistake to tell her that panic in her eyes about lost shoes has been more strikingly intense than panic when Ava got lost. meant it as joke but mom doesn't think it's funny. is offended. exhausted. fall asleep at 9pm when putting down kids. get back up 11:30. everyone went to bed. go to 7-11 to full-fill bad cravings. pay 8 dollars for ice-cream i didn't want to pay $4 for earlier in day while shopping at normal-prized supermarket. don't give a shit. deserve it.
day four: things begin to be a blur. need sleep and another parent in the house whom I can deem responsible. Ava now accomplished escape artist. all features of house which looked great on website before arrival have now turned into whole-heartedly hated toddler danger-zones (hot-tub in back, second floor deck, huge house, etc.). need food. no time to eat. have lived on oreo-cookies all day while the rest of the vacation troop (13 people) eat lobster for lunch and dinner. contemplating about ways to keep track of 2-year old. seriously consider henna-tattoo on Ava "If lost, please call ...". Fantasize about implantation of GPS device in toddler. must come in handy when teenager, too. good investment. wonder if possible. other alternatives: dog-collar thingy (electric fence?) .. too cruel? .... beeper thingy ...but not effective cause will only let me know when toddler moves further than 20 feet away... -> but where to??...so basically, is device that tells me kid is lost.
day five: need vacation from vacation. decide to take mom and kids to beach far away from all. nice day. mom walks/dances with baby in snugli and Santana in ear up and down the shore. then waves to couple of sea-lions close by shore. I try not to look related to her. she calls me loudly (because headphones on) "Saaaage, wave to the sealions!!! Come on! They can see us!" “You’re such a hippie!” I think and pretend to be too involved with Ava's sand-castle architecture (..... sand-castle desperately in need of both - architecture and involvement). after beach we go to Provincetown. loving it although temperatures and winds call for immediate trip to sweater shop. explain to mom that P-town is Eldorado of gay people. Mom didn't realize and begins to pay attention. entertaining to watch mom. ;) eat seven dollar cheese sandwich. decide to skip the coke(save money) and go home for thirst quenching.
day six: long night. when it's not the kids it's my too vivid imagination keeping me up. can't get over the fact that we're staying in an old schoolhouse (from 1800s). have made mistake of reading historical clippings framed in hallways. saw one picture of little kids with creepy looking eyes. beg not to read about any deaths in article next to picture. read about death of one child in front of school-house. struck by horse-carriage in 1846. school-house closed after that. .... sigh. won't sleep now for sure. ...what's that noise??? Adam (one of Giselle's teenage kids) tells me plot of The Others. ... really didn't need to know that. decide I want to go home now. maybe better for all of us.
day seven: D arrives. praise the lord. i get a day off! or something like it. i get sick. spend day in bed. come out only in evening to look for some food and coffee. try to heat up old coffee in microwave. cup very hot. spill it all over my hand. in pain bang my ankle on open kitchen cabinet door. "first-aid" myself with anti-burn cream and such. return to bed.
day eight: last day at beach. freezing but I'm making D walk in sand with me. i'm having my romantic walk on the beach and that's that. D cuts himself on seashell. Ava climbs onto life-guard tower. ... and mom is dancing to Santana somewhere with baby whipped around by wind. plan to leave cape no later than 8pm. make it out the house by 11pm. positive on-look: no holiday traffic now for sure and kids asleep (no stopping, no screaming, no hassle). going 80mph most of the way arrive in nyc 4 hours later. Ava awake. 3:15 am. Decides she wants to play with her "little people" now. too tired to argue. Ava goes to sleep 4 am. wakes up 11 am. consider this method for future use, when getting to bed late. just wake up Ava in middle of night to play for while, so she'll sleep in the morning. Bad parenting anyone? .... Unfortunately, I still have to get up with baby at 7 a.m. Day flies by my deliriously tired self. Take afternoon nap. Leave house with kids at sunset to get at least a little bit of fresh air. Pick playground where something must have died a week ago in the neighboring woods. Feel like puking most of time. Ava seems to not care. Have to drag her out after we (adults) cannot possibly take it any minute longer.
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september 7, 2004
cape cod vacation report
day one: want to leave by 10 am. make it out the house by 2:30pm. get to cape cod 11p.m. (i.e. take 4 hours longer than mapquest predicted). swear to not do this ever again. then remember have to come back to nyc. realize I shouldn't have let D trick me into coming to cape cod without him. now stuck with all work of two little kids by myself. mom here but as guest mostly. cannot take more than an hour with two-year-old then cracks and has hysterical fit. realize where my patience (or the lack of it) is coming from.
day two: enlist my mother for only a minute of toddler watch, while I help Giselle carry something upstairs. come back down. mom is making tea and Ava is gone. I run outside. no Ava. run to front of house (where street is) and catch last glimpse of Ava disappearing in neighbor's yard carrying a basketball. I dart on street and break all currently existing olympic sprinting records to get Ava from neighbor's yard. want to cry and stuff but can't. want to beat her but can't. don't know how to make her understand that such behavior is terrorizingly scary. maybe I should beat her after all so she'll remember. but can't. too happy and grateful that nothing happened. mom feels guilty but doesn't know what to say. me neither. starting to get cured of my latest house hunger (i.e. no more desire for any suburban life. begin to appreciate confinements of city apartment living.)
day three: finally make it out the house and to the beach before sunset. it's kinda cold. bathing suit is put ad acta (probably for the better anyway. post-partum body view spared to poor onlookers). Ava collects seashells with grandma while I try to shield my 4-month old (Nini) from hurricane-like winds. when leaving beach mom can't find her sandals. claims have cost her a hundred bucks. she's close to crying so I decide to swallow my comment that they look like "payless". damn ghetto cape cod bastards must have stolen shoes. ;) ... mom can't see humor in any of my comments. is close to panic. tell her that shoes have probably been carried up the hill to exit by someone thinking they've been lost. turns out to be true. mom relaxes. I make mistake to tell her that panic in her eyes about lost shoes has been more strikingly intense than panic when Ava got lost. meant it as joke but mom doesn't think it's funny. is offended. exhausted. fall asleep at 9pm when putting down kids. get back up 11:30. everyone went to bed. go to 7-11 to full-fill bad cravings. pay 8 dollars for ice-cream i didn't want to pay $4 for earlier in day while shopping at normal-prized supermarket. don't give a shit. deserve it.
day four: things begin to be a blur. need sleep and another parent in the house whom I can deem responsible. Ava now accomplished escape artist. all features of house which looked great on website before arrival have now turned into whole-heartedly hated toddler danger-zones (hot-tub in back, second floor deck, huge house, etc.). need food. no time to eat. have lived on oreo-cookies all day while the rest of the vacation troop (13 people) eat lobster for lunch and dinner. contemplating about ways to keep track of 2-year old. seriously consider henna-tattoo on Ava "If lost, please call ...". Fantasize about implantation of GPS device in toddler. must come in handy when teenager, too. good investment. wonder if possible. other alternatives: dog-collar thingy (electric fence?) .. too cruel? .... beeper thingy ...but not effective cause will only let me know when toddler moves further than 20 feet away... -> but where to??...so basically, is device that tells me kid is lost.
day five: need vacation from vacation. decide to take mom and kids to beach far away from all. nice day. mom walks/dances with baby in snugli and Santana in ear up and down the shore. then waves to couple of sea-lions close by shore. I try not to look related to her. she calls me loudly (because headphones on) "Saaaage, wave to the sealions!!! Come on! They can see us!" “You’re such a hippie!” I think and pretend to be too involved with Ava's sand-castle architecture (..... sand-castle desperately in need of both - architecture and involvement). after beach we go to Provincetown. loving it although temperatures and winds call for immediate trip to sweater shop. explain to mom that P-town is Eldorado of gay people. Mom didn't realize and begins to pay attention. entertaining to watch mom. ;) eat seven dollar cheese sandwich. decide to skip the coke(save money) and go home for thirst quenching.
day six: long night. when it's not the kids it's my too vivid imagination keeping me up. can't get over the fact that we're staying in an old schoolhouse (from 1800s). have made mistake of reading historical clippings framed in hallways. saw one picture of little kids with creepy looking eyes. beg not to read about any deaths in article next to picture. read about death of one child in front of school-house. struck by horse-carriage in 1846. school-house closed after that. .... sigh. won't sleep now for sure. ...what's that noise??? Adam (one of Giselle's teenage kids) tells me plot of The Others. ... really didn't need to know that. decide I want to go home now. maybe better for all of us.
