and this is what she said...

every day, reality sinks in with a bit more gravity. he isn't coming back.
every day, i cry. every m-f-in' day.
i don't want to cry anymore. what's the f-in point?!??! ...there is no freaggin' point. it won't change anything. it won't help. it won't make me feel better. in fact, it makes me feel worse.

but, i can't control it.
i hardly ever cried before J passed. i stopped crying when i was around 11 years old. when my mother left us. i didn't see the point in it and it made me angry to cry. i felt weak. so, i stopped. for the most part, anyway.
now, i feel as if i am making up for all that lack of crying of the past 25 years... :/

as i am typing this, i am hearing noises in the living room. it is past midnight... and it just occurred to me that regardless of how much i miss him, there is no way i could handle seeing him in any type of after-life form. the adrenaline rush i just got is truly unpleasant. i think, i would have a heart attack if i were to suddenly become one of these people who see stuff ... or dead people! aaaahhhhhh ...

speaking of which, ... this evening my friend asked me if I could drive her mother home. Her mom had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and has been spending much more time at her daughter's (my friend's) place. It's amazing and scary to watch someone's memory fade. Not only do I see it myself - when I observe how she forgets how to count to five, or the name of a vegetable, or how to open a door.... but I also hear lots of stories from my girlfriend about the loss of this once so sharp woman's memory.

needless to say, i was completely taken aback when this little old lady sat in the car with me tonight and spoke to me with such clarity that i felt as if it wasn't just her talking. she began straight out of nowhere. she said (and i'm paraphrasing as best as i can ... and mind you... she speaks mostly Spanish...but this was all coming in English):

you have to be strong. focus on your girls. you have to be strong for them. and for yourself. you will find richness in life again. the pain will fade one day and you will be happy again. you will.
you have to stop crying. 
stop crying every day!
you can cry once a week, ok? maybe when you go to the church.
you have to stop remembering so much. stop thinking about him so much. stay busy.

he is with jesus now. he is better. you have to believe that. he is better now.
just pray  ... and it will get better.

for the most part i kinda glanced over at her in disbelief. she was looking at me so intently.
i barely ever speak to this woman. i don't think J has even ever met her.
and, how on earth does she remember that A) i had a relationship with someone and B) that he died?

when i later told my girlfriend about her mother's strangely mystical speech, she told me that the only thing her mother knew was that J passed... but that she remembered it seemed strange.

also, ... how did she know i cry every day? how did she assume that he was better now? that would mean she knew how much he struggled and how would she know that? and she knows i'm not christian (if she remembers that) ...how does she know i go into churches to pray?

my friend told me that her mother was known as a pretty powerful 'santeria' in her days. she always knew things before they were happening...always saw things others didn't. "she sees dead people, you know", my friend said, "but she usually doesn't like talking about it."

well, she didn't have to tell me any of these things. the fact that a woman with advanced dementia (who primarily speaks spanish) talked to me the way that she did, just made me shut up and listen.

on the way back, i cried anyway. :/ ...
but - this time i managed to stop myself before it turned into uncontrollable sobbing.

i always thought, repression is a powerful tool.
i think, i'm going to return to it.
think less about this unimaginable (but so terribly real) loss.

just don't think about it.

maybe i need to move.