in denial

http://www.searchquotes.com/viewimage/Love_Makes_You_Hold_On_To_Things_You_Shouldn%27t/533/

I don’t want to be at work anymore. I am completely over-loaded so even if it is quiet and people have nothing to do I am swamped. Besides the overwhelming quantity of the labor, it is also the quality of the tasks that’s frustrating. I feel like all creativity has just been sucked out of me. Yesterday, I sat in the parking lot crying about the fact that I have to go into this stupid, windowless, over-A/C-ed building … well, I was also talking to J about it…so, I guess, it made me feel even more upset (i.e. thinking about it instead of just succumbing to the rut).

Anyway…speaking of whom…

So J is now at the house….still. He’s been working on my friend's website, who btw. has sent over 40 emails in the past few days regarding additional web edits. I SO DON”T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. And, to top it all off…she is paying practically nothing… I’ve been rejecting people for months (asking for webhelp) because I don’t have the time…I feel hijacked….anyway…that’s not what I wanted to talk about…She is a lovely, lovely lady and I'm glad to help...but I just don't understand how she managed to book me up like this. ;)

So… again … J is at the house and all morning I was thinking about the letter I was going to write him. How he is in denial, how his porn preferences are worrisome, etc... 

But then... there he is…telling me to keep the money for the work he's done on the site….and telling me to send him all the webwork for P’s construction company site (even though, that deal entails only me getting work done in my apt.)….he just wants to help me….”I’ve done so much for him…” …. I reckon, he just doesn’t want to be kicked out.

In addition, he’s also been a much better roomie than he used to be. I mean…he’s still messy with his own stuff but he’s been doing lots of dishes, he takes out the garbage, he helped putting up a/cs, carry stuff, fold laundry,… he’s just been a much more considerate…and also tries to pay attention to the children...and that, they love, of course.

He wants to pretend nothing happened. Just like he wants to pretend he has no problem with alcohol or drugs.

He wants to continue to live in these soap bubbles…fugaciously being carried along, enjoying the ride until the bubble bursts and he falls, only to get back up and jump into the next bubble as if nothing happened.

And I? I want to ride right along with him. I want to pretend his reality isn’t as harsh as it is….I want to ignore all his troubles and just enjoy the good times. Never mind that he has an addiction problem, no home, no money, no job, no real or good friends or support networks, a warrant out for him, court dates pending, a giant tuition debt that keeps him from receiving his degree, and the list goes on.

relapsing when it's least expected

A lot has happened since my last entry. Last Sunday – J sent text urging me to see him (if I didn’t he was just going to come up to my place). I had a photo shoot that got canceled so I decided I’ll go meet him before he “goes away” as he said. I wasn’t sure what that meant but either way, I thought, I’ll meet him since we then may not see each other for a while.

Turns out, he was scheduled to go into a mandadated, lock-down rehab program somewhere downtown on Monday. I don’t know if it really was because of the public assistance case (when in shelter system, must open public assistance case, and if addiction issues, must go into program. …honestly, that kinda makes no sense since the shelters are just huge big drug houses. His mother’s version – that it was mandated by the court for some other cr*p he did sounds much more plausible…but, I guess, much less pitiable.)

Anyway, …we spent a lovely afternoon in Central Park. It reminded of how much I enjoyed his company. We walked a lot, lay in the grass, basked in the sun, talked, joked, ..it was really nice.

As I told him it was time for me to go pick up the girls from their dad, he announced that he’ll just break night and go to the program in the morning, although, he said, he’d be leaving anyway for his graduation on the 16th and then when his daughter comes in June or July.

And because I was in such a cool, calm, and happy place (and we’ve had pretty stable convo for a while) I invited him to stay with me until his graduation. I don’t know what I was thinking….I have kids in the house! Taking in a recovering addict (or, ‘recovering’…I don’t even think….more like wanna-be recovering).

But, I had already said it…and I felt bad taking it back…so I just let it be, hid all the money lying around the house and hoped for the best.

And it was really nice having him. He was good to the kids. They were (and are) really excited that he’s here. He’s sleeping on the futon and I was planning to keep everything platonic which worked well until I got weak yesterday afternoon. Stupid me…cuz keeping the sex out of the equation (which breeds relationship-type behavior) would have been a much wiser course of action. I had been so proud of myself up until that point. It’s not like he wasn’t trying.

So – even though, I knew it may not be a good idea (or the harmony won’t stay) and it may get me more involved….I decided to “live in the moment”. And I knew that it wasn’t going to last…this complete and utter perfection of togetherness but I didn’t think it would be _this_ short-lived.

Another thing I am completely aware of (and which still doesn’t seem to change anything) is the fact that J is most definitely a sociopath (in my humble non-expert opinion, anyway). A very high-functioning sociopath maybe, but nonetheless, a creature with exceptional manipulation skills and no sense of empathy whatsoever.

He really, truly is amazing with his act (some of it, I’m not even sure if it’s an act or an automated self-defense mechanism).

But, all in all, I just feel really sad. He’s impossible to be with. He is so unstable that his situation or behavior or seemingly fixated plans may change within a 2-hour time span.

Anyway…so today we spent a wonderful morning at his Class Day (graduation ceremony for his School at Columbia University – reading of the names, speeches, reception, etc.). His sister came with her kids and we just all had a really nice time. Then he went downtown to meet his prospective roommate (a friend of a friend) and I went to dance class and to the store after.

I was putting away groceries when he returned and I could tell immediately that he was not sober. He tried to blame it on being really tired and having had too much champagne at the reception which was kicking in now in combination with the exhaustion…but, I have been with him long enough to know when he is high or drunk or something. Besides the fact that I could smell the pungent odor of alcohol, different than the little bit of champagne smell from earlier in the day, he also kept moving his jaw in a weird way which I noticed him doing when he was severely intoxicated that night he came to my door for the first time in almost 6 months. That’s what he did this afternoon. In fact, I’m going to google it right now.

Ugh..I’m tired.

Anyway…so here we are again. I cannot believe it. This is why I must stop wishing for him to come back to me. For he will come, but he will be who he is and that’s that. Soul-mate or not.

Oh, but how nice it was to have this little bit of time with him…