day seven: D arrives. praise the lord. i get a day off! or something like it. i get sick. spend day in bed. come out only in evening to look for some food and coffee. try to heat up old coffee in microwave. cup very hot. spill it all over my hand. in pain bang my ankle on open kitchen cabinet door. "first-aid" myself with anti-burn cream and such. return to bed.
day eight: last day at beach. freezing but I'm making D walk in sand with me. i'm having my romantic walk on the beach and that's that. D cuts himself on seashell. Ava climbs onto life-guard tower. ... and mom is dancing to Santana somewhere with baby whipped around by wind. plan to leave cape no later than 8pm. make it out the house by 11pm. positive on-look: no holiday traffic now for sure and kids asleep (no stopping, no screaming, no hassle). going 80mph most of the way arrive in nyc 4 hours later. Ava awake. 3:15 am. Decides she wants to play with her "little people" now. too tired to argue. Ava goes to sleep 4 am. wakes up 11 am. consider this method for future use, when getting to bed late. just wake up Ava in middle of night to play for while, so she'll sleep in the morning. Bad parenting anyone? .... Unfortunately, I still have to get up with baby at 7 a.m. Day flies by my deliriously tired self. Take afternoon nap. Leave house with kids at sunset to get at least a little bit of fresh air. Pick playground where something must have died a week ago in the neighboring woods. Feel like puking most of time. Ava seems to not care. Have to drag her out after we (adults) cannot possibly take it any minute longer.
motherhood & separation stories
something else from my selected posts list (old blog):
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august 27, 2004
did someone slip ecstasy into my daughter's milk?
First of all, I admire all women who stay at home with young children and not go insane. I think, I would have to be placed on suicide-watch if I had to do this (stay home with 2 young ones) all day, every day of the year. I wonder, how 2-year-olds make it to their third birthday, at all. I mean, I can't expect every parent to be knowledgeable, reasonable, well-read or somewhat controlled. Not that I am any or all of that but maybe some of it. How did toddlers survive in medieval times? How do they survive with someone who has no understanding of a child this age? ... At the moment, I just want to beat her all day and if I didn't know better I probably would. She is driving me up the wall and only a mother would understand.
Now I FINALLY understand the outbursts of my mom. The few ones she had when I was around Ava's age and which I never forgot. A slap in the face, a time-out in the boiler-room, a good shaking in search for any sense in me. Don't get me wrong, these were exceptions to the rule ...I was actually raised laissez-faire .... but I remember these few moments like yesterday (although, that expression isn't to be taken literally, for I don't really remember what the hell I did yesterday).
So, I am being very careful (and very grown-up, although I don't want to be) to avoid any traumatic experiences for Ava. But I'm a ticking time-bomb so sooner or later, I'm inevitably going to show her that moment of shameful weakness of mine....at which I tell her something unnecessarily mean ... and she'll remember it forever.
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so, my first daughter is now 7 years old, and i'm happy to report that i didn't traumatize her with anything i did or said. unfortunately, she did get traumatized by a bad moment in her young life, anyway. two moments. it was during the highly emotional times of ending my marriage with her father. two very bad days at which he lost it and physically attacked me.
Luckily, I have since managed to bring everything back to civility. And I did this with a lot of kindness, even in the many months after our separation during which he was just an absolutely infuriating version of himself. Insulting, aggressive, mean, you name it. And, instead of firing back I always always held my tongue and appealed to his rationale instead. I was able to do this only because of my children. They came first to me - before any burning desire to shoot back at their father with equal hostility.
Today, I am happy to report that I think I've managed to create an environment for my children which makes them understand that their parents are still their parents, only that their family circle has expanded. I make a point out of showing their little brother love and attention, something especially Ava notices and values. And this didn't come as natural to me in the beginning as it does now. After all, the kid was conceived only a month or two after D left our marriage of 12 years. The woman he is with he also knew beforehand but I know better than to touch that. It's irrelevant. All I care about now is that our relationship (between all of us) is as amicable as it can be -- for the sake of the children.
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august 27, 2004
did someone slip ecstasy into my daughter's milk?
First of all, I admire all women who stay at home with young children and not go insane. I think, I would have to be placed on suicide-watch if I had to do this (stay home with 2 young ones) all day, every day of the year. I wonder, how 2-year-olds make it to their third birthday, at all. I mean, I can't expect every parent to be knowledgeable, reasonable, well-read or somewhat controlled. Not that I am any or all of that but maybe some of it. How did toddlers survive in medieval times? How do they survive with someone who has no understanding of a child this age? ... At the moment, I just want to beat her all day and if I didn't know better I probably would. She is driving me up the wall and only a mother would understand.
Now I FINALLY understand the outbursts of my mom. The few ones she had when I was around Ava's age and which I never forgot. A slap in the face, a time-out in the boiler-room, a good shaking in search for any sense in me. Don't get me wrong, these were exceptions to the rule ...I was actually raised laissez-faire .... but I remember these few moments like yesterday (although, that expression isn't to be taken literally, for I don't really remember what the hell I did yesterday).
So, I am being very careful (and very grown-up, although I don't want to be) to avoid any traumatic experiences for Ava. But I'm a ticking time-bomb so sooner or later, I'm inevitably going to show her that moment of shameful weakness of mine....at which I tell her something unnecessarily mean ... and she'll remember it forever.
*************************************
so, my first daughter is now 7 years old, and i'm happy to report that i didn't traumatize her with anything i did or said. unfortunately, she did get traumatized by a bad moment in her young life, anyway. two moments. it was during the highly emotional times of ending my marriage with her father. two very bad days at which he lost it and physically attacked me.
Luckily, I have since managed to bring everything back to civility. And I did this with a lot of kindness, even in the many months after our separation during which he was just an absolutely infuriating version of himself. Insulting, aggressive, mean, you name it. And, instead of firing back I always always held my tongue and appealed to his rationale instead. I was able to do this only because of my children. They came first to me - before any burning desire to shoot back at their father with equal hostility.
Today, I am happy to report that I think I've managed to create an environment for my children which makes them understand that their parents are still their parents, only that their family circle has expanded. I make a point out of showing their little brother love and attention, something especially Ava notices and values. And this didn't come as natural to me in the beginning as it does now. After all, the kid was conceived only a month or two after D left our marriage of 12 years. The woman he is with he also knew beforehand but I know better than to touch that. It's irrelevant. All I care about now is that our relationship (between all of us) is as amicable as it can be -- for the sake of the children.
strange career choices
i've been reading through my old blogs. ... i think i'm going to pull some of my entries out and repost them. here we go. one of them:
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strange career choices [august 7th, 2004]
I just filed an application for the NYPD test. I didn't know they only give those admission-tests every 4 or 5 years, and since I've been playing with the thought of being a cop in NYC for a few years (to see what it's like and to get to park whereever I need to) I figured, I better take that test. It might take up to 4 years if and until they assign you. After filing the application I wondered what the hell I'm doing. I'm no cop-material. I'm a pacifist and I don't think that's a helpful character trait to make it in the NYPD. Also, I don't think the pay is too good. And I hate it when people lie or do wrong things when they KNOW it's wrong. All things of a day in the life of a cop, no? So, I suppose, to land this job I need to watch lots of DeNiro and Morgan Freeman movies and work on that bitch-gear I was talking about in an earlier post. I also need to get comfortable with the fact that there will be guns involved in my daily work-load. Guns that might be fired. At me.
... ok. maybe I should just stick with using my camera to shoot. I really miss not being able to find the time for my photography projects anymore. Street-photography is my thing but I can't just walk the streets (usually in the Bronx) with my two little children in tow. sigh. What is a woman to do? Maybe I'm too old for a career change...after all I am turning 30 soon ...aaaaaaahhhhhhhhrgg
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Ha, ha... 30. That was five (5!) years ago. Wow, and I had no clue where my life was going to take me. Now, my kids are in school, I'm divorced, in love with another man, and my photography has developed in other ways.
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strange career choices [august 7th, 2004]
I just filed an application for the NYPD test. I didn't know they only give those admission-tests every 4 or 5 years, and since I've been playing with the thought of being a cop in NYC for a few years (to see what it's like and to get to park whereever I need to) I figured, I better take that test. It might take up to 4 years if and until they assign you. After filing the application I wondered what the hell I'm doing. I'm no cop-material. I'm a pacifist and I don't think that's a helpful character trait to make it in the NYPD. Also, I don't think the pay is too good. And I hate it when people lie or do wrong things when they KNOW it's wrong. All things of a day in the life of a cop, no? So, I suppose, to land this job I need to watch lots of DeNiro and Morgan Freeman movies and work on that bitch-gear I was talking about in an earlier post. I also need to get comfortable with the fact that there will be guns involved in my daily work-load. Guns that might be fired. At me.
