the only way to process grief is to suffer through it

I don't know what to do with myself. I thought, I was getting better. I thought, this pain is receding, and, that the new year may have brought a new level of acceptance with it. It felt that way. But, I guess, it was just me being in denial. And, you know what happens when you deny grief? It catches up with you and hits you badly, like a sudden arrival of the flu when you've ignored the earlier symptoms to lay down and rest before it gets worse.

Grief, I have read so often now, is something you have to go through. It is a process and you ought to be part of it. You can't clock out and come back when it's done. You are the catalyst of this process - without you, the journey isn't going anywhere but maybe backwards.

I really thought that the turn of the year changed something in me - my perception of time, maybe. I didn't cry for a good week or two after New Year's Day. When last year, I found myself in tears almost every single day. But, on Monday, the pain returned out of nowhere. The tight chest, the overwhelming sadness, the realization that the man I loved so much will never return.

It's almost as if I forget that this is permanent... and maybe in those times of forgetfulness (or denial), I feel better ... until the meaner part of my brain kicks in to remind me that J is dead... that I will never hear his funny feedback on anything ever again...that we will never laugh or argue with each other again ... that I will never be able to kiss his neck, touch his arm, or pinch his cheek again ... that I will never have this kind of uninhibited, trusting, and intense sexual togetherness - ever again. It was as if we couldn't possibly get closer to each other when we were together.