the power of the mind

I feel as if my brain has enveloped my consciousness with a hazy layer of protection. I have read about the power of the mind in traumatic situations. I have read about disassociation and full-blown temporary psychosis functioning to protect the individual suffering from whatever trauma. I never thought it was possible to temporarily suffer from a mental disorder, especially not something so severe as psychosis.

Anyway, I'm entirely too grounded for such extremes, I think; however, I have noticed a change in my perception. Time, for example, has become something I'm only vaguely aware of. Yesterday, I couldn't for the life of me remember what date it was. To me, it feels as if J just died today, even though it is now almost two weeks ago. I also don't know how I'm getting from point A to point B. Every route I travel seems to be done on complete auto-pilot. On the positive side, this is making traffic jams and commuting a sudden non-issue for me.

Yesterday, when I went to bed, my exhaustion seemed disproportional in relation to my activities of the day. I hadn't been up early, I didn't go to bed late the night before, and the day was pretty low-key. However, around 10:30 p.m., hours before I usually go to bed, it was suddenly as if I could sleep instantly, with my eyes open. I made my way to bed shortly after 11 and the moment I hit the pillow, I was almost in trance-like sleep. I had a dream that was so incredibly realistic that I couldn't figure out I was sleeping, something I can usually do. But something seemed really wrong in my dream. I felt almost paralyzed and suddenly I became convinced that I was trapped in my dream. Somehow I knew that I wasn't awake but I also knew that I couldn't wake up. I tried to hold someone's hand to help me out of this. To wake me. And, eventually, I got myself out and arose startled. For a very brief moment, I hoped, everything had been a dream. Everything. Including J's death.

I'm going to therapy today. First time in years.