... ok. maybe I should just stick with using my camera to shoot. I really miss not being able to find the time for my photography projects anymore. Street-photography is my thing but I can't just walk the streets (usually in the Bronx) with my two little children in tow. sigh. What is a woman to do? Maybe I'm too old for a career change...after all I am turning 30 soon ...aaaaaaahhhhhhhhrgg
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Ha, ha... 30. That was five (5!) years ago. Wow, and I had no clue where my life was going to take me. Now, my kids are in school, I'm divorced, in love with another man, and my photography has developed in other ways.
always full of hope
I don't know why I fall for these ladies selling boot-legged DVDs on the street. It's such a typical thing for me to do: always being hopeful; in this case ... always hoping for better quality, although, in all the years I've ever sprang for a movie off the street I have yet to get one that's not completely beyond any watchable quality.
New resolution: This shall have been the last day I've bought a bootlegged DVD on the street. The kind of crap I managed to exchange my money for today is probably the worst ever. The camera is hand-held and, judging from the resolution, probably some 1980s archetype of a camera; heads are cut off just above the bottom lip (making one aware of the importance of eyes to read a person's facial expression) , and people in the theater are laughing and talking (even though the movie isn't supposed to be funny).
I mean, if you're going to make the effort to go and set up your video camera in the movie theater then at least show some dedication, for the garbage on those DVDs is just not worth the potential prison sentence you might face for this. You might as well sell a blank DVD (less risky) and rip off your costumers that way. There is no way I'd ever be able to track down that friendly Korean lady who ensured me of a "top quality product".
I'm so easy to fool, it's sad.
Tell me anything, and I'll probably believe it.
I just continue to believe in people.
New resolution: This shall have been the last day I've bought a bootlegged DVD on the street. The kind of crap I managed to exchange my money for today is probably the worst ever. The camera is hand-held and, judging from the resolution, probably some 1980s archetype of a camera; heads are cut off just above the bottom lip (making one aware of the importance of eyes to read a person's facial expression) , and people in the theater are laughing and talking (even though the movie isn't supposed to be funny).
I mean, if you're going to make the effort to go and set up your video camera in the movie theater then at least show some dedication, for the garbage on those DVDs is just not worth the potential prison sentence you might face for this. You might as well sell a blank DVD (less risky) and rip off your costumers that way. There is no way I'd ever be able to track down that friendly Korean lady who ensured me of a "top quality product".
I'm so easy to fool, it's sad.
Tell me anything, and I'll probably believe it.
I just continue to believe in people.
Friday, November 27, 2009
when love is an addiction
Letter to J
Long day. Finally sat down. Went to doctor in the morning. Ear-infection again. :p Then – the rest of the day – kids kids kids. On those days, I miss your daughter more than usual(ly). She would have so much fun. The girls ask for her, too.
Today, I am feeling a bit anxious. Looking forward to talking to you on Sunday but at the same time wondering whether it might actually be better to speak even less. Not because I don’t want to but because if I don’t speak to you for a few days I feel the void you’ve left more than ever.
The past week I have often felt like an addict who can’t get her fix.
I just miss you so much and not hearing anything at all from you makes it worse. What does make it easier is time. So, I guess, the longer I don’t speak to you the easier it is to handle my tendencies to slip into a depressive state. – Luckily, I’m not the type to get so depressed that I need to be medicated to function but my behavior does change. I become Ms. Hermit and social interactions are just a symptom of my fear to be alone (and to think about how many more seemingly endless long weeks and months without you I have to spend).
Anyway, … I miss you.
And if you now are going to write me back to this email and NOT the other 35 letters I must have written you in the past month, I’m gonna come down there and kick your a**.
;) hope all is going well and moving forward with the program.
I am proud of your dedication and commitment.
Love,
S.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
avoid the path of "what ifs"
Jeez… one week without speaking to J and I am like a kickin’ addict. How am I going to make it until freaggin’ May without seeing him? Also, .. he’s not responding to any of my mails to him. I guess, he’s really focusing on what he’s supposed to focus on in this program – and that’s definitely not his girlfriend.
But…my mind is evil sometimes…and it gets me on the path of “what ifs”. …what if he’s been talking to his ex-wife instead? What if he’s going to work on a reunion, after all and isn't telling me? What if they (the church) convince him that that's the better (Christian) route to go? Or...what if the absence of his contact to the outside world (i.e. me) makes his state of mind worse …(more prone to irrational brain-wash-susceptible stuff)?
I miss him just sooooo much!!!! It truly hurts my heart.
Ugh.
-- good thing this is an anonymous blog, for I can't tell you how annoying it is to hear myself be such a love-tied wimp. I'd like to think of myself above it all...but I guess I'm far from that.
But…my mind is evil sometimes…and it gets me on the path of “what ifs”. …what if he’s been talking to his ex-wife instead? What if he’s going to work on a reunion, after all and isn't telling me? What if they (the church) convince him that that's the better (Christian) route to go? Or...what if the absence of his contact to the outside world (i.e. me) makes his state of mind worse …(more prone to irrational brain-wash-susceptible stuff)?
I miss him just sooooo much!!!! It truly hurts my heart.
Ugh.
-- good thing this is an anonymous blog, for I can't tell you how annoying it is to hear myself be such a love-tied wimp. I'd like to think of myself above it all...but I guess I'm far from that.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
false alarm and new resolutions
I had just tried calling J a few times to tell him that I think it’s all BS and that whatever he needs to do is fine, but I’ll be his friend, at least, and that comes with me calling him once in a while to talk. I didn’t get through.
Then my cell rang. It was J. He had snuck (sp.?) out and was calling me “undercover” so-to-say. He told me it was all BS but that he had to do it as part of the program and as one of the requirements -- break all relationships, especially one with a girlfriend. So, basically – somebody else was next to him when he called me to break up.
I can’t tell you how happy I was to hear from him. I was so miserable all day (besides the excruciating pain from the wisdom tooth extraction I still suffer from, even after 10 days now). I know it’s pathetic but I can’t imagine my life without him. It would just be a gaping void forever. Yes, I could maybe eventually get over it, …. live life to the fullest…but the truth is…he’d always be missing, for I would always want to share everything with him. He is the one....as corny as that might sound.
***
The next evening he called me to inform me that he told them the truth after all. Told them that he really wants to do the program and is taking it seriously but that they couldn't just make him stop loving the person he loves. He also mentioned that we should - at least - speak less, so he would truly open up to his counselor instead of always waiting for me to call and talk. ... I reluctantly agreed. Once a week it is.
... Reality (and realizations about what is best) is a tough bit to chew on these days.
Then my cell rang. It was J. He had snuck (sp.?) out and was calling me “undercover” so-to-say. He told me it was all BS but that he had to do it as part of the program and as one of the requirements -- break all relationships, especially one with a girlfriend. So, basically – somebody else was next to him when he called me to break up.
I can’t tell you how happy I was to hear from him. I was so miserable all day (besides the excruciating pain from the wisdom tooth extraction I still suffer from, even after 10 days now). I know it’s pathetic but I can’t imagine my life without him. It would just be a gaping void forever. Yes, I could maybe eventually get over it, …. live life to the fullest…but the truth is…he’d always be missing, for I would always want to share everything with him. He is the one....as corny as that might sound.
***
The next evening he called me to inform me that he told them the truth after all. Told them that he really wants to do the program and is taking it seriously but that they couldn't just make him stop loving the person he loves. He also mentioned that we should - at least - speak less, so he would truly open up to his counselor instead of always waiting for me to call and talk. ... I reluctantly agreed. Once a week it is.
... Reality (and realizations about what is best) is a tough bit to chew on these days.
people, places, things
J just called to break up with me. I think, it’s part of the program. Magi, who has been in recovery programs when she was younger (getting off a Heroine addiction) says “people, places, things” – something J has mentioned before, as well. Apparently all the things of the past can be a trigger. Anyway…it hurts and it’s depressing. But maybe it’s good for me, for I think the one true addiction I have is J.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve been the victim of a hit & run, for I can’t even call him back to talk about it more. This is going to be so tough….
