next round

So… last night… I had just gone to bed (early…not even 10pm, yet) …my doorbell rang. When I answered, it was J…begging to be let in…begging me to talk to him. After a bit of a back and forth, I finally agreed to let him in but under the condition that he promised to behave and we’d stay in the stairwell. [kids were sleeping]

He was a mess. Skin and bones. Completely intoxicated, reeking of alcohol. Two gashes on his head from a seemingly very recent fight. Of course, he started loud and emotional the moment he saw me. In fact, he seemed angry and I got scared for a moment. He was talking about killing himself…killing any potential lovers of mine…but once I calmed him down a bit he stopped. I then realized his anger was rooted in the fact that he could not get me out of his head. He said that he had to drink up the courage to come and tell me how he felt. He just couldn’t “not see me ever again”. How I was his _everything_ …how much he loved me…how only I mattered….how he had thought of me _every_ single second of the day….and how beautiful I was…

Then there were a few angry mentions again about who I may have been with… and how he wants to kill them…and then he decided to share how many “b*tches” he had slept with…and how _nobody_, _nobody_ came close to me.

I’m not gonna lie…it was satisfying to hear these words….to get confirmation of his adoration for me….and as I noticed this satisfaction, I was, of course, appalled that I would think this way (!). I mean, I was looking at a completely broken man – why did it matter what he thought of me? 

… It mattered, because I loved him….because he had rejected and insulted me so vehemently when he left (which had truly bothered me, even though, I suspected it was not true).

Later – in a therapeutic break-through kind of moment – I realized that- maybe - the reason I was w/ J, trying so hard to make him love me and see my goodness and kindness was because he represented the two people in my life I couldn’t fix. My brothers.

Turns out – all I seem to want is to hear that he loves me.

At least, that’s what I’m thinking because, even though, it was so sad to see J in this state it also made me happy to hear all of these things. Happy – partially, anyway, for I don’t think it’s very good that he feels this intensely about me. He could, after all, go completely nuts one day and we all know where that could end. This is why I sleep with a knife under my mattress….and I really need to get a fire escape gate (not only because of him, of course…it’s NYC…anything is possible). But – I think, when it comes to J, the only thing this could be triggered by is if he (in a state of intoxication)  saw me with another man....not even sure if it would have to be explicitly intimate. Then again, I'm quite talented at drawing up worst-case scenarios so maybe I'm just being paranoid.

I spent more time than I wanted out in the hallway with him....and, of course, that’s when my neighbor Paul decided to go out. He has seen J in a drunken state at my door on more than one occasion. It’s getting kinda embarrassing.

J then decided he wants to get physical. He wanted a hug and he was just melting in my embrace…and then he almost couldn’t contain himself, tugging at my pajama-pants, pulling them down, trying to grab me… I had to really put him in check. Somehow I then managed to take care of his open wounds and even put a band-aid on one of them. When I was done, I told him he had to go and after begging to stay and later ringing the bell once more, he finally left.

I don’t know where it is he’s going to end up. He said he’s been making money…. When I asked how he said by selling heroin  (I’m not sure if that’s true and if yes, if that's all he’s doing….I know, addiction can lead to worse behavior…selling your body and such)……he looks like a junkie…:(

The only scintilla of hope I have is that he told me to go f- myself, when I said he looks like he’s going to turn into a statistic. That reaction may be a testament of a still existent spark in him that may help him regain strength and focus. …The only problem: his paranoia (part of his illness). At this point, I just think he needs to be and stay on medication to prevent relapses.

Anyway, I told him he’d probably hate himself tomorrow for coming here. 

He has no friends, he complained. .. 

“That’s because you’re an asshole to everyone”, I responded. “You need to stop already. Stop using. Turn your life around. Stop it. Go to meetings. It’s time. …. There are plenty of people who love you and who know you …they’re all waiting for you to get your life back together.”

Ach….when will this stop? Will it ever stop? …. I hope, he doesn’t write to me. I don’t want to get involved again….

a very romeo&juliet-esque moment

I had to end it with my seemingly perfect suitor. It was creating such anxieties that I found myself with a death wish as I was driving to his place for a dinner invitation a few days ago.

I have never been someone who entertains suicidal thoughts. The only other time I had a moment like this was after my divorce. It was an impulse, a hope for relief from the complete and utter despair I felt about the failure of my marriage. It was in the midst of a total nervous break-down...and, I assume, it was a coping mechanism -- the very graphically detailed planning of taking my own life (which, in reality, I would never do).
It was a very vivid picture I painted - so vivid, apparently, that it woke my slightly clairvoyant daughter (back then only 5 years old). She just woke up screaming and crying out of deep sleep...for no reason whatsoever and when I rushed to her bedside, she just sobbed: "BUT,.. BUT I LOVE YOU!" ...

To me, the act and the idea are two different things but I have not played with this thought before or after that ever again until this moment a few days ago ... as I was driving to my dinner date. I found myself in  the third, complete break-down of the day...sobbing and driving...when a huge truck passed by and - for a moment - I wished to have my life taken. I was so surprised by the thought that I caught myself. "Wow", I said out loud, "you would rather die than live without J?!...That's officially insane!" At that point, I also decided that I was not going to be able to have another relationship for a while. I needed time to heal and I feel so much better on my own. There is no replacing what J and I had together.
There never will be.

I resist reaching out to him not only because he is in no position to have a relationship (with me, anyway) but also because I feel like it would be selfish. If I contact him, he'll get weak, too, and I am no good for him, either. Without me, he may actually make it one day. I'm a trigger, I think. It's just how he thinks. No trust = trigger. Actual events are irrelevant. What he spins up in his head is enough. :(

tied forever?

it's been tough lately ... being without J.

yesterday i went on a second date with a man that's been courting me for weeks now. he is a perfect gentleman, he is respectful, he's attentive, listens, cares, ... he seems like a hard-working guy and is a great father to his kids. he also seems very honest and he is well-spoken ... but... after i returned home that night, I just sat in the car and started crying.

maybe it's that i am faced with the reality that if i give in to this potential relationship the loss of my soulmate - J - is finally official. i tried to reason with myself. i am trying to understand why it is that i love J the way i do. he was a product of his addictions and he was not good to me. ... maybe, it's that i saw through it all and just kept up this hope that he'll resurface eventually.

i've been strong - stayed away and kept my email block filter upstanding - but i am becoming weak... depression is creeping in and it's all making me feel even worse, for there is this guy who absolutely adores me (and is truly wonderful with me) and all i can think of is how afraid i am to get close [i don't even allow him to touch me!], for it would mean to get further away and more irrevocably so from J.

at this point, i can only assume i need therapy, for this can't be normal.

maybe this type of passionate and crazy love is like a test for us.... it's like an affair... it's tempting but it's best to stay away from it, for it will consume you and destroy you! ... or, less dramatically put: destroy part of you....leaving you with a void you will never be able to fill again. -- this is why we should choose our mates wisely...not let ourselves be driven by romantic infatuation but by evaluation of their character. ... love can come later... and it will be a different, more stable, mellow love.

but, i can reason myself to death.... all my heart wants is J. :/

this sucks.
or more cliched (how do i type an accent?): love f'in sucks! (ok...cliche is without the f'in...but i think it should be added).