"proof of heaven" is throwing me for a loop

if i ever write a book about this personal tragedy of mine i will call it: "i saved and killed him".
now, i just need more literary talent, better english vocabulary, and the discipline to write only on one thing every day.

it's been almost ten months now and i still cry almost every day. i have shed more tears in 2013 than i have in my entire life. although, i guess, that wasn't too hard to do .. i never was much of a cryer.

every night, before i turn off the light, i look at J's picture on my bedside table and i just cannot believe this reality of mine. it's like - all day i am hyper-aware that he is gone but at that moment, when i look at this photograph it is a new charge of disbelief, every night. i have tried to put the picture away but i can't _not_ have it there. it has to be there. i have managed to put his ashes into a less visible place in the other room, i have put away the photo collage from his funeral, and i have even donated most of his clothes. the latter was particularly hard. it took me several attempts and many tears to get it done. his towel still hangs in the bathroom and i am still sleeping on 'my' side of the bed but, i know, i have to deal with that at some point.

i've been reading "proof of heaven" by eben alexander, a neurosurgeon who had a near-death experience (NDE) that sounds like a bit like an acid trip, or .. how i would imagine an acid trip, given the fact that i have never tried any of that stuff. it's not that i wouldn't have tried (all my friends did) but i had an experience as a teenager that kept me away from anything but weed for the rest of my life so far. it was a guy talking to his darts that would come around the youth center. when i asked my older friends what was up with him, they told me that he was having occasional flash backs from too much drug use. i never fact-checked whether that's possible but i never touched a trip ever, out of fear that it would come back to haunt me later. i also was afraid of horror trips i couldn't escape. basically, i'm a control freak and this kind of loss of power freaked me out.

to return to the subject - eben alexander's book confirms a lot of notions i have read about before, especially (and most lately) from lorna byrne's book "a message from the angels", which took a long time and lots of open-mindedness to get into and absorb. however, if alexander's memories of what he experienced are true (i.e. not just an illusion created by his brain), then that would mean, all the inexplicable things that i have experienced in the time since J has passed are either hallucinations (which they were not) or they are not messages or signs placed in my path by J, for he is far, far away, in some happy, musical land of happy, completely oblivious to my (our) suffering about his death.

if i take lorna byrne's book, i would say, maybe these signs of comfort have all been given to me by my guardian angel ... my God .. it was _really_ hard to put these three words in writing.... my guardian angel. it sounds so crazy... but for a lot of people _believing in God_ sounds crazy ... and if i believe in God than believing in angels and guardian angels isn't crazy, it's part of the belief. lorna byrne's book changed my life, is all i can say. i see the world differently now but i am still hesitant to settle on a final theory on how this all works.