depressed much?

i should smoke some weed i tell myself. escape this empty room, this empty everything. but, i don't want to. what i want, is to submerge myself in an even greater void. i want to drown myself into nothingness. i want to pull these blankets of darkness over my head and just wait it out.

the anger is back, together with the apathy. grief - a merry-go-round of unpredictable stages i thought were going to come and pass chronologically. that's what we've always heard. the stages of grief - they are a,b,c,d, and e.
no, they're not. not in that order, anyway. they come and go and come back and go, only to return again.

live in the present moment, i read over and over again. don't look back, for it is in the unchangeable past and don't look into the future because the thought of his absence will drive you mad. just focus on the present moment. pay attention to the details. that's how you stay in the moment.

the present moment.
it is midnight. almost the strike of.
it is an unusually mild march evening
i open the window and lean out to take in a breath of fresh air
i close my eyes - the night's scent reminds me of a nyc summer evening
i remember sitting on the fire escape with J, smoking cigarettes, talking.
*stay in the moment, dammit* .. NO memories now.

i walk into my children's room to retrieve my younger daughter's tooth.
she has lost it today and it is under her pillow waiting for the tooth fairy.
it's a molar. that's two dollars. i take the bloodstained tooth and save it,
even though i really just want to throw it out. i can't.
i take my time to carefully cut a pretty ribbon
and wrap the dollar bills like a gift.

the present moment is over.
i don't know what to pay attention to anymore besides the empty room.
i don't want to do anything. i just want to submerge myself in nothingness.