lost in a dream

i dreamed of J last night.

the whole dream he accompanied me, wondering why i am not looking after him. asking, why it is that i am only preparing food for myself, or not reaching out to him. why are we not spending time together? he wondered. i didn't have an answer. i didn't understand. "yes, why would i do such a thing?" i asked myself. then i invited him to lay down with me on the couch to spoon, thinking to myself, "oh God, and why did i sleep with another guy?! how could i do such a thing?! i can't ever tell him that. he'll leave. .. and i don't even know why i did it. i don't know the reason for any of these thoughtless actions." ... only when i opened my eyes, did i realize the reason why.

because he died. that's why.