motherhood & separation stories

something else from my selected posts list (old blog):

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august 27, 2004
did someone slip ecstasy into my daughter's milk?

First of all, I admire all women who stay at home with young children and not go insane. I think, I would have to be placed on suicide-watch if I had to do this (stay home with 2 young ones) all day, every day of the year. I wonder, how 2-year-olds make it to their third birthday, at all. I mean, I can't expect every parent to be knowledgeable, reasonable, well-read or somewhat controlled. Not that I am any or all of that but maybe some of it. How did toddlers survive in medieval times? How do they survive with someone who has no understanding of a child this age? ... At the moment, I just want to beat her all day and if I didn't know better I probably would. She is driving me up the wall and only a mother would understand.

Now I FINALLY understand the outbursts of my mom. The few ones she had when I was around Ava's age and which I never forgot. A slap in the face, a time-out in the boiler-room, a good shaking in search for any sense in me. Don't get me wrong, these were exceptions to the rule ...I was actually raised laissez-faire .... but I remember these few moments like yesterday (although, that expression isn't to be taken literally, for I don't really remember what the hell I did yesterday).

So, I am being very careful (and very grown-up, although I don't want to be) to avoid any traumatic experiences for Ava. But I'm a ticking time-bomb so sooner or later, I'm inevitably going to show her that moment of shameful weakness of mine....at which I tell her something unnecessarily mean ... and she'll remember it forever.
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so, my first daughter is now 7 years old, and i'm happy to report that i didn't traumatize her with anything i did or said. unfortunately, she did get traumatized by a bad moment in her young life, anyway. two moments. it was during the highly emotional times of ending my marriage with her father. two very bad days at which he lost it and physically attacked me.

Luckily, I have since managed to bring everything back to civility. And I did this with a lot of kindness, even in the many months after our separation during which he was just an absolutely infuriating version of himself. Insulting, aggressive, mean, you name it. And, instead of firing back I always always held my tongue and appealed to his rationale instead. I was able to do this only because of my children. They came first to me - before any burning desire to shoot back at their father with equal hostility.

Today, I am happy to report that I think I've managed to create an environment for my children which makes them understand that their parents are still their parents, only that their family circle has expanded. I make a point out of showing their little brother love and attention, something especially Ava notices and values. And this didn't come as natural to me in the beginning as it does now. After all, the kid was conceived only a month or two after D left our marriage of 12 years. The woman he is with he also knew beforehand but I know better than to touch that. It's irrelevant. All I care about now is that our relationship (between all of us) is as amicable as it can be -- for the sake of the children.