stability, recovery, and relapse

J has had a job now for about 3 months. His internet habits have changed, so I guess, excessive porn/chat-site surfing are symptoms of active use. Bear in mind, he still does visit these sites but before it would be 50 entries in the history, and now it's maybe 10. Yes, I look at the browsing history. Being with a pathological liar turns you into a spy, always searching for the truth. I was married for 12 years before this relationship; I not once looked at that man's phone, browsing history, or email. It just didn't even occur to me. There was one exception, but I'm not going to get into this now just for the sake of record straightening.

For the most part the past few months have been stable and sometimes I can see his care and love shine through, or - at least - he's doing a much better job at faking it, for I am still wondering at times, whether my soul-mate is, in fact, a socio- or psychopath. I just watched this talk on TED  and, according to the speaker's checklist, it looks like I actually know a couple of psychopaths...but J is definitely on the top of the list, if you were to judge from the past 5 years with him. The only thing that keeps up my healthy doubt about this diagnosis is the fact that I knew him before that. I know how he relates to his child, how deeply he loves (if "love" is the right word), or how he can't help but really like the dog I'm fostering, even though he would much rather prefer to be indifferent about this animal.

Before the dog came into the house he went on a big rant about how filthy these creatures are. I just sat there and thought, "wow, and this coming from a guy who didn't do his laundry for a year, can go days without brushing his teeth or changing his underwear, and who - just yesterday - left a counter full of Parmesan cheese out all night, much to the enjoyment of our nocturnal rodent visitors. Never mind the plate of rice left-overs he forgot about the day before, right next to the dirty socks and the empty juice cups under the futon." In other words, hypocrisy could be that man's second name but, sometimes, I feel like he doesn't even notice the double-standards he presents. Seriously.
Anyway, he ended up really liking the dog and I was so happy to see this. It was kinda like the story Bill Burr tells in one of his absolutely hilarious stand-up comedy gigs.

Anyway, ... now I spent all this time writing without mentioning at all what I actually wanted to talk about: The fact that J still slips up (or rather, decides to use - smoke/drink/etc.) every week or so. Sometimes it's worse, sometimes it's not so bad - usually he makes it to work the next day (if it happens to be a week-day) but accompanied by these relapses are still angry words, lies, a mess from his middle-of-the-night feedings (if he is at my place), and actions he completely forgets about by the next day (e.g. calling his ex-wife in an angry outburst at 3 a.m., or keeping me up half the night with his whining about how everybody hates him, or chatting up other chicks on wireclub.)

I am not quite sure how I should react to these relapses. In Austria, I have several friends who get intoxicated weekly or regularly, and nobody tries to label them with such a worrisome title as the word "addict". But, I guess, when it's your own partner, you just don't want to tolerate it.
I don't want this kind of behavior in my life. I know, I'm not supposed to "shame the addict". It doesn't help. But, I don't want a drunk person near me! ... and J is no better high. He is annoying in every state of intoxication, for he becomes so dumb and so cantankerous, when he is usually sharp as a whip and relatively wise and careful, when discussions get a bit more heated.

I don't know what to do. I love his company when he's sober. I like his weekend visits. But, I cannot stand the times when he steps away to inebriate himself. It could be happy times. It doesn't matter. When he hears the sirens calling, he will run. :(
Sometimes, I can even feel it. I feel when it is about to happen or when it is happening (if we are already apart). And, yet, I remain so powerless. So powerless.

I want him to be o.k.. I want him to tie himself to the stupid mast! I want him to stop already. But, I know, recovery doesn't happen from one day to the other. My expectations are too high, even though, I constantly try to remind myself to keep them low and realistic. Little baby steps. Little victories. Recognize them. Cherish them. Look ahead. This change is a journey with no set path.

And regardless of my wiser self's soliloquies, I find myself frustrated, sad, exhausted, and at a loss.