making admends from the after-life

dammit. this isn't getting any better.
the fact that he isn't coming back is a reality that seems to strike me again every day, many times a day, despite the fact that I had my hand on his dead body. I know he passed. I know that this is my reality and, yet, I am surprised by its finality anew every day.

There is no escape from this.

I had a dream about him. A few days ago. It was the first dream of mine he appeared in since his death.
At first, we were together in a new place...or rather, I was in a new place and he came to see it. He was a bit confused and so was I. I wasn't sure if either of us knew that he had died but we both were aware that there was no real, physical space for him in this new place of mine, which I was showing him.

In the second part of my dream I wasn't really aware of my surroundings. It was just him talking to me. It appeared as if he was making amends in some way. It was as if he was watching re-runs of his behavior from many years ago. When he first set on this path of self-destruction. When his liquor- or drug-induced episodes involved his loved ones. At first, he referred to an older memory or scene he must have been looking at that included his ex-wife and daughter when she was still an infant. All he said was that he didn't realize how awful he was. How bad the alcohol turned him. He also must have reviewed, in stunned silence, past escalations with me. "Yes, it was bad and sometimes worse," I said. "But that was a long time ago." -- "I'm sorry", he said with true regret it seemed, "I'm sorry."   -- I was somewhat surprised to hear that he seemingly wasn't aware of  the full impact of his addiction. It was as if he just now got the opportunity to review (and seemingly relive) his intoxicated behavior with a clear mind and from an objective perspective.