dreams do come true ... or .. nightmares, rather.

Last night I dreamed that I was sitting in the office looking into the living room where J was pacing back and forth – restless and desperate. “The urge is OVERWHELMING”, he said to me (referring to the urge of wanting to go drink)… “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how else to distract myself anymore.” All I remember was that I felt has helpless as he. I didn’t have an answer, leaving me at a complete and powerless loss.

This morning I woke up and J was gone. He had taken with him all the cash in my wallet, and because he put the wallet in a different bag (my camera pouch) I didn’t until much later realize that I didn’t need to cancel all my credit cards or spend time searching at my job, in the supermarket, and in the car, for the possibly not stolen but LOST wallet. Although, of course, my very first thought was “That bastard did it again!”

So – I barely made it to the MBA info session I had signed up for at C University and I skipped the class visit I had planned afterward. I needed to tend to the possibly stolen wallet issue – which, naturally, aggravated me to no end. Again, he managed to completely mess with my day/life. “NEVER AGAIN! It’s over,” I swore to myself … hours before I let him back into my house. 

He had, in fact, gone out and got completely wasted. He ran into someone he knew on the street, they offered smoke, he didn’t refuse – and the rest is the usual story -> inhibitions lowered, stupid ideas & drinking to follow.

“WHY – even though you know exactly where a 'yes' to smoke or drink will most likely lead – do you still answer with “yeih, sure!” when asked?? I don’t get it? You have a brain, don’t you? You wouldn’t eat walnuts if someone offered you a delicious cake with walnuts in it. It could kill you.  … WHY are you not able to create this auto-response for yourself with weed & alcohol? … “Want walnuts?” – "No, thanks – I can’t have walnuts." … “Wanna beer?” – "No, thanks, I don’t drink." PERIOD. Never ever again say 'yes' to that question. It just shouldn’t be an option. If you get depressed, “caged in”, hopeless about your life, whatever – find OTHER ways to deal with it! Go walk, run, play music, get moving – it creates endorphins! It is proven to work to take that edge off…and then you go from there. Write, go to a meeting, do some community service – helping others works, too! There are so many recipes ..so many options. Intoxication should not even be an option. Ever. Like Walnuts.

I just don’t get it.

Then again, I should get _some_ aspects of it. I know the cycle, I know the risks of heart-ache, instability or loss & damage of property that may lay in my near future if I take this man back into my life, and I do it anyway -over and over again! I’m hopelessly hopeful. Or I’m just as f—ed up in the head as he is with his addiction issue.

Ugh.

Love is just… I just … why? Why does it work that way? … If J had been an addict when I met him, I could at least do my little self-analysis/psychological break-through thing and determine that he represents my older brother, who has been a heroin addict for most of his life. But, J wasn’t that when I fell for him. He was a successful, quirky, funny geek who was very well-mannered, wickedly smart, responsible, and in charge of his life.

The autodidactic psycho-analysis continues…

what if THE ONE shouldn't really be THE ONE?

Last Friday J showed up with all this stuff and the news that he had quit his job, for they weren’t going to give him his promised raise. “So you quit to end up with no money at all?” I thought. "It's been only 3 months! And you were looking for a job for months before that! Aaahhgh."

He said he could go to a shelter - but NYC shelters are nothing but drug houses - so, no, I wasn't going to let him do that....and he knew it.

He has been trying so hard to be an extra good roommate. Does the dishes, pays attention to the kids, helps with feeding them (and even made lunch for them today), went shopping (with my card, but still…), and last but not least, been working on a freelance website gig…more or less.

UNFORTUNATELY, it doesn’t matter how hard he tries – I am insanely frustrated by the fact that he is back in this needy position. I don’t want anybody living in my house! Especially not someone who could lose his sh-- at any moment …which he did today, btw. He is probably getting hammered as we speak. He is also on his way to the shelter….or so he said. :/ I guess, he is on a downward spiral...and (or because?) this allows him to pick up a bottle. Or, at least, that's how I'm guessing this works.

Ugh. WHY is it that I have to love a man so hopelessly dysfunctional? WHY? Whyyy?!
I really am losing hope. I don’t think he’s going to make it. I watch him make too many stupid decisions without any type of reasonable judgment or foresight. I just don't think he is going to get and stay on his two feet anytime soon, if ever.

J really has come a long way. He is much better than he used to be. But, he is still relapsing (or whatever one wants to call it) every week or so. And I just don’t want that in my life. … yeah, yeah… I keep saying that I don’t want this in my life BUT THEN I KEEP HIM BY MY SIDE anyway.

