next round

So… last night… I had just gone to bed (early…not even 10pm, yet) …my doorbell rang. When I answered, it was J…begging to be let in…begging me to talk to him. After a bit of a back and forth, I finally agreed to let him in but under the condition that he promised to behave and we’d stay in the stairwell. [kids were sleeping]

He was a mess. Skin and bones. Completely intoxicated, reeking of alcohol. Two gashes on his head from a seemingly very recent fight. Of course, he started loud and emotional the moment he saw me. In fact, he seemed angry and I got scared for a moment. He was talking about killing himself…killing any potential lovers of mine…but once I calmed him down a bit he stopped. I then realized his anger was rooted in the fact that he could not get me out of his head. He said that he had to drink up the courage to come and tell me how he felt. He just couldn’t “not see me ever again”. How I was his _everything_ …how much he loved me…how only I mattered….how he had thought of me _every_ single second of the day….and how beautiful I was…

Then there were a few angry mentions again about who I may have been with… and how he wants to kill them…and then he decided to share how many “b*tches” he had slept with…and how _nobody_, _nobody_ came close to me.

I’m not gonna lie…it was satisfying to hear these words….to get confirmation of his adoration for me….and as I noticed this satisfaction, I was, of course, appalled that I would think this way (!). I mean, I was looking at a completely broken man – why did it matter what he thought of me? 

… It mattered, because I loved him….because he had rejected and insulted me so vehemently when he left (which had truly bothered me, even though, I suspected it was not true).

Later – in a therapeutic break-through kind of moment – I realized that- maybe - the reason I was w/ J, trying so hard to make him love me and see my goodness and kindness was because he represented the two people in my life I couldn’t fix. My brothers.

Turns out – all I seem to want is to hear that he loves me.

At least, that’s what I’m thinking because, even though, it was so sad to see J in this state it also made me happy to hear all of these things. Happy – partially, anyway, for I don’t think it’s very good that he feels this intensely about me. He could, after all, go completely nuts one day and we all know where that could end. This is why I sleep with a knife under my mattress….and I really need to get a fire escape gate (not only because of him, of course…it’s NYC…anything is possible). But – I think, when it comes to J, the only thing this could be triggered by is if he (in a state of intoxication)  saw me with another man....not even sure if it would have to be explicitly intimate. Then again, I'm quite talented at drawing up worst-case scenarios so maybe I'm just being paranoid.

I spent more time than I wanted out in the hallway with him....and, of course, that’s when my neighbor Paul decided to go out. He has seen J in a drunken state at my door on more than one occasion. It’s getting kinda embarrassing.

J then decided he wants to get physical. He wanted a hug and he was just melting in my embrace…and then he almost couldn’t contain himself, tugging at my pajama-pants, pulling them down, trying to grab me… I had to really put him in check. Somehow I then managed to take care of his open wounds and even put a band-aid on one of them. When I was done, I told him he had to go and after begging to stay and later ringing the bell once more, he finally left.

I don’t know where it is he’s going to end up. He said he’s been making money…. When I asked how he said by selling heroin  (I’m not sure if that’s true and if yes, if that's all he’s doing….I know, addiction can lead to worse behavior…selling your body and such)……he looks like a junkie…:(

The only scintilla of hope I have is that he told me to go f- myself, when I said he looks like he’s going to turn into a statistic. That reaction may be a testament of a still existent spark in him that may help him regain strength and focus. …The only problem: his paranoia (part of his illness). At this point, I just think he needs to be and stay on medication to prevent relapses.

Anyway, I told him he’d probably hate himself tomorrow for coming here. 

He has no friends, he complained. .. 

“That’s because you’re an asshole to everyone”, I responded. “You need to stop already. Stop using. Turn your life around. Stop it. Go to meetings. It’s time. …. There are plenty of people who love you and who know you …they’re all waiting for you to get your life back together.”

Ach….when will this stop? Will it ever stop? …. I hope, he doesn’t write to me. I don’t want to get involved again….