is there a god?

last night...as i went to sleep (saying a quick "thank you god" before i closed my eyes) my mind began to wander. it was one of those mini-epiphanies i sometimes have when i have contemplated a particular (often spiritual) subject for a long time...somehow in the back of my mind.

so, at this very moment - as i closed my eyes - i had a flash of doubt again, as i sometimes do. a doubt about my faith. a doubt about god's existence even though i have felt divine presence and have looked at life around me with a recognition of something metaphysical at work. a complicated and, yet, simple system that seems to have been put in place in our world. one layer of many many layers of a structure sometimes resembling the rules of a domino game.

and it all seems to be pretty much about one goal: do the right thing, be tolerant, and be forgiving.
sometimes the gratification or punishment for a good or bad deed are instant sometimes it takes years. but there definitely is something to the concept of karma.

sometimes i see it in just the way people so easily exercise prejudice or judgment over a person or a situation. you know nothing, i always think. you don't know where this person comes from, what experiences this person has had, if you would not act the same way had you had the same exact life....but most of all, i think, that one particular situation never looks the same to a person on the outside. only if you are directly involved do you know and even then you might be misguided or come to wrong conclusions.

anyway - what i actually wanted to write about was atheism. given that i was once again (even if only briefly) struck by doubt. that' s the rationalist in me. the one that says: "are you sure you don't just wish there was a god? "(i.e. you're making it all up?...a succession of suggestive self-fulfilling prophecies. -- ha - the irony. self-fulfilling "prophecy";)

i'm always wondering how someone otherwise so nice and insightful (i have several good friends who are atheists) doesn't feel like there is something missing to interpret things in their lives which are difficult to understand. maybe they have just been blessed by relatively normal lives. or it's just that they have been raised that way and what you don't know of, you're not going to be missing. they feel like they don't need god or the idea of something divine. life is life and that's it. and when it's over it's over.

to me, that always seems a little self-involved and blind to the connectedness between the things in this world. common structures of life. incredible facts of this world. entanglement theory, anyone?

why do the main monotheistic religions despise atheists? maybe, it's that same fear and close-mindedness. as god-believers we don't know what to do with someone who just doesn't. how would we convince them otherwise? we have no proof...we just know. it's as if my daughter would tell me she doesn't believe i love her. i can't prove that i love my child i can only try to show it in as many ways as i can possibly think of, but i can't physically prove that i really do love her. (i.e. i cannot solidify my emotion. it's not tangible.)

the problem with god is that he/she/it whatever is just too unimaginable for the human brain. we can't grasp the concept of god. some people then just believe. close their eyes and trust (some also look at history and the way ideas and scriptures have withstood all of the changes of human existence). people who truly believe, pay attention to the many little ways divine presence, love, and correction, even, is shown to us in every day life. .... atheists just don't want to close their eyes and open themselves to an experience they might not understand. they need to make sense of it, they need proof, they need something their little brain can work with. and when i say little brain i, of course, mean the human brain in general.
--- in a way, that's what happens with people who do wrong, as well. their eyes are closed. they think they're getting away with their wrong-doings and they don't even realize when they are being corrected or punished. --- but this is not to put atheists and people who do bad on the same level. i just want to clarify on that. again, i have very good friends who don't believe in god. i just don't understand how they can not ever wonder.... about life... it would be too small of a space for me to operate. i need to go wild with my philosophies...my analyses of life.

i'm not sure if i believe in hell or heaven. but i do believe that there is a point to this life which is beyond our understanding. we might be able to get a glimpse of the system, the structure, or even our place in this world but it won't come easy to us. it's hard work and we have to be dedicated to the idea. ... and i do believe, there is some sort of tendency to let oneself go, be selfish or even bad ... so if there is anything like the concept of evil or the devil... i think, that would be it. ... but this would be something to explore in another blog post.