I think, what will maybe make me feel better is go into my previous journal and read the 66 pages of awfulness (i.e. the things he’s done to me…the kind of person he might still be underneath it all.) ... Of course, then there is still my mind and my memory, which seems to mostly have retained the positive. The perfection of our relationship and utter happiness (when he was sober).
I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve been the victim of a hit & run, for I can’t even call him back to talk about it more. This is going to be so tough….
I think, what will maybe make me feel better is go into my previous journal and read the 66 pages of awfulness (i.e. the things he’s done to me…the kind of person he might still be underneath it all.) ... Of course, then there is still my mind and my memory, which seems to mostly have retained the positive. The perfection of our relationship and utter happiness (when he was sober).
Sunday, November 15, 2009
letters to J
hey you,
just wanted to say hello and tell you about my week/day.
- on monday my wisdom tooth was pulled and i've been in pain ever since. :p
- Magi is having problems with Jebou at the moment and i am spending quite some time being her cheerleader. ... and just for the record and to support one of my theories: even a consensual opening of the marriage bed to someone else can (and most likely will) create problems. ... Jebou slept with another woman, but Magi was there and I'm pretty sure she was involved in the encouragement of the situation. It happened on her birthday night, and I witnessed her behavior at the restaurant - with the woman (and Jebou). It was very sensual and open. But, she says, she was drunk. I couldn't tell...and I was completely sober. She seemed fine to me...maybe a little bit cheery. Anyway, long story short....she is thinking of leaving him (cuz he is so non-chalant about it...understandably...but not very in-tune with his wife's feelings)...she loves him but the event took such a toll on her that she is short of totally crashing. -- I tell you .... all this 'open relationship' garbage doesn' t really work. It takes two very open-minded/hippiesque and self-confident partners to allow for something like this and walk away from it without scars. And personally, I'm not sure it works at all if you truly love the person. ... In my head I would want to make you happy...and in my head I think I could handle it .. but what if the same thing happens as happened to Magi? ...when she changed her mind about how she felt about it after the fact. ... I think, I would have to leave the relationship....(and even if it would just be for a while). ... well, who knows what the future will bring.... -- anyway, i really hope they'll make it through this. i guess, that's what makes a strong marriage. when you make it through sh*t like this.
hmmm..what else...
- charles calls once in a while to ask how you are doing and wants me to always tell you that he's thinking of you ("but not in a gay way" as he emphasizes ;). so...i'm finally passing that message along. also, mic sends you a big palm, she says. magi sends all her love to you and your mother is feeling so much better now that she knows you are safe. she is going to get back to her assistant principal program. i spoke to her twice in this time that you've been away.
- your wife and your daughter are looking beautiful as always (although, you can see for yourself - on facebook- once you finally get your little internet time).
- D is driving me nuts as usual but i've found a way to make him make up for his complete financial ineptitude: whenever he has a 1/2 hour -- waiting for his woman to get out of work/class, for example -- and stops by with all the children, i put him to work. so far, he's installed shades, put up the cabinets for kids, mirrors, etc. ... i'm gonna make a list. ;) ... this curtails my anger a bit....because, most of the time i'm just angry at him (for not being any financial help).
Other than that…
- thinking of planning some time at a beach (with giselle and magi, maybe). not sure when. ... i also wouldn't mind skiing but nobody knows how to ski. i need to diversify my social circle and make some non-latino/caribbean friends...some nordic people. ;) -- and don't bother telling me i'm stereotyping - i'm joking, of course.
- kids are growing and are being cute. yesterday, nini brought me breakfast in bed! she even cut the crust of the sandwich. ;) it was really too cute. ... later that day she whispered that she wants to be a boy. a boy that can play with barbies, and glitter make-up, too. When I asked her why she wanted to be a boy she said that she likes boys and likes to be cool like them but they don't want to play with her because she is a girl. ;) -- I tried to explain the concept of a tomboy to her but don't think she got it. At 5 years of age, I told her, I wanted to be a boy, too. In fact most of my youth I wanted to be a boy, for they just got to do cooler stuff and play rougher. But, I ensured her, one day you'll be happy to be a girl. :)
just wanted to say hello and tell you about my week/day.
- on monday my wisdom tooth was pulled and i've been in pain ever since. :p
- Magi is having problems with Jebou at the moment and i am spending quite some time being her cheerleader. ... and just for the record and to support one of my theories: even a consensual opening of the marriage bed to someone else can (and most likely will) create problems. ... Jebou slept with another woman, but Magi was there and I'm pretty sure she was involved in the encouragement of the situation. It happened on her birthday night, and I witnessed her behavior at the restaurant - with the woman (and Jebou). It was very sensual and open. But, she says, she was drunk. I couldn't tell...and I was completely sober. She seemed fine to me...maybe a little bit cheery. Anyway, long story short....she is thinking of leaving him (cuz he is so non-chalant about it...understandably...but not very in-tune with his wife's feelings)...she loves him but the event took such a toll on her that she is short of totally crashing. -- I tell you .... all this 'open relationship' garbage doesn' t really work. It takes two very open-minded/hippiesque and self-confident partners to allow for something like this and walk away from it without scars. And personally, I'm not sure it works at all if you truly love the person. ... In my head I would want to make you happy...and in my head I think I could handle it .. but what if the same thing happens as happened to Magi? ...when she changed her mind about how she felt about it after the fact. ... I think, I would have to leave the relationship....(and even if it would just be for a while). ... well, who knows what the future will bring.... -- anyway, i really hope they'll make it through this. i guess, that's what makes a strong marriage. when you make it through sh*t like this.
hmmm..what else...
- charles calls once in a while to ask how you are doing and wants me to always tell you that he's thinking of you ("but not in a gay way" as he emphasizes ;). so...i'm finally passing that message along. also, mic sends you a big palm, she says. magi sends all her love to you and your mother is feeling so much better now that she knows you are safe. she is going to get back to her assistant principal program. i spoke to her twice in this time that you've been away.
- your wife and your daughter are looking beautiful as always (although, you can see for yourself - on facebook- once you finally get your little internet time).
- D is driving me nuts as usual but i've found a way to make him make up for his complete financial ineptitude: whenever he has a 1/2 hour -- waiting for his woman to get out of work/class, for example -- and stops by with all the children, i put him to work. so far, he's installed shades, put up the cabinets for kids, mirrors, etc. ... i'm gonna make a list. ;) ... this curtails my anger a bit....because, most of the time i'm just angry at him (for not being any financial help).
Other than that…
- thinking of planning some time at a beach (with giselle and magi, maybe). not sure when. ... i also wouldn't mind skiing but nobody knows how to ski. i need to diversify my social circle and make some non-latino/caribbean friends...some nordic people. ;) -- and don't bother telling me i'm stereotyping - i'm joking, of course.
- kids are growing and are being cute. yesterday, nini brought me breakfast in bed! she even cut the crust of the sandwich. ;) it was really too cute. ... later that day she whispered that she wants to be a boy. a boy that can play with barbies, and glitter make-up, too. When I asked her why she wanted to be a boy she said that she likes boys and likes to be cool like them but they don't want to play with her because she is a girl. ;) -- I tried to explain the concept of a tomboy to her but don't think she got it. At 5 years of age, I told her, I wanted to be a boy, too. In fact most of my youth I wanted to be a boy, for they just got to do cooler stuff and play rougher. But, I ensured her, one day you'll be happy to be a girl. :)
Friday, November 13, 2009
beginnings of recovery
J has been in the X Mission’s Discipleship Recovery Program for over three weeks now and it’s going well so far. He has to get up at 5:30 every morning. He has to work a lot (kitchen and cleaning mostly, as well as feeding the community three times a day). In between is chapel service, devotion and bible study, which he finds hard sometimes since they are Evangelists – the ones who strongly believe in trinity and Jesus as God. This is tough for J, since he just doesn’t believe this – even though he is Catholic. Nonetheless, he is sticking with the program and he seems to like it (as far as this kind of stuff can be “liked”). There is also time to work-out, there is therapy/counseling, and there is time to study/read.
And what am I thinking about? … Well, for one I am wondering about my thoughtless dedication to this man. It’s like there is no one else in this world for me. … Why is that? I have 65 pages of journal entries over the past year or so that should drive me the other way. My “job” here has been done - If that’s why God made me love him, that is …. J will recover and be o.k. – The question is: will that change what kind of partner he is? J still is who he is. Or what is going to be part of a past self and what not?
