I had to end it with my seemingly perfect suitor. It was creating such anxieties that I found myself with a death wish as I was driving to his place for a dinner invitation a few days ago.
I have never been someone who entertains suicidal thoughts. The only other time I had a moment like this was after my divorce. It was an impulse, a hope for relief from the complete and utter despair I felt about the failure of my marriage. It was in the midst of a total nervous break-down...and, I assume, it was a coping mechanism -- the very graphically detailed planning of taking my own life (which, in reality, I would never do).
It was a very vivid picture I painted - so vivid, apparently, that it woke my slightly clairvoyant daughter (back then only 5 years old). She just woke up screaming and crying out of deep sleep...for no reason whatsoever and when I rushed to her bedside, she just sobbed: "BUT,.. BUT I LOVE YOU!" ...
To me, the act and the idea are two different things but I have not played with this thought before or after that ever again until this moment a few days ago ... as I was driving to my dinner date. I found myself in the third, complete break-down of the day...sobbing and driving...when a huge truck passed by and - for a moment - I wished to have my life taken. I was so surprised by the thought that I caught myself. "Wow", I said out loud, "you would rather die than live without J?!...That's officially insane!" At that point, I also decided that I was not going to be able to have another relationship for a while. I needed time to heal and I feel so much better on my own. There is no replacing what J and I had together.
There never will be.
I resist reaching out to him not only because he is in no position to have a relationship (with me, anyway) but also because I feel like it would be selfish. If I contact him, he'll get weak, too, and I am no good for him, either. Without me, he may actually make it one day. I'm a trigger, I think. It's just how he thinks. No trust = trigger. Actual events are irrelevant. What he spins up in his head is enough. :(
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