she sees dead people

J's mother T has been seeing him. Maybe that's why I'm the only one left crying, ..because I don't. I know she is aching deeply but, she says, she can't cry anymore. I feel like I can't stop. It's driving me mad.

She has seen him pass by in the hallway as she is playing with her grand-daughter in a room at J's sister's house. She has seen him help fix her car. It's always only a brief apparition - an instant of visibility that needs a double-take and then vanishes.

Yesterday she told me that he was with her all day as she went to court. Why she is in court is a sad story I don't think I want to get into too deeply. In short, she is trying to save her grand-son from her youngest daughter, at least, that's how she sees it. She feels that her youngest isn't capable of caring for her now 7-year-old son. He is asthmatic and has no health insurance and he has recently seen his mother and father get into physical fight, which has traumatized him and which motivated T to attempt to remove the child from the household. ... It's all very sad, for I don't think J's youngest sister understands what is happening. She is just unfathomably angry at her mother, not seeing the bigger picture -- i.e. the well-being of her child. The whole situation is, of course, much more complex than what a mere few words can describe.

In either case, T told me that on the court date J's presence was so intense that even other people saw him. At first, it was the parking attendant, handing her a ticket as she walked out and inquiring whether "he" isn't going to get out, too? ... When she asked who he was referring to, he seemed confused and apologized "Oh, I'm sorry ... I thought, there was somebody with you when you drove in." .. Later that day, when she had just entered the court room, sitting there alone with the judge - the secretary wasn't there, yet, and the guard had gone to fetch her daughter, the judge gestured semi-focused to the side of T, asking her what the name of her lawyer was as she returned her gaze to the papers on her podium. T was confused but as she glanced to the chair next to her - just for an ever-so-short moment - she saw her son, sitting there in a black suit, a blue shirt, no tie, looking up to the podium. "I don't have a lawyer," she told the judge, who seemed confused for a moment, flustered, shuffling her paperwork, mumbling something of the effect of "oh, sorry... i ... " and then trailing off into silence with no further comments. I guess, she also thought she saw someone sitting with T at first.

I don't ever see J. Not that I want to and not that I don't want to. What I want is to have him back. Alive, bickering, joking, loving, and on a successful path to recovery. What I want is to touch him, look at him inches away from his face,...smell his skin ...and run my fingers through his short, short hair. Kiss him.

I'm sad that I can't see J ever again but I don't want apparitions. I don't think I could handle it. My whole concept of reality would collapse. I mean, yes - I believe in some sort of 4th dimension - I don't think, this is it .... our bodies, no souls, we die, that's that. I don't believe that. However, I cannot imagine this other dimension and I'm afraid of its reality. If I were to be able to see J then that would mean I would be able to see others and - no thanks - I don't think I would take that very well.

I get so many subtle signs that I sometimes try to read too much into non-signs, or at least, that's what I think. It's a confusing thing to be more in tune with the world and how everything is connected. And it isn't an always-open channel of understanding. Sometimes, I feel locked out.

Sad fact, however, remains that, even though, I feel like I'm being shown that I am not alone and that J is with me sometimes, he will never be here like he used to be. We will never have what we had again. My partner, my love, my soul-mate is gone and the only way I will ever stop crying is if learn to accept that my life has changed forever and that I need to start some sort of new life.

Of course, I know, there is no skipping steps in the grieving process. And so, I dutifully go through everything. Back and forth and round and round. There is no succession of phases. It's all a mixture of feelings. At the moment, there is a lot of despair and anger, depending on the day. ... And, one thing is for sure (or so, I think), the emotions are running more deeply (i.e. I suffer even more) when I'm PMS-ing. What else is new? Hormones aren't helping. At least, that's how I'm rationalizing this seemingly excessive grief. It's been eight months. I feel like I should be better now.... and I am ... but it's surprising how overall affected I still am. ... I think, I'm depressed.