I have several people who seem to be truly interested in me. I can see it in their eyes – really “good” characters; decent, honest, ambitious men… and I couldn’t be colder to them whenever there is an interaction (not by my choice – usually work related encounters). Not cold, maybe but definitely without any interest whatsoever. Not opening any window. They don’t stand a chance against J, who is in a drug addiction recovery program! Why is that? Is my commitment too much for my own good? J might come out of there not loving me anymore….he might begin to love someone else a few years down the line. I mean, why on earth did he stop loving his ex-wife (who is actually still his wife, for I don't think he ever signed the papers)? He loved her as fiercely as he loved me. … I loved D differently than I love J. I can explain that to myself but J’s scenario doesn’t make sense to me.
If this thing between me and J is supposed to work once he comes out then I need to be able to leave the past in the past. There is no other way. I need to be able to give him trust as if he were a new man. The question is: will this be possible? Can one just leave bygones be bygones and start fresh?
I, for example, can’t stop arguing about the fact that I did nothing wrong. To him, I have been as much at fault as he has when we got together. In his opinion, he thinks I was unfaithful which drives me F*IN' nuts. It makes me sooo angry, for it is so not true. When I thought my marriage might still have a shot, and he was STILL WITH his wife, he kept on hitting on me – sometimes, flat out asking me to sleep with him. He seems to not remember the many times I changed the direction of the conversation. How many times I’ve shot him down. And he simply doesn’t know how much I began to avoid him once our friendship took that turn. – The only thing he remembers is how I opened up to him emotionally in the last few weeks of my life with D. A time in which my marriage was already over. It wasn’t cheating or engaging in any unfair behaviors…my relationship was OVER and D knew this as much as I. We were splitting up. Divorce had been a topic for me and D (in fact, he had been the one who brought it up, at the same time refusing therapy) before I even reconnected with J after a year and a half without any communication.
That is a very different situation than the circumstances under which he made his advances. He was still living with a woman who wanted to be with him. He still had a child with her afterward, for goodness sake!! -- But – J doesn’t like to hear this truth. He can’t stand it that he’d done wrong and I didn’t.
Is this going to bother me forever? I hate it when he says “the way we got together” … what do you mean? We didn’t break any vows. I certainly didn’t. I did this as straight as possible but break-ups and partner switches are never easy and clean. The one thing I should have done differently is that I should have waited longer before giving in to my love for J. Yes, my marriage was over but I should have waited longer. But this is a technicality. …It’s not like I had an affair…I found my soul-mate…who happened to be my friend….and I left a marriage which would have ended either way. There was no way I was going to share my old age with D, as nice and good as he can be – we had nothing in common and talking to him was generally not very stimulating to me. We don’t share the same sense of humor and we are just on different levels with different interests.
Maybe J and I are doomed as well. We can’t be together in peace. What he should do is try to go back to his wife and child. His wife loves him still, I am sure and he loves her….or it will come back. After this recovery program he can be ready to be taken back.
And what about me? … Well… darlin' – you always say you don’t need a f’in man to be happy. So, try it without. Don’t give in to anyone just because they’re courting you and you’d be available. Focus on your work, your photography, your children (well I always do that), and your friends. It’s more peaceful to NOT be in a relationship. Especially a relationship that’s so passionate…with all its jealousy and anger and fights.
You are trying to be above all this, aren’t you? You are striving for philosophical enlightenment. Stupid relationship problems are stones in the way and they certainly don’t help you to mature and detach from mundane emotions any further.
Ach...if it only were all that simple. If we could just shed ourselves from the daily burdens of being human and be above it all. HA! ... I guess, that time will come eventually. It's called "time of death". ;)
And what am I thinking about? … Well, for one I am wondering about my thoughtless dedication to this man. It’s like there is no one else in this world for me. … Why is that? I have 65 pages of journal entries over the past year or so that should drive me the other way. My “job” here has been done - If that’s why God made me love him, that is …. J will recover and be o.k. – The question is: will that change what kind of partner he is? J still is who he is. Or what is going to be part of a past self and what not?
I have several people who seem to be truly interested in me. I can see it in their eyes – really “good” characters; decent, honest, ambitious men… and I couldn’t be colder to them whenever there is an interaction (not by my choice – usually work related encounters). Not cold, maybe but definitely without any interest whatsoever. Not opening any window. They don’t stand a chance against J, who is in a drug addiction recovery program! Why is that? Is my commitment too much for my own good? J might come out of there not loving me anymore….he might begin to love someone else a few years down the line. I mean, why on earth did he stop loving his ex-wife (who is actually still his wife, for I don't think he ever signed the papers)? He loved her as fiercely as he loved me. … I loved D differently than I love J. I can explain that to myself but J’s scenario doesn’t make sense to me.
If this thing between me and J is supposed to work once he comes out then I need to be able to leave the past in the past. There is no other way. I need to be able to give him trust as if he were a new man. The question is: will this be possible? Can one just leave bygones be bygones and start fresh?
I, for example, can’t stop arguing about the fact that I did nothing wrong. To him, I have been as much at fault as he has when we got together. In his opinion, he thinks I was unfaithful which drives me F*IN' nuts. It makes me sooo angry, for it is so not true. When I thought my marriage might still have a shot, and he was STILL WITH his wife, he kept on hitting on me – sometimes, flat out asking me to sleep with him. He seems to not remember the many times I changed the direction of the conversation. How many times I’ve shot him down. And he simply doesn’t know how much I began to avoid him once our friendship took that turn. – The only thing he remembers is how I opened up to him emotionally in the last few weeks of my life with D. A time in which my marriage was already over. It wasn’t cheating or engaging in any unfair behaviors…my relationship was OVER and D knew this as much as I. We were splitting up. Divorce had been a topic for me and D (in fact, he had been the one who brought it up, at the same time refusing therapy) before I even reconnected with J after a year and a half without any communication.
That is a very different situation than the circumstances under which he made his advances. He was still living with a woman who wanted to be with him. He still had a child with her afterward, for goodness sake!! -- But – J doesn’t like to hear this truth. He can’t stand it that he’d done wrong and I didn’t.
Is this going to bother me forever? I hate it when he says “the way we got together” … what do you mean? We didn’t break any vows. I certainly didn’t. I did this as straight as possible but break-ups and partner switches are never easy and clean. The one thing I should have done differently is that I should have waited longer before giving in to my love for J. Yes, my marriage was over but I should have waited longer. But this is a technicality. …It’s not like I had an affair…I found my soul-mate…who happened to be my friend….and I left a marriage which would have ended either way. There was no way I was going to share my old age with D, as nice and good as he can be – we had nothing in common and talking to him was generally not very stimulating to me. We don’t share the same sense of humor and we are just on different levels with different interests.
Maybe J and I are doomed as well. We can’t be together in peace. What he should do is try to go back to his wife and child. His wife loves him still, I am sure and he loves her….or it will come back. After this recovery program he can be ready to be taken back.
And what about me? … Well… darlin' – you always say you don’t need a f’in man to be happy. So, try it without. Don’t give in to anyone just because they’re courting you and you’d be available. Focus on your work, your photography, your children (well I always do that), and your friends. It’s more peaceful to NOT be in a relationship. Especially a relationship that’s so passionate…with all its jealousy and anger and fights.
You are trying to be above all this, aren’t you? You are striving for philosophical enlightenment. Stupid relationship problems are stones in the way and they certainly don’t help you to mature and detach from mundane emotions any further.
Ach...if it only were all that simple. If we could just shed ourselves from the daily burdens of being human and be above it all. HA! ... I guess, that time will come eventually. It's called "time of death". ;)
Saturday, October 31, 2009
selective perception or entanglement theory?
from my letters to J:
it's not enough that i think of you all the time, wherever I go, whatever I do - wishing you were there, _now_ i also see your name again everywhere i go.
i had a phase like this - i think, it was when we were trying not to see each other for a while in the beginning -- or maybe it was before we saw each other in the beginning. wherever i looked, there was your name (first or last). almost every day... at the moment, i'm seeing your name everywhere i look. ;) -- selective perception? i don't know. -- maybe my longing for you is just so strong that i affect the physical world around me (according to entanglement theory? if you are wondering whether i've been diggining through quantum physics/mechanics then i can only say yes in so far that i've been googling it. unfortunately, i have to report that i am now not any smarter than i was before. -- entanglement theory is mentioned in the Dan Brown book [one of the many trivias he throws in] and there he mentions that "subatomic research has proven categorically that all matter is interconnected...entangled in a single unified mesh...a kind of universal oneness." -- I just had to look that up and what i found is..... wayyy too much information...and not very conclusive BUT definitely a steadfast theory that goes back to Einstein.
