life has been wild

wow - i haven't written in a while. i've been meaning to but then i think about all the catching up i would need to do to fill in the gap between now and the last post and i skip it.

so, let's try the catching up via a quick timeline (it's really just a relationship update):

March 2010 - J gets into a fight at his recovery program (a religiously extreme but otherwise very helpful christian mission) and shows up at my door in search for shelter. i take him in.

June-July 2010 - J starts working, is overly stressed, begins to lead a double-life again, hides his first paychecks and spends it all on coke. i find out and kick him out of the house.

August 2010 - weeks of waking up crying (depressed about lost love/soul-mate), mom comes to visit, i finally begin to heal, 2 dates with unsuitable men, then reconnect (via email) with J who is now living in a shelter and is back at columbia university (-- what a combination).

September 2010 - i take J back in after weeks of hearing one awful shelter story after the other. rivaling gangs, violence, drug use everywhere, corruption, jaded administration, etc. etc.

October 2010 - J's first relapse. this time i am prepared (have been expecting it) and don't catastrophize. i allow him to come home. my car needs an 1800$ repair and he barely makes it to his mid-terms but he seems to realize that he can count on me.

November 2010 - J's second relapse. this time not alcohol but coke. i feel like i need to make him leave, for it is the first time that my kids have experienced him on drugs - (frantic, incoherent, awful, ...). i feel sorry for him. me and my children will be just fine but his life is at a turning point. after i have called the ambulance (and he is taken away) i take the opportunity to teach my girls about the dangers of drugs and what it does to a person's brain.

December 2010 - no relapses, despite anxious expectations. seems like J is getting the hang of things. he finishes his semester with excellence. he helps reliably in the household. he goes to therapy twice a week. he tries to show the children care and attention. they seem very happy. he tries to listen to me but it's difficult for him to just be normal, as much as he wants to be. it will take a while to build trust, i understand.

January 2010 - i still feel like we should not be living together which, i think, scares him. i am torn between wanting him to be o.k., trying to keep his life stable for the last semester of his studies, but there are lots of issues. we argue often. however, it's also getting better.

-- so as i mentioned, it's been getting better. slowly but steadily.
yesterday, however, he did not come home again. ... i was sure he had relapsed. i was furious he didn't call or leave a note that he was going out (and where). it was a restless night. the good news is that he didn't end up on the street, completely messed up, having brawled, in the hospital, or arrested. he just seemed to have spent the night at his friend C's house.

even though, this is relatively good news, it is still totally uncool that he would not even let me know he's going out or call me when he's staying out. i am pissed, pissed, pissed and i am not sure how i should deal with this. i would like to tell him that this is absolutely unacceptable, give him ultimatums or ask him to leave but the truth is none of these things will make a difference. these are the behaviors i signed up for when i took him back into my house in the fall. i KNOW what kind of man he is and i KNOW that he is a recovering addict. it is unrealistic to think everything will be just fine. he has got huge issues and it is going to take a LONG time for him to adjust to normal life and adhere to the unwritten rules of relationships (like, you just don't leave without saying anything and then stay out all night -- what am i supposed to think?! -- he thinks everything is different now and he is being good, blah-blah, but he seems to forget that i have three years of experiences with him that would lead me to truly unnerving thoughts about what he might be up to. he yearns for trust but trust will need to be rebuilt and it will undoubtedly take a long time.)

-- anyway, here is what i am going to do today (beside fiddle around with my photography website): find a nar anon meeting. support group for family members of addicts.