small observations

There are two glasses sitting in my sink that I don't know what to do with. They are clean but they are inseparably stuck together so I just left them there. Two perfect glasses. Fully functional on their own but stuck together like this -- useless.

I feel like one of these glasses right now. Inseparably attached to J.

***
Today, parked in a lot behind the discount store within which I was going to buy containers to transport and keep J's ashes, I sat in my car sobbing. I tried not to but I couldn't help it. Somehow I knew, he wouldn't like to see me this fallen apart. I hardly ever cry. As I looked up from the coffee cup I was sobbing into, snow began to slowly float around me. It reminded me of what his sister just said the other day....that, for some reason, she thinks of her brother when it snows. It only snowed for a few minutes....it seemed less like a meteorological appearance than a specific sign for me. A sign to stop crying.
That same strange minute-long snowfall happened later in the day, when his sister and I pulled into the funeral home's lot to pick up J's ashes. I had just finished telling her about the dream I had had of her brother that night. It was the first time in weeks that I dreamed of J and in it he seemed to be making amends for past behavior...years ago. I will write this dream down when I get a chance.

After returning from the funeral home, I looked over the paperwork and it contained the address of the place where he had died. When we googled the location, it turned out to be the building I was looking up at when I sat in my car overcome with sorrow earlier.
He left this life in the building right next to the discount store I bought his 'urn' in.