From the Stanford site: Quantum entanglement is a physical resource, like energy, associated with the peculiar nonclassical correlations that are possible between separated quantum systems. Entanglement can be measured, transformed, and purified. A pair of quantum systems in an entangled state can be used as a quantum information channel to perform computational and cryptographic tasks that are impossible for classical systems. [...]
Anyway, now I've got a new field to explore -- the principles of quantum mechanics and its related theories (string theory, entanglement theory, quantum chaos theory, ..). HA! - like I have the time.
it's not enough that i think of you all the time, wherever I go, whatever I do - wishing you were there, _now_ i also see your name again everywhere i go.
i had a phase like this - i think, it was when we were trying not to see each other for a while in the beginning -- or maybe it was before we saw each other in the beginning. wherever i looked, there was your name (first or last). almost every day... at the moment, i'm seeing your name everywhere i look. ;) -- selective perception? i don't know. -- maybe my longing for you is just so strong that i affect the physical world around me (according to entanglement theory? if you are wondering whether i've been diggining through quantum physics/mechanics then i can only say yes in so far that i've been googling it. unfortunately, i have to report that i am now not any smarter than i was before. -- entanglement theory is mentioned in the Dan Brown book [one of the many trivias he throws in] and there he mentions that "subatomic research has proven categorically that all matter is interconnected...entangled in a single unified mesh...a kind of universal oneness." -- I just had to look that up and what i found is..... wayyy too much information...and not very conclusive BUT definitely a steadfast theory that goes back to Einstein.
From the Stanford site: Quantum entanglement is a physical resource, like energy, associated with the peculiar nonclassical correlations that are possible between separated quantum systems. Entanglement can be measured, transformed, and purified. A pair of quantum systems in an entangled state can be used as a quantum information channel to perform computational and cryptographic tasks that are impossible for classical systems. [...]
Anyway, now I've got a new field to explore -- the principles of quantum mechanics and its related theories (string theory, entanglement theory, quantum chaos theory, ..). HA! - like I have the time.
Friday, October 23, 2009
life can change
This past week has been incredibly heart-breaking for me (and I’m sure super tough for J and also his mother). Things had escalated and she had finally closed the door on him after cursing her out in front of all her neighbors in a drunken rage. … I called the ambulance to help him…get him started somewhere…but the next morning he was out again. The bi-polar thing just doesn’t seem to be evident to anyone in the psych ward anymore. He really seems to have stabilized in that area. No more episodes. I guess this is because he has desensitized to the triggers. He has seen the worst – nothing can throw him off anymore. Or so it seems.
When he came back from the hospital the next morning I told him – it was time for a shelter, for I didn’t know what to do anymore. He wasn’t going to change anything about his situation unless he would reach out for professional help. All that started with a shelter, in my opinion.
I cried, he cried….it was a slow process (the first night he came back, for there was no more space) but in the end he went and stayed. …. But that man has a guardian angel, I tell you – for he only suffered for a few days (enduring life at a homeless shelter). Two days ago – instead of going downstairs to meet up with a friend to get high or smoke a cigarette or whatever – he decided to use his little change to buy a soda instead. So there is was – up on the 7th floor of the shelter, drinking his soda, sitting in the hallway when a guy walks in and just says: “o.k. – who wants to talk (about their situation)?” J almost cried when the man told him about the program they were offering. I almost cried when J explained it to me…. and then informed me that he had entered it (the program). He explained that he was now in this recovery program (part of a church in Manhattan) and was calling to tell me and that he wouldn’t be able to talk to me or anyone for about 7-10 days now (they call it “the gateway”, phase 1). Then he would stay on the grounds for about 6-7 months (no drinking or smoking of any kind). He would be able to take any certification he would like (they finance), there is (limited) internet access and a weight room. Because it’s a church, the program also includes intense Bible study but for him that wouldn’t be a problem, he does that stuff for fun anyway (read the Abrahamic books). After the 6 months they would help him find a job and he can stay at the place to start saving money (in fact, they take 70% out of his check and make him save it for a down-payment for an apartment.) … It just all sounds like a really good program and a REAL plan.
I was soo happy to hear this news I tell you. (and so was his mother, when I passed it on).
I feel like God heard me (and him, and his mom) when I cried to heaven that I just didn’t know what to do anymore just a few days ago when I sent him away to the shelter. This – to me- was like an answer from God. I PRAY SO MUCH that J will stay there, make it through, and come out of it all rebuilt and ready to live and love life, I hope.
When he came back from the hospital the next morning I told him – it was time for a shelter, for I didn’t know what to do anymore. He wasn’t going to change anything about his situation unless he would reach out for professional help. All that started with a shelter, in my opinion.
I cried, he cried….it was a slow process (the first night he came back, for there was no more space) but in the end he went and stayed. …. But that man has a guardian angel, I tell you – for he only suffered for a few days (enduring life at a homeless shelter). Two days ago – instead of going downstairs to meet up with a friend to get high or smoke a cigarette or whatever – he decided to use his little change to buy a soda instead. So there is was – up on the 7th floor of the shelter, drinking his soda, sitting in the hallway when a guy walks in and just says: “o.k. – who wants to talk (about their situation)?” J almost cried when the man told him about the program they were offering. I almost cried when J explained it to me…. and then informed me that he had entered it (the program). He explained that he was now in this recovery program (part of a church in Manhattan) and was calling to tell me and that he wouldn’t be able to talk to me or anyone for about 7-10 days now (they call it “the gateway”, phase 1). Then he would stay on the grounds for about 6-7 months (no drinking or smoking of any kind). He would be able to take any certification he would like (they finance), there is (limited) internet access and a weight room. Because it’s a church, the program also includes intense Bible study but for him that wouldn’t be a problem, he does that stuff for fun anyway (read the Abrahamic books). After the 6 months they would help him find a job and he can stay at the place to start saving money (in fact, they take 70% out of his check and make him save it for a down-payment for an apartment.) … It just all sounds like a really good program and a REAL plan.
I was soo happy to hear this news I tell you. (and so was his mother, when I passed it on).
I feel like God heard me (and him, and his mom) when I cried to heaven that I just didn’t know what to do anymore just a few days ago when I sent him away to the shelter. This – to me- was like an answer from God. I PRAY SO MUCH that J will stay there, make it through, and come out of it all rebuilt and ready to live and love life, I hope.
Monday, March 23, 2009
bitchin' mama is back
i'm frustrated today - why else would i be here, blogging.
i really should stick to venting on this anonymous blog instead of on my facebook page. it's just so embarrassing to air out your dirty laundry with people who know you but not really. and you never realize that fact until it's too late and everybody has already read your jerry-springer-like status update that proclaims your boyfriend "is a stinkin', lying coke-head" or something like that.
anyway, why am i here today. first of all, i have too much work, which leads to inevitable procrastination on my part. in fact, the more sh*t i have on my to-do-list, the less i get done. it's like i buckle against it. (buckle against it? is that english? maybe it's "buck"...i gotta look that up.) .... anyway, so my sub-concious self (aka the slacker and life-balance-keeper in me) goes on strike and starts doing completely irrelevant bs off my personal "to-do"-list.
so, my previous blog was all about hatin' on my ex-husband (then - husband of 12 years) and now that i've divorced the man, i am bitching about my boyfriend. this blog is nothing what i've intended it to be. epictetus-wannabe & sapient musings, my ass. i am and will remain bitchin' mama, i suppose.
anyway, so the fact that my boyfriend of now almost 2 years - wow it's hard to believe i've been separated from my ex for that long.... - anyway, to get back to the beginning of this ADD-ridden sentence: the fact that my boyfriend of almost two years now is supposedly my 'soul-mate', if there is such a thing, doesn't change the kind of personality i have, which is quite complicated when it comes to relationships.
