my mourning dove

i like it when i'm asleep. it's like i live in a different version of reality there. sometimes, i forget that J died and the feeling of joy about his presence or our togetherness is beyond words which could do this emotion justice. in my dreams it is often so that i realize (or think to realize) that it was all not real...that he is alive after all, and somehow i just didn't know.

the day we left to go on our yearly trip home i found myself more somber than usual. it made no sense, for J never came with us in the time that we were together. i guess, it was as if i was leaving his space, the place that i associated with his presence, even though he was no longer that --- present.

as i was standing in the computer room i heard a familiar, yet strange, sound. it was the cooing of a mourning dove, only it sounded as if it had been recorded and played back slowly in order to analyze every part of its call. when i looked out of the window, i saw a mourning dove was sitting right on the outside sill, looking at me. i could have reached out and touched it, that's how close it was. another mourning dove sat on the tree behind. after all my encounters with this bird during the last year, i have come to learn that there is a certain significance to it when i see or hear it. this one seemed like a gentle gesture of farewell.