in denial

http://www.searchquotes.com/viewimage/Love_Makes_You_Hold_On_To_Things_You_Shouldn%27t/533/

I don’t want to be at work anymore. I am completely over-loaded so even if it is quiet and people have nothing to do I am swamped. Besides the overwhelming quantity of the labor, it is also the quality of the tasks that’s frustrating. I feel like all creativity has just been sucked out of me. Yesterday, I sat in the parking lot crying about the fact that I have to go into this stupid, windowless, over-A/C-ed building … well, I was also talking to J about it…so, I guess, it made me feel even more upset (i.e. thinking about it instead of just succumbing to the rut).

Anyway…speaking of whom…

So J is now at the house….still. He’s been working on my friend's website, who btw. has sent over 40 emails in the past few days regarding additional web edits. I SO DON”T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. And, to top it all off…she is paying practically nothing… I’ve been rejecting people for months (asking for webhelp) because I don’t have the time…I feel hijacked….anyway…that’s not what I wanted to talk about…She is a lovely, lovely lady and I'm glad to help...but I just don't understand how she managed to book me up like this. ;)

So… again … J is at the house and all morning I was thinking about the letter I was going to write him. How he is in denial, how his porn preferences are worrisome, etc... 

But then... there he is…telling me to keep the money for the work he's done on the site….and telling me to send him all the webwork for P’s construction company site (even though, that deal entails only me getting work done in my apt.)….he just wants to help me….”I’ve done so much for him…” …. I reckon, he just doesn’t want to be kicked out.

In addition, he’s also been a much better roomie than he used to be. I mean…he’s still messy with his own stuff but he’s been doing lots of dishes, he takes out the garbage, he helped putting up a/cs, carry stuff, fold laundry,… he’s just been a much more considerate…and also tries to pay attention to the children...and that, they love, of course.

He wants to pretend nothing happened. Just like he wants to pretend he has no problem with alcohol or drugs.

He wants to continue to live in these soap bubbles…fugaciously being carried along, enjoying the ride until the bubble bursts and he falls, only to get back up and jump into the next bubble as if nothing happened.

And I? I want to ride right along with him. I want to pretend his reality isn’t as harsh as it is….I want to ignore all his troubles and just enjoy the good times. Never mind that he has an addiction problem, no home, no money, no job, no real or good friends or support networks, a warrant out for him, court dates pending, a giant tuition debt that keeps him from receiving his degree, and the list goes on.