-- why?
here is what i do: ... i am the "perfect" mate, i stand by you, i'm faithful, loyal, forgive you all your shit and slip-ups, all your lies (in other words: you can go wild and i'll be tolerant and understanding, with the occasional talking-to in hopes of changing your behavior), i'll pay for you, i'll take care of you, i'll love you, i'll believe in you, you you you. but, deep inside i just don't want to be in a relationship. ...well, not true maybe.... i don't want to LIVE with a man. relationship is ok. see you every couple of days. have fun.
unfortunately, i sabotage this sentiment somehow, and i am not sure why. maybe it's insecurity that if i let you roam free inbetween you'll f' me over and bring home an STD or something....
or maybe it's the fact that my expectations of a mate are so low that i just don't want to deal with it.
the current situation with my boyfriend is a problem.
yes, i love him to death. seriously, it's not normal how much love i have for this guy. especially, considering the fact of how he's treated me for the past two years....he loves me with the same intensity, is the one thing i am sure of. unfortunately, that doesn't affect the type of person he is. he is a notorious liar, doesn't respect women very much but at the same time doesn't show that and in fact, courts some of his female friends like there is no other girl as special as she is. the annoying thing is that half the time he doesn't realize what he is doing and saying...or what kind of impact it has. i'm sorry, dude - if you quote "wuthering heights" to a chick, then tell her you're obsessed with talking to her, you are sending a message!
ehm, yes.... this brings me to my latest inner debate. i've become one of these chicks who invades her man's privacy (check his phone, read his mail, whatever) to look for incriminating evidence (although, in my opinion, if i am in a committed relationship with you - which i treat like marriage - then you shall have no privacy with another woman. sorry. then be single).
before j, i have never done this. never. so, this says something about how insecure i am in this relationship and how little trust i have in him. second, i don't go digging; so far, on these few occasions, it's always been an open face-book browser window he's forgotten to log off from (something he usually is very religious about). well, i'm sorry that i can't resist clicking on the message carrying the subject line: i wish i could just bottle you up and take you with me everywhere". and this from a chick he's liked since freshman year in college, and recently asked on a date again - DURING our relationship! (this i found out, because i once -lovingly- brought him food to the computer as he was typing that message, and happened to glance over to see one word stand out in all caps: ONE DATE (the full sentence read: i'm still hell-bent on taking you on at least ONE DATE.) this was a few months ago.
the message thread i mention above (with the wuthering heights love confession - which he denies as having that significance - and the obsession of talking to her) i've discovered a few days ago. wanting to shut down the computer, in the middle of the night. and the stupid facebook window was open.
not only did the message thread upset me in its nature, it also revealed other lies. for example, he isn't in any stinking book-club with her and that's not what they talk about on fb. he just happened to mention that he is reading this book and later on he quotes this super-loaded passage to her.... so, yes, man...technically you were talking about the book. but you damn well know that's twisting the truth - and you're an a-hole. .... but, that's the thing. he thinks like a teenager sometimes, for he is truly convinced he is telling the truth, although the whole truth looks very different.
ugh. >:<
anyway, ...so this brought up my whole inner conflict about what is worse: me reading his mail or him having lied? :/ ....it's an ethical conflict, really.
j tells me i have lost my calling; i should have been a cop, for i believe incriminating findings justify the methods. like drug-sniffing dogs in high-schools. i don't see the problem, and he goes all civil-rights-activist on me, which is funny, for he is usually the conservative republican and i'm the liberal.
i really should stick to venting on this anonymous blog instead of on my facebook page. it's just so embarrassing to air out your dirty laundry with people who know you but not really. and you never realize that fact until it's too late and everybody has already read your jerry-springer-like status update that proclaims your boyfriend "is a stinkin', lying coke-head" or something like that.
anyway, why am i here today. first of all, i have too much work, which leads to inevitable procrastination on my part. in fact, the more sh*t i have on my to-do-list, the less i get done. it's like i buckle against it. (buckle against it? is that english? maybe it's "buck"...i gotta look that up.) .... anyway, so my sub-concious self (aka the slacker and life-balance-keeper in me) goes on strike and starts doing completely irrelevant bs off my personal "to-do"-list.
so, my previous blog was all about hatin' on my ex-husband (then - husband of 12 years) and now that i've divorced the man, i am bitching about my boyfriend. this blog is nothing what i've intended it to be. epictetus-wannabe & sapient musings, my ass. i am and will remain bitchin' mama, i suppose.
anyway, so the fact that my boyfriend of now almost 2 years - wow it's hard to believe i've been separated from my ex for that long.... - anyway, to get back to the beginning of this ADD-ridden sentence: the fact that my boyfriend of almost two years now is supposedly my 'soul-mate', if there is such a thing, doesn't change the kind of personality i have, which is quite complicated when it comes to relationships.
-- why?
here is what i do: ... i am the "perfect" mate, i stand by you, i'm faithful, loyal, forgive you all your shit and slip-ups, all your lies (in other words: you can go wild and i'll be tolerant and understanding, with the occasional talking-to in hopes of changing your behavior), i'll pay for you, i'll take care of you, i'll love you, i'll believe in you, you you you. but, deep inside i just don't want to be in a relationship. ...well, not true maybe.... i don't want to LIVE with a man. relationship is ok. see you every couple of days. have fun.
unfortunately, i sabotage this sentiment somehow, and i am not sure why. maybe it's insecurity that if i let you roam free inbetween you'll f' me over and bring home an STD or something....
or maybe it's the fact that my expectations of a mate are so low that i just don't want to deal with it.
the current situation with my boyfriend is a problem.
yes, i love him to death. seriously, it's not normal how much love i have for this guy. especially, considering the fact of how he's treated me for the past two years....he loves me with the same intensity, is the one thing i am sure of. unfortunately, that doesn't affect the type of person he is. he is a notorious liar, doesn't respect women very much but at the same time doesn't show that and in fact, courts some of his female friends like there is no other girl as special as she is. the annoying thing is that half the time he doesn't realize what he is doing and saying...or what kind of impact it has. i'm sorry, dude - if you quote "wuthering heights" to a chick, then tell her you're obsessed with talking to her, you are sending a message!
ehm, yes.... this brings me to my latest inner debate. i've become one of these chicks who invades her man's privacy (check his phone, read his mail, whatever) to look for incriminating evidence (although, in my opinion, if i am in a committed relationship with you - which i treat like marriage - then you shall have no privacy with another woman. sorry. then be single).
before j, i have never done this. never. so, this says something about how insecure i am in this relationship and how little trust i have in him. second, i don't go digging; so far, on these few occasions, it's always been an open face-book browser window he's forgotten to log off from (something he usually is very religious about). well, i'm sorry that i can't resist clicking on the message carrying the subject line: i wish i could just bottle you up and take you with me everywhere". and this from a chick he's liked since freshman year in college, and recently asked on a date again - DURING our relationship! (this i found out, because i once -lovingly- brought him food to the computer as he was typing that message, and happened to glance over to see one word stand out in all caps: ONE DATE (the full sentence read: i'm still hell-bent on taking you on at least ONE DATE.) this was a few months ago.
the message thread i mention above (with the wuthering heights love confession - which he denies as having that significance - and the obsession of talking to her) i've discovered a few days ago. wanting to shut down the computer, in the middle of the night. and the stupid facebook window was open.
not only did the message thread upset me in its nature, it also revealed other lies. for example, he isn't in any stinking book-club with her and that's not what they talk about on fb. he just happened to mention that he is reading this book and later on he quotes this super-loaded passage to her.... so, yes, man...technically you were talking about the book. but you damn well know that's twisting the truth - and you're an a-hole. .... but, that's the thing. he thinks like a teenager sometimes, for he is truly convinced he is telling the truth, although the whole truth looks very different.
ugh. >:<
anyway, ...so this brought up my whole inner conflict about what is worse: me reading his mail or him having lied? :/ ....it's an ethical conflict, really.
j tells me i have lost my calling; i should have been a cop, for i believe incriminating findings justify the methods. like drug-sniffing dogs in high-schools. i don't see the problem, and he goes all civil-rights-activist on me, which is funny, for he is usually the conservative republican and i'm the liberal.
Friday, February 13, 2009
my boyfriend is bi-polar
i can't sleep.
ever since i broke up with boyfriend (aka my soulmate - or so i think) i've been quite the insomniac.
if at least, i'd do anything useful with my extra time awake....
my friend mabi tells me that i should stop breaking up with j already, this is getting ridiculous.
- well, i say, i have good reasons. i don't just break up out of nowhere.
- then why do you keep making up a week later?