And that’s what is so frustrating. I HATE the fact that he struggles soo much with his life. He is a sufferer. He is incredibly emotional, insecure, and unstable. AND I CANNOT and WILL NEVER BE ABLE to change that. I know this. But, I also love him to a fault.
J is the f—in’ one. That angry, hopeless little man is my f—in’ soulmate. So, as much as I want him out-out-out of my house, I also don’t want to see him go.

I need some serious therapy.

If he had a job and were contributing his share (and I maybe had one more extra - sound-proof [cuz he is a loud night owl - room in the house), I may be able to tolerate the living-together thing. But this scenario just - over and over again - makes me think of a check-list term I heard on a TED talk: one of the characteristics identifying a psycho-path -> “parasitic life-style”. http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/jon_ronson_strange_answers_to_the_psychopath_test.html

I’m sure if J heard that, he’d be deeply offended. Especially since he’s trying so hard to give back in other ways.
But – I can’t help it. I can’t help it. I have had too much of this story. The story needs to change; otherwise, I’m giving up on the happy ending and am settling for the rational and unromantically lonely one.

stability, recovery, and relapse

J has had a job now for about 3 months. His internet habits have changed, so I guess, excessive porn/chat-site surfing are symptoms of active use. Bear in mind, he still does visit these sites but before it would be 50 entries in the history, and now it's maybe 10. Yes, I look at the browsing history. Being with a pathological liar turns you into a spy, always searching for the truth. I was married for 12 years before this relationship; I not once looked at that man's phone, browsing history, or email. It just didn't even occur to me. There was one exception, but I'm not going to get into this now just for the sake of record straightening.

For the most part the past few months have been stable and sometimes I can see his care and love shine through, or - at least - he's doing a much better job at faking it, for I am still wondering at times, whether my soul-mate is, in fact, a socio- or psychopath. I just watched this talk on TED  and, according to the speaker's checklist, it looks like I actually know a couple of psychopaths...but J is definitely on the top of the list, if you were to judge from the past 5 years with him. The only thing that keeps up my healthy doubt about this diagnosis is the fact that I knew him before that. I know how he relates to his child, how deeply he loves (if "love" is the right word), or how he can't help but really like the dog I'm fostering, even though he would much rather prefer to be indifferent about this animal.

Before the dog came into the house he went on a big rant about how filthy these creatures are. I just sat there and thought, "wow, and this coming from a guy who didn't do his laundry for a year, can go days without brushing his teeth or changing his underwear, and who - just yesterday - left a counter full of Parmesan cheese out all night, much to the enjoyment of our nocturnal rodent visitors. Never mind the plate of rice left-overs he forgot about the day before, right next to the dirty socks and the empty juice cups under the futon." In other words, hypocrisy could be that man's second name but, sometimes, I feel like he doesn't even notice the double-standards he presents. Seriously.
Anyway, he ended up really liking the dog and I was so happy to see this. It was kinda like the story Bill Burr tells in one of his absolutely hilarious stand-up comedy gigs.

Anyway, ... now I spent all this time writing without mentioning at all what I actually wanted to talk about: The fact that J still slips up (or rather, decides to use - smoke/drink/etc.) every week or so. Sometimes it's worse, sometimes it's not so bad - usually he makes it to work the next day (if it happens to be a week-day) but accompanied by these relapses are still angry words, lies, a mess from his middle-of-the-night feedings (if he is at my place), and actions he completely forgets about by the next day (e.g. calling his ex-wife in an angry outburst at 3 a.m., or keeping me up half the night with his whining about how everybody hates him, or chatting up other chicks on wireclub.)

I am not quite sure how I should react to these relapses. In Austria, I have several friends who get intoxicated weekly or regularly, and nobody tries to label them with such a worrisome title as the word "addict". But, I guess, when it's your own partner, you just don't want to tolerate it.
I don't want this kind of behavior in my life. I know, I'm not supposed to "shame the addict". It doesn't help. But, I don't want a drunk person near me! ... and J is no better high. He is annoying in every state of intoxication, for he becomes so dumb and so cantankerous, when he is usually sharp as a whip and relatively wise and careful, when discussions get a bit more heated.

I don't know what to do. I love his company when he's sober. I like his weekend visits. But, I cannot stand the times when he steps away to inebriate himself. It could be happy times. It doesn't matter. When he hears the sirens calling, he will run. :(
Sometimes, I can even feel it. I feel when it is about to happen or when it is happening (if we are already apart). And, yet, I remain so powerless. So powerless.

I want him to be o.k.. I want him to tie himself to the stupid mast! I want him to stop already. But, I know, recovery doesn't happen from one day to the other. My expectations are too high, even though, I constantly try to remind myself to keep them low and realistic. Little baby steps. Little victories. Recognize them. Cherish them. Look ahead. This change is a journey with no set path.

And regardless of my wiser self's soliloquies, I find myself frustrated, sad, exhausted, and at a loss.