mistakes in grieving

a few days ago, i made the mistake of watching an old video of J and I bickering .. but, the way we always did... a fun, sarcastic banter between us...and, it made me laugh. of course, it also reminded me of how special it was that we had ... and how i never had this kind of chemistry and exchange with anyone else. it reminded me of how unique he was.

people feel compelled to tell me that love will come again and that i shouldn't close myself off. but, i am not big on relationships .. and, i think, this was it for me. sure, i could have other relationships one day but why? 80% of relationships are work, sacrifice, compromise, and general annoyance, aren't they? at least, that's how i perceive it.
with J it was different, even though, all these things were part of it, too. the difference was that i loved him so madly that it all didn't matter and was worth it. perhaps, i am romanticizing my relationship post-mortem. there is a chance that i'm doing that. it's a coping mechanism but, i suppose, it's a virtuous thing to remember only the good things about a person after they die.
then again, i don't only remember the good things. i remember all the bad sh-t, too. only, it makes no difference. just as it made no difference when he was alive and i was trying to convince myself that it should.

anyway .. so after the initial fun i had with watching this video (and another, in which he is rapping to a song on the radio as he is driving the car on a warm summer afternoon in the city), i later ended up in the fetal position on the floor, crying my eyes out, barely able to contain myself. i hadn't lost it like this in a while... in fact, i thought, things were getting better. after seeing his daughter two or three weeks ago, i had been feeling so calm.

it's always the same, i think i'm safe and i have made it through the worst, and then it gets you again, the hammer of grief .... for the lack of a better analogy. i like to refer to it as the strangling grip of grief but, really, it's more like a hammer coming down on you, out of nowhere, knocking you off your feet as you stand there unprepared. .. or another suitable tool analogy would be that squeezy apparatus .. i don't know what it's called.

anyway, so since then i've been feeling pretty low. yesterday morning, i reached out to a friend, but, it may not be a good idea to tell all your friends how there is nobody who can compare to the company J was to you. how there was noone you would have rather spent your time with. how he was the funniest person you knew.
... basically, i am telling everyone that their company is sub-par.
sigh. ... i must stop that.

what is this life for? if love is so important, why was this one taken. then again, the love is still here. he is gone. and from his departure, new love sprang. between all the people he left behind. ...

achh -- i hate it when i get all kumbaya and pseudo-wise/insightful.
it's annoying.
i'm angry.