he must be here somewhere

today, i had a moment in which i lost all my doubts.

i had gone to the pool with J's mother, his nephew, and my kids. on the way home, she decided she wanted to stop at the spanish place to get chicken, rice, and beans to feed the children. because traffic on broadway was insane, i double-parked the car on a side street and she hopped out to walk the block to the restaurant.
suddenly, it occurred to me that the place she was going to sold the best tres-leche cake in town. in fact, i don't usually like tres-leche cake but this one is to die for. it is one of my current addictions.

i frantically turned into all directions breaking my head over how to communicate to her my urgent craving. she had left her phone and i couldn't leave the car double-parked with 3 kids in it. people were already honking at me to move it back and forth so they could pass. and so - i did the only thing i could come up with: i closed my eyes, circulated my hands around my temples, and tried to will her into bringing me this cake:
"tres-leche, tres-leche, Thea, tres-leche, think about the tres-leche! i've told you about it so many times. remember? come-on! tres-leche, tres-leche. your son's favorite cake! how about some dessert?"

... i must have looked like a crazy person to any passers-by but i couldn't see, for my eyes were squeezed shut. then, i decided that my non-existent telepathic skills may not be enough and so i added:" J! tell your mom to bring me tres-leche cake! come-on! work your magic! i _know_ you can reach her. i want tres-leche, tres-leche! pleeeeeze. can you make that happen?"

and - lo and behold - his mom arrives, food in one bag, tres-leche cake in the other.
(i kid you not!) -> "this is from J," she said jokingly - of course, completely unaware of the significance of her words at that moment.
i was speechless.
i couldn't believe that actually worked.
"what made you bring this cake?" i asked carefully.
"i don't know. i was just waiting for the food. looking around. checking out the menu in detail, when suddenly there was something like a breeze on my face and i turned and saw the cakes at the other end of the bar. and then i thought, J would have really loved a tres leche cake." and so I bought one.

this event made me smile for the rest of the day.
most of these types of experiences fill me with as much doubt as conviction ...but today, i felt absolutely certain that J was with us.... it's either that or i can control people's minds ... and ... hmm...i guess, that would be almost as awesome as knowing that my sweet love is at my side.