confused

I'm confused about how I should feel. ... I know, J loved me in the end.... he had developed trust and gratitude and true love, it seemed. He showed it in many ways he never did before. He also thanked me often and wrote letters of reassurance (that he is trying hard to straighten out his life). Something, he really didn't commit to in the first few years. And so, I find myself torn between these two phases, wondering if he maybe didn't love or respect me after all. Wondering, if he lived another double life.

If he did die of an overdose - something we won't know for months (which is when the toxicology reports come back) - then he probably had been using all along and I just didn't see it. I was aware that he just regularly relapsed but the full story may have been that he just hid it better all the times he was using in between. I only noticed his use on the days he lost complete control -- when he couldn't help but drink and then wouldn't come home or show up in the middle of the night only to be refused entry at the door.
(At some point, he internalized that drill so much that he stopped trying to come back to the house when he had anything to drink, for I just did not let him in, no matter how awful the weather was outside or how much he begged.)

I see so many signs of peace, support, and hope at the moment that I cannot believe he didn't love me...but I wish we would have had more time to make up for all the tough times we had.

The truth is, I regret nothing. I don't regret any time I spent with him, even when he drove me up the wall with his out-of-control life, for I loved him truly and unconditionally...with all his faults and weaknesses.
I loved his walk, his voice, his gestures, his birthmarks and scars, his smell, his stupid tattoo, his wild side, his intelligence, his everything. He made me laugh, he was up for anything, we danced, we could talk for hours without end, and we could sit peacefully with each other without saying a word.
He was my soul-mate.

Here a snippet from an email I stumbled over today:
"My love, you are my best friend.  I feel totally comfortable around you.  I do not change even the tiniest bit of my personality for your sake because I don't have to.  I don't even have to put on clothes around you.  Therefore, I am as if alone when you're around for I have nothing whatsoever to hide from you."