tied forever?

it's been tough lately ... being without J.

yesterday i went on a second date with a man that's been courting me for weeks now. he is a perfect gentleman, he is respectful, he's attentive, listens, cares, ... he seems like a hard-working guy and is a great father to his kids. he also seems very honest and he is well-spoken ... but... after i returned home that night, I just sat in the car and started crying.

maybe it's that i am faced with the reality that if i give in to this potential relationship the loss of my soulmate - J - is finally official. i tried to reason with myself. i am trying to understand why it is that i love J the way i do. he was a product of his addictions and he was not good to me. ... maybe, it's that i saw through it all and just kept up this hope that he'll resurface eventually.

i've been strong - stayed away and kept my email block filter upstanding - but i am becoming weak... depression is creeping in and it's all making me feel even worse, for there is this guy who absolutely adores me (and is truly wonderful with me) and all i can think of is how afraid i am to get close [i don't even allow him to touch me!], for it would mean to get further away and more irrevocably so from J.

at this point, i can only assume i need therapy, for this can't be normal.

maybe this type of passionate and crazy love is like a test for us.... it's like an affair... it's tempting but it's best to stay away from it, for it will consume you and destroy you! ... or, less dramatically put: destroy part of you....leaving you with a void you will never be able to fill again. -- this is why we should choose our mates wisely...not let ourselves be driven by romantic infatuation but by evaluation of their character. ... love can come later... and it will be a different, more stable, mellow love.

but, i can reason myself to death.... all my heart wants is J. :/

this sucks.
or more cliched (how do i type an accent?): love f'in sucks! (ok...cliche is without the f'in...but i think it should be added).