beginnings of recovery

J has been in the X Mission’s Discipleship Recovery Program for over three weeks now and it’s going well so far. He has to get up at 5:30 every morning. He has to work a lot (kitchen and cleaning mostly, as well as feeding the community three times a day). In between is chapel service, devotion and bible study, which he finds hard sometimes since they are Evangelists – the ones who strongly believe in trinity and Jesus as God. This is tough for J, since he just doesn’t believe this – even though he is Catholic. Nonetheless, he is sticking with the program and he seems to like it (as far as this kind of stuff can be “liked”). There is also time to work-out, there is therapy/counseling, and there is time to study/read.

And what am I thinking about? … Well, for one I am wondering about my thoughtless dedication to this man. It’s like there is no one else in this world for me. … Why is that? I have 65 pages of journal entries over the past year or so that should drive me the other way. My “job” here has been done - If that’s why God made me love him, that is …. J will recover and be o.k. – The question is: will that change what kind of partner he is? J still is who he is. Or what is going to be part of a past self and what not?

I have several people who seem to be truly interested in me. I can see it in their eyes – really “good” characters; decent, honest, ambitious men… and I couldn’t be colder to them whenever there is an interaction (not by my choice – usually work related encounters). Not cold, maybe but definitely without any interest whatsoever. Not opening any window. They don’t stand a chance against J, who is in a drug addiction recovery program! Why is that? Is my commitment too much for my own good? J might come out of there not loving me anymore….he might begin to love someone else a few years down the line. I mean, why on earth did he stop loving his ex-wife (who is actually still his wife, for I don't think he ever signed the papers)? He loved her as fiercely as he loved me. … I loved D differently than I love J. I can explain that to myself but J’s scenario doesn’t make sense to me.

If this thing between me and J is supposed to work once he comes out then I need to be able to leave the past in the past. There is no other way. I need to be able to give him trust as if he were a new man. The question is: will this be possible? Can one just leave bygones be bygones and start fresh?

I, for example, can’t stop arguing about the fact that I did nothing wrong. To him, I have been as much at fault as he has when we got together. In his opinion, he thinks I was unfaithful which drives me F*IN' nuts. It makes me sooo angry, for it is so not true. When I thought my marriage might still have a shot, and he was STILL WITH his wife, he kept on hitting on me – sometimes, flat out asking me to sleep with him. He seems to not remember the many times I changed the direction of the conversation. How many times I’ve shot him down. And he simply doesn’t know how much I began to avoid him once our friendship took that turn. – The only thing he remembers is how I opened up to him emotionally in the last few weeks of my life with D. A time in which my marriage was already over. It wasn’t cheating or engaging in any unfair behaviors…my relationship was OVER and D knew this as much as I. We were splitting up. Divorce had been a topic for me and D (in fact, he had been the one who brought it up, at the same time refusing therapy) before I even reconnected with J after a year and a half without any communication.

That is a very different situation than the circumstances under which he made his advances. He was still living with a woman who wanted to be with him. He still had a child with her afterward, for goodness sake!! -- But – J doesn’t like to hear this truth. He can’t stand it that he’d done wrong and I didn’t.

Is this going to bother me forever? I hate it when he says “the way we got together” … what do you mean? We didn’t break any vows. I certainly didn’t. I did this as straight as possible but break-ups and partner switches are never easy and clean. The one thing I should have done differently is that I should have waited longer before giving in to my love for J. Yes, my marriage was over but I should have waited longer. But this is a technicality. …It’s not like I had an affair…I found my soul-mate…who happened to be my friend….and I left a marriage which would have ended either way. There was no way I was going to share my old age with D, as nice and good as he can be – we had nothing in common and talking to him was generally not very stimulating to me. We don’t share the same sense of humor and we are just on different levels with different interests.

Maybe J and I are doomed as well. We can’t be together in peace. What he should do is try to go back to his wife and child. His wife loves him still, I am sure and he loves her….or it will come back. After this recovery program he can be ready to be taken back.

And what about me? … Well… darlin' – you always say you don’t need a f’in man to be happy. So, try it without. Don’t give in to anyone just because they’re courting you and you’d be available. Focus on your work, your photography, your children (well I always do that), and your friends. It’s more peaceful to NOT be in a relationship. Especially a relationship that’s so passionate…with all its jealousy and anger and fights.

You are trying to be above all this, aren’t you? You are striving for philosophical enlightenment. Stupid relationship problems are stones in the way and they certainly don’t help you to mature and detach from mundane emotions any further.

Ach...if it only were all that simple. If we could just shed ourselves from the daily burdens of being human and be above it all. HA! ... I guess, that time will come eventually. It's called "time of death". ;)