that noose around his neck

I've been reading old journal entries of mine to combat the extra layer of sadness that's enveloped me since his birthday a few days ago. They are letters to myself, written in the first and second year of our turbulent relationship, listing all the the reasons why I should leave him. Endlessly, throughout hundreds of pages, I document unacceptable interactions between us, arguing about how we could never work.

Going over these entries, I must say, I am shocked at what I was willing to accept from this crazy boy. My forgiveness and patience seemed limitless. J was a really troubled, angry, and struggling individual but I can honestly say that at the end, we were worlds away from those unimaginably difficult first years. At the end, he had learned to trust, to love, to give, to take on his role as a father with his own child, as well as recognize his importance with my children. He had become a man and he expressed his gratitude and love to me over and over.

Unfortunately, even though he left all his dark times behind, he had acquired something he couldn't just get rid of with simple discipline and personal enlightenment. This last connection to his dark, self-destructive, post-divorce phase was an addiction he never anticipated. An addiction that had him in his grip and didn't want to let go - despite his pleas, despite my cries, despite his otherwise wonderful growth as a person.

And ultimately, he wasn't able to free himself of that noose he had placed around his neck so many years ago. Once it's there, it seems a thing of sheer impossibility to cut yourself free. You may be able to loosen the grip of addiction but, I suppose, it will never let you go completely once you give yourself to it. :(

I never understood addiction until the day I lost the man I had come to truly love unconditionally.

In one of his last emails to me, he writes:

Hang in there, my love.  I am trying very hard to be the type of man that deserves you.  I am grateful for all of the work you've put in to this relationship.  And I will not let you leave me now.

It has been an incredibly difficult few years.  But I am committed to living by the words of the Apostle Paul when he wrote in his letter to the Corinthians:

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

I am tired of being a whiny man-child.  Yes, I will quit smoking cigarettes.  Who needs them?  I will start working out again; I miss that.  I will read more.

I love you.  And there is nothing I will not accomplish to ensure that you love me too... including going to these fucking meetings.


"I am J.W., and I am a recovering addict."  The only reason I go to these meetings is to say that aloud.  Leave me or not, I will keep going.  I need the daily reminder of what I stand to lose should I not take my sobriety seriously.  And I need the daily reminder of how great life can be when you tackle it every day sober...  I can not wait another day... certainly not two years.. to be free from this shit.
....

S., I am as fine as a guy as fucked as me can be.  And I will continue to work to become the type of man that you can see yourself living with.

We've come a _long_ way!
.....

I wish I was a better writer.  I would describe your kiss this morning in ways that would approach the poetic.  She is still with me.  I will not let her down.  I am a man.  I can do this.  And, if she does leave me, I will make her regret it.  :)

J.