A lot has happened since my last entry. Last Sunday – J sent text urging me to see him (if I didn’t he was just going to come up to my place). I had a photo shoot that got canceled so I decided I’ll go meet him before he “goes away” as he said. I wasn’t sure what that meant but either way, I thought, I’ll meet him since we then may not see each other for a while.
Turns out, he was scheduled to go into a mandadated,
lock-down rehab program somewhere downtown on Monday. I don’t know if it really
was because of the public assistance case (when in shelter system, must open
public assistance case, and if addiction issues, must go into program.
…honestly, that kinda makes no sense since the shelters are just huge big drug
houses. His mother’s version – that it was mandated by the court for some other
cr*p he did sounds much more plausible…but, I guess, much less pitiable.)
Anyway, …we spent a lovely afternoon in Central Park.
It reminded of how much I enjoyed his company. We walked a lot, lay in the
grass, basked in the sun, talked, joked, ..it was really nice.
As I told him it was time for me to go pick up the girls
from their dad, he announced that he’ll just break night and go to the program in
the morning, although, he said, he’d be leaving anyway for his graduation on
the 16th and then when his daughter comes in June or July.
And because I
was in such a cool, calm, and happy place (and we’ve had pretty stable convo
for a while) I invited him to stay with me until his graduation. I don’t know
what I was thinking….I have kids in the house! Taking in a recovering addict
(or, ‘recovering’…I don’t even think….more like wanna-be recovering).
But, I had already said it…and I felt bad taking it
back…so I just let it be, hid all the money lying around the house and hoped
for the best.
And it was really nice having him. He was good to the
kids. They were (and are) really excited that he’s here. He’s sleeping on the
futon and I was planning to keep everything platonic which worked well until I got weak yesterday
afternoon. Stupid me…cuz keeping the sex out of the equation (which breeds relationship-type
behavior) would have been a much wiser course of action. I had been so proud of
myself up until that point. It’s not like he wasn’t trying.
So – even though, I knew it may not be a good idea (or
the harmony won’t stay) and it may get me more involved….I decided to “live in
the moment”. And I knew that it wasn’t going to last…this complete and utter
perfection of togetherness but I didn’t think it would be _this_ short-lived.
Another thing I am completely aware of (and which still
doesn’t seem to change anything) is the fact that J is most definitely a sociopath (in my humble non-expert opinion, anyway). A very high-functioning sociopath
maybe, but nonetheless, a creature with exceptional manipulation skills and no
sense of empathy whatsoever.
He really, truly is amazing with his act (some of it,
I’m not even sure if it’s an act or an automated self-defense mechanism).
But, all in all, I just feel really sad. He’s
impossible to be with. He is so unstable that his situation or behavior or
seemingly fixated plans may change within a 2-hour time span.
Anyway…so today we spent a wonderful morning at his
Class Day (graduation ceremony for his School at Columbia University – reading of the
names, speeches, reception, etc.). His sister came with her kids and we just
all had a really nice time. Then he
went downtown to meet his prospective roommate (a friend of a friend) and I went to dance class and
to the store after.
I was putting away groceries when he returned and I
could tell immediately that he was not sober. He tried to blame it on being
really tired and having had too much champagne at the reception which was
kicking in now in combination with the exhaustion…but, I have been with him
long enough to know when he is high or drunk or something. Besides the fact
that I could smell the pungent odor of alcohol, different than the little bit
of champagne smell from earlier in the day, he also kept moving his jaw in a
weird way which I noticed him doing when he was severely intoxicated that night he came to
my door for the first time in almost 6 months. That’s what he did this
afternoon. In fact, I’m going to google it right now.
Ugh..I’m tired.
Anyway…so here we are again. I cannot believe it. This
is why I must stop wishing for him to
come back to me. For he will come, but he will be who he is and that’s that. Soul-mate
or not.
Oh, but how nice it was to have this little bit of time
with him…
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