Last Friday J showed up with all this stuff and the news that he had quit his job, for they weren’t going to give him his promised raise. “So you quit to end up with no money at all?” I thought. "It's been only 3 months! And you were looking for a job for months before that! Aaahhgh."
He said he could go to a shelter - but NYC shelters are nothing but drug houses - so, no, I wasn't going to let him do that....and he knew it.
He has been trying so hard to be an extra good roommate. Does the dishes, pays attention to the kids, helps with feeding them (and even made lunch for them today), went shopping (with my card, but still…), and last but not least, been working on a freelance website gig…more or less.
UNFORTUNATELY, it doesn’t matter how hard he tries – I am insanely frustrated by the fact that he is back in this needy position. I don’t want anybody living in my house! Especially not someone who could lose his sh-- at any moment …which he did today, btw. He is probably getting hammered as we speak. He is also on his way to the shelter….or so he said. :/ I guess, he is on a downward spiral...and (or because?) this allows him to pick up a bottle. Or, at least, that's how I'm guessing this works.
Ugh. WHY is it that I have to love a man so hopelessly dysfunctional? WHY? Whyyy?!
I really am losing hope. I don’t think he’s going to make it. I watch him make too many stupid decisions without any type of reasonable judgment or foresight. I just don't think he is going to get and stay on his two feet anytime soon, if ever.
J really has come a long way. He is much better than he used to be. But, he is still relapsing (or whatever one wants to call it) every week or so. And I just don’t want that in my life. … yeah, yeah… I keep saying that I don’t want this in my life BUT THEN I KEEP HIM BY MY SIDE anyway.
And that’s what is so frustrating. I HATE the fact that he struggles soo much with his life. He is a sufferer. He is incredibly emotional, insecure, and unstable. AND I CANNOT and WILL NEVER BE ABLE to change that. I know this. But, I also love him to a fault.
J is the f—in’ one. That angry, hopeless little man is my f—in’ soulmate. So, as much as I want him out-out-out of my house, I also don’t want to see him go.
I need some serious therapy.
If he had a job and were contributing his share (and I maybe had one more extra - sound-proof [cuz he is a loud night owl - room in the house), I may be able to tolerate the living-together thing. But this scenario just - over and over again - makes me think of a check-list term I heard on a TED talk: one of the characteristics identifying a psycho-path -> “parasitic life-style”. http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/jon_ronson_strange_answers_to_the_psychopath_test.html
I’m sure if J heard that, he’d be deeply offended. Especially since he’s trying so hard to give back in other ways.
But – I can’t help it. I can’t help it. I have had too much of this story. The story needs to change; otherwise, I’m giving up on the happy ending and am settling for the rational and unromantically lonely one.
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