coping...

I can't stand his absence. I cannot stand the finality of death.

When you are on the outside looking in, when you witness the tragedy of other people losing loved ones you are filled with empathy and sadness. If the lost one is of a relationship you can relate to, a child of the same age as yours for example, the pain and sympathy is even greater. But when you are the one who has lost a most important person in your life, the feelings are closer to devastation, anger, desperation, and helplessness. At least, those are the sentiments which feel most prevalent to me.

I do have moments of hope, of peace, of acceptance. But these moments are rare.

A moment of peace I like to remember is when the mourning dove appeared at my window. It was three days after his death. I had already woken up to the sound of the dove and thought about how beautiful and soothing the call of this bird was. I didn't see the animal, however, until my daughter pointed it out again a few hours later. My friend had come over and encouraged me to recognize the symbolism of this appearance. "STOP what you are doing already and come look!" she said, "this means something!"
And so I walked to the window, and in the middle of the height of a snowstorm sat this one bird, right on the fire escape, looking into my room.

My friend even encouraged me to take a picture. It's a cellphone photo, so you can't really see that it is windy and snowing... The fact that the dove was looking at me, isn't quite clear from this small image either but, at least, it's some sort of documentation.

I kept waking up to the sound of the dove for a few days but the most touching encounter with the bird I had the day after the funeral.

 I had been sad that I hadn't heard or seen it all day and I thought it was gone....minutes later the dove appeared. It sat on the tree next to my window singing to me its soothing call. As I looked up with sincere gratitude - just listening and admiring this lonely mourning dove who had seemingly come to assuage my pain - a small window in the otherwise completely overcast sky opened up right behind the bird and a shining bright sun-ray bathed the animal in a glorious light, turning it into a silhouette and transforming the moment into a complete spiritual experience for me. When the clouds closed again, the bird flew away. I will never forget the power and beauty of that moment.

Now, I know why religious or spiritual paintings are always so kitschy... because that's exactly what it all looked like....minus the cynicism (of calling it corny or kitschy, as I like to do). ... It was simply beautiful.

I wondered, whether I should run for my camera or phone but decided to take in the moment fully instead. "This one, you're just going to have to store in your own memory," I thought to myself as I took in every detail of this wonderfully peaceful experience.

Here some images I found online... I also found links with info... interesting...
http://www.beliefnet.com/Wellness/Environment/Galleries/A-Spiritual-Field-Guide-to-Birds.aspx?p=2
http://www.symbolic-meanings.com/2007/11/06/symbolic-meaning-of-doves/

 I was a bit shocked to hear that in Christianity the dove, among other things, symbolizes the Holy Spirit. A concept I don't really believe in. Maybe I need to go read some Karen Armstrong to re-examine the origins of trinity. I think, she explains that it was meant differently ... but I can't remember.

Anyway, this image is from the Vatican, I think. Definitely a church in Rome.

The dove I saw was not white. It was a brown dove.... a mourning dove.... but this image illustrates well how the clouds tore open behind the bird...

Last but not least, here someone's photograph of a mourning dove on a tree. This is closest to the atmosphere (English?) of the experience I had. The sky was overcast just like this...it was in the afternoon....and I was looking slightly up at the dove.. similar to the way it is depicted in this image.