although, it appears as if a new title would now be referring to a thing of the past anyway. J just blew his last chance. i am not sure why he had this many chances to begin with (it's been 3 1/2 years now).
sometimes i would think to myself "you know, sisi, stop trying to be super-human. you are not freaggin' jesus, dammit! stop forgiving _everything_!"
i feel unsure about what happened. was this relationship real or was he just taking advantage of the fact that i love him the way i do? was he taking advantage of my general nature, which is really just a reflection of my upbringing - the patience, tolerance, forgiveness, and generosity my father has taught me? {how's that for a convoluted sentence?!}
the day before yesterday he relapsed _again_. it's been less than 2 weeks since his last fall (when he ended up at his friend's house. ... the reason he never called is because he was already completely drunk by the time he left the house.) - anyway, he stayed out all night and came back home too early (i.e. still slightly under the influence) - the kids were still here and this was now the second time they had to experience me telling him to leave the house. it wasn't really a very big altercation but my older one (ava - 8 yrs) is so incredibly sensitive that she immediately sensed the seriousness of the situation and began to cry. my younger one (6) didn't really much react but she's definitely the more stoic one of the two.
anyway - he left (yelling). ava was terrified. even though i had taken his keys away, she was not convinced that she was safe :( - she tends to worry too much - about _everything_ but it kills me that this is something she had to add to her list of worries.
my patience my be endless but when he involved my kids he had only one chance to make it up. this was strike two. i had no choice. my responsibilities and duties as a mother go above my desire to help this poor man. and poor he is. i have come to the conclusion ... that there is no helping him. he is far from true recovery. unless he gets on medication to prevent these downward spins and joins regular AA meetings, he'll be constantly slipping.
i feel really bad for him. i think, he is still in denial (as have i been). is convinced he doesn't need sappy meetings or medication, for he isn't ill.
i noticed a change in behaviors but couldn't identify them as cues until after the fact. he is usually quite reliable with the household tasks he has assigned to himself (dishes, laundry, upkeep of his own corner) but laundry day was skipped for 2 weeks, on his side of the bed a pile of of clothes grew every day, dishes were overflowing in the sink, and the day before his relapse i could have sworn he medicated himself (something pacifying) but wasn't quite sure since he spoke very soberly - but he was unusually calm, which is what made me suspicious.
another thing standing between him and true recovery, i believe, is the need for acceptance of a lower-level job or life style. he may have the education and the brains to be at the top but he doesn't have the mental stability. this, inevitably, means that he would be best off to work a low stress/low skill kind of job. unfortunately, this to him seems like a life not worth living. he really doesn't have his values in the right places (or what i consider the right places -- i.e. most important {besides health, of course] is happiness and fulfillment, your family, your friends, enough free time to balance out your work life with other passions ...everything else is peripheral: money, for example.)
i went to church that day. the day he relapsed...before i knew he relapsed.
i'm not christian (in fact, i was raised muslim, although am now kinda just floating around as a non-affiliated god believer) but when i am in need of a house of god i don't care if it's a church, a synagogue, or a mosque. i happen to prefer churches, because they are usually empty in the middle of the day -- so i really have the whole space to myself. me and god - one-on-one, so to say, although, i don't need a house of god to have such conversations, of course. however, i must say i have felt an overwhelming presence and moment of spirituality when i do take my prayers into a house of god (usually a church). this was no different that day. i almost always break out in tears. i don't know why. the moment i start praying in church i start crying. and in this state of prayer and crying is when i suddenly feel as if i am being surrounded (touched) and connected with. calmed.
i usually start with lots of thanks (for all the privileges of my life - job, home, food, healthy, lovely, smart children, my own relative health, etc.), then i cry about the suffering of others all around this world and i pray for moments of happiness and relief for these less fortunate people. then i pray for my friends, or anyone i know who is going through hard times. last but not least, i ask to be guided to make all the right decisions and to always follow the right path.
i think, God has had enough of me asking what the right thing should be to do with J.
not only has he taken him out of my life in a way that gave me no choice but to make him leave (i.e. my kids became involved) but he also seemed to have taken away some of my emotional involvement, for i have been in a completely different mental state than the last time we split up (in the summer -- which had me crying every day for weeks). it hurts, it's difficult, it's sad but it doesn't affect me nearly as much as it did the last time.
that same day - after stopping by at church - i also decided to fit in a museum hour before becoming incapacitated by surgery next week. as i was walking through the halls of art work i stopped dead in my tracks. on the wall hung a painting of a russian writer sitting at a desk and - i couldn't believe it - but he looked almost exactly like J. the expression in his face was as if i was looking at J (at his most troubled times). when i read the biographical plaque next to the painting i had to step away and re-examine my speculations about reincarnation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vsevolod_Mikhailovich_Garshin
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