- i don't know, ...cuz i love him and sometimes my stupid heart is stronger than my mind.
all i can say is that the things i let slide with this man are things i would have never - ever - let slide with anyone else.
i have a 50-something page letter to myself sitting on my computer, telling me why i should let this thing go ..... but i can't.
so, apparently he is bi-polar. "mildly bipolar", they say but be as it might be he isn't functioning properly. he doesn't have his shit together and for someone like him that's just strange.
someone like him? .... well, i mean his IQ and his life before his first break-down. apparently, my dear bfd is a math genius. he has worked for the NASA, received scholarships to prestigious places of education (columbia university included),..... so tell me, how can someone so smart be so dumb?
he isn't dumb. he is just in denial, i think. he really seems to think he is doing just fine and is on the right path to correct his situation. he doesn't need any medication and he certainly doesn't need the advice of his girlfriend. so, instead, he self-medicates (with anything he can think of), and stands outside with the dealers on his block all day.no job, no place to live of his own, no money ever, no car, no way to return to school, in a fight every other day .... but apparently, none of this calls for drastic action..... certainly not for any medication, which might help to function in daily life. de-nial.
i just can't handle it. i love him. god, do i love him. ... but after a year and a half, i am pretty sure i am enabling him.we have become so much better (-- he has become so much better) in our relationship with each other and i am sure i (and the home, love, honesty, loyalty, and endurance i've provided) have been its own kind of therapy for him but i don't think it is enough.it was enough to stabelize (spelling?) him (no more hospital admissions, no more drunken rages, no more irrational outbursts) but i think he needs more than just my love to get his life in order.
anyway, ... so i can't sleep because i have trouble sleeping without him.he's been over twice this week but all we've done is snuggle, which apparently confuses the hell out of him, or so he says.i've tried to explain that the only way i can let go a little - and let him do his thing (all the crap i think is wrong for him) - i have to trick myself into believing that we are not together. so,... we can sleep with each other once in a while (we're all adults here) but not every day (cuz then it's a relationship).
of course, this is stupid ... but i don't know what else to do.i love him and miss him. i feel a connection to him like i have never felt for anyone before but i don't want to be with a guy who does the things he does. i've stood by for over a year now to see and help him get his shit together but it looks like there is no will to do so. and i'm sorry but if you choose to be a "bad boy" then i can't help you. you gotta do what you gotta do. i don't want to control your life ... as much as i seem to have the control freak urges in me. i don't. i want you to make the choices yourself because you think they're right, not because i tell you to ... or you respond to some sort of ultimatum. i just don't want to rob you of this freedom, for one day you will realize that that's what has happened. you will feel as if you'd been robbed of your freedom. i don't want that kind of relationship. i don't ever want to be blamed for anything.
i've started going to therapy.
first i went with j, for it was supposed to be couples' therapy. we kept breaking up with each other but we really wanted to be together.this week i went by myself, for i had broken up with j last week (this time over him disappearing at midnight - with my car - and then not showing up until 7:30 in the morning - high on coke or ecstasy or whatever, wondering why i was taking his house-keys from him at arrival.)
i have an older brother who is a heroin addict, for god's sake. i can't f'in watch this. i have zero tolerance for it. zero. it breaks my freakin' heart.
anyway, ...i was talking about therapy.so, the therapist - who is quite a nice lady but has got a serious case of ADD, in my opinion - ... she mentioned that people with bi-polar disorder, as brilliant as some of them might be, usually get stuck at the emotional age of the time they showed first signs of the illness. Usually, late teens to early twenties. That would explain a lot about the sometimes very immature way he reacts to relationship situations.
But, it's contagious I tell you. If one party acts immature and wild, it's difficult to keep your cool as the supposedly more balanced person in the relationship. i mean, j has triggered feelings of rage in me, i had never felt before. jealousy, being one of them. we have had actual fist-fights - he and i. that's because i'm a tomboy and he was not in his right mind at the time.
anyway, ... friends who know me for years say they don't recognize me. never have they seen me so emotional ... and jealous?! really? moi?
but things have calmed down - more or less.i really don't know what will become of him but i know i want him in my life somehow. i want him near to me. i can get used to anything, i think. even if he moves on with another woman... all i care is that i don't lose my soulmate as my friend.
ever since i broke up with boyfriend (aka my soulmate - or so i think) i've been quite the insomniac.
if at least, i'd do anything useful with my extra time awake....
my friend mabi tells me that i should stop breaking up with j already, this is getting ridiculous.
- well, i say, i have good reasons. i don't just break up out of nowhere.
- then why do you keep making up a week later?
- i don't know, ...cuz i love him and sometimes my stupid heart is stronger than my mind.
all i can say is that the things i let slide with this man are things i would have never - ever - let slide with anyone else.
i have a 50-something page letter to myself sitting on my computer, telling me why i should let this thing go ..... but i can't.
so, apparently he is bi-polar. "mildly bipolar", they say but be as it might be he isn't functioning properly. he doesn't have his shit together and for someone like him that's just strange.
someone like him? .... well, i mean his IQ and his life before his first break-down. apparently, my dear bfd is a math genius. he has worked for the NASA, received scholarships to prestigious places of education (columbia university included),..... so tell me, how can someone so smart be so dumb?
he isn't dumb. he is just in denial, i think. he really seems to think he is doing just fine and is on the right path to correct his situation. he doesn't need any medication and he certainly doesn't need the advice of his girlfriend. so, instead, he self-medicates (with anything he can think of), and stands outside with the dealers on his block all day.no job, no place to live of his own, no money ever, no car, no way to return to school, in a fight every other day .... but apparently, none of this calls for drastic action..... certainly not for any medication, which might help to function in daily life. de-nial.
i just can't handle it. i love him. god, do i love him. ... but after a year and a half, i am pretty sure i am enabling him.we have become so much better (-- he has become so much better) in our relationship with each other and i am sure i (and the home, love, honesty, loyalty, and endurance i've provided) have been its own kind of therapy for him but i don't think it is enough.it was enough to stabelize (spelling?) him (no more hospital admissions, no more drunken rages, no more irrational outbursts) but i think he needs more than just my love to get his life in order.
anyway, ... so i can't sleep because i have trouble sleeping without him.he's been over twice this week but all we've done is snuggle, which apparently confuses the hell out of him, or so he says.i've tried to explain that the only way i can let go a little - and let him do his thing (all the crap i think is wrong for him) - i have to trick myself into believing that we are not together. so,... we can sleep with each other once in a while (we're all adults here) but not every day (cuz then it's a relationship).
of course, this is stupid ... but i don't know what else to do.i love him and miss him. i feel a connection to him like i have never felt for anyone before but i don't want to be with a guy who does the things he does. i've stood by for over a year now to see and help him get his shit together but it looks like there is no will to do so. and i'm sorry but if you choose to be a "bad boy" then i can't help you. you gotta do what you gotta do. i don't want to control your life ... as much as i seem to have the control freak urges in me. i don't. i want you to make the choices yourself because you think they're right, not because i tell you to ... or you respond to some sort of ultimatum. i just don't want to rob you of this freedom, for one day you will realize that that's what has happened. you will feel as if you'd been robbed of your freedom. i don't want that kind of relationship. i don't ever want to be blamed for anything.
i've started going to therapy.
first i went with j, for it was supposed to be couples' therapy. we kept breaking up with each other but we really wanted to be together.this week i went by myself, for i had broken up with j last week (this time over him disappearing at midnight - with my car - and then not showing up until 7:30 in the morning - high on coke or ecstasy or whatever, wondering why i was taking his house-keys from him at arrival.)
i have an older brother who is a heroin addict, for god's sake. i can't f'in watch this. i have zero tolerance for it. zero. it breaks my freakin' heart.
anyway, ...i was talking about therapy.so, the therapist - who is quite a nice lady but has got a serious case of ADD, in my opinion - ... she mentioned that people with bi-polar disorder, as brilliant as some of them might be, usually get stuck at the emotional age of the time they showed first signs of the illness. Usually, late teens to early twenties. That would explain a lot about the sometimes very immature way he reacts to relationship situations.
But, it's contagious I tell you. If one party acts immature and wild, it's difficult to keep your cool as the supposedly more balanced person in the relationship. i mean, j has triggered feelings of rage in me, i had never felt before. jealousy, being one of them. we have had actual fist-fights - he and i. that's because i'm a tomboy and he was not in his right mind at the time.
anyway, ... friends who know me for years say they don't recognize me. never have they seen me so emotional ... and jealous?! really? moi?
but things have calmed down - more or less.i really don't know what will become of him but i know i want him in my life somehow. i want him near to me. i can get used to anything, i think. even if he moves on with another woman... all i care is that i don't lose my soulmate as my friend.
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