(two days after my abdominal myomectomy – removal of 7cm fibroid tumor from uterus via C-section.)
I feel as if J has been cut away with the scalpel that was used to cut out the necrotizing fibroid which had been growing to a grotesque size inside of my uterus.
Somehow I feel as if God has had his hand in this…which would, of course, contradict all my previous blabber about how this union must be God’s wish. Or maybe not. What do I know? ….but I am wondering – if this was my place in the universe – for this particular amount of time – at J’s side…walking him through thick and thin….then what was the purpose of it all if he is now where he was before?
He’s clearly, besides a seemingly incorrigible addict, mentally ill…. Or maybe he is “just” a sociopath and I fell for it. Either way – what kind of person abandons their partner days before such major surgery? A partner they claim to love. A partner that has supported them for years.
He didn't even check in to see how it went or pay me one stinking visit in the hospital… “Total abandonment” I keep repeating to myself in disbelief as I move through the days.
I have moments at which everything seems clear. God needed to slap me upside down the head to get me to let go of this one. Every other strategy to make me give up this “project” seemed fruitless. It was almost as if I was on some sort of mission (being there for J as he got back on his feet): Tenacious, forgiving, determined, and patient.
But, this …. this is unforgivable. Even in my book of endless forgiveness.
I was completely alone when I went into the hospital. I was nervous … afraid (after just having signed a health proxy that talks about “in case of death…”). All I wanted was my bf to hold my hand as I was listening to the surgical team explain the procedure. Someone to hold my hand when I woke up in the recovery room. Someone to be there and/or visit me in this depressing hospital without any sense of bedside care. I rarely ever have moments like this in my life. Where I want someone to just hold my hand or be there. Rarely. …. And he wasn’t there. Not a word from him – still. {It was D [my ex-husband], btw., who showed up and called to check on me, and ultimately drove me home. I know D loves me but he is not my mate and this shouldn’t have been his place. But…looks like he’s the closest thing to family I have in this city}.
I am not angry at J, or resentful. It's not like I didn't know what kind of person I was with. I knew he was a broken individual but, I guess, one doesn't really want to accept reality until it hits them in the face - unmistakeably.
And so, .... I have drawn the line. Sober. Realistic. – One MUST NOT be with a partner that abandons one in such dire need. Especially after said partner has been there for the former in exactly such times – for years! …. 3 ½ YEARS I have been there for him – the worst years of his life, I dare say. When everyone , including his mother, turned their backs on him.
But, J is sick. Otherwise….how could this be possible? He is probably high out of his mind somewhere. The last relapse – the one that got him kicked out last week (for it again - for the 2nd time now - exposed my children to his drug habit) – was not only with alcohol but also with heroin. (!)
I do hope, however, that he will rebuild himself against all odds. Maybe he can use that genius-brain of his for the greater good of mankind, if he can’t really apply it in interpersonal care and sympathy.
Unfortunately, I don’t think this will be possible unless he finally understands that he needs medication. No man in their right mind would have collapsed in the advent of such a regular life-hardship ('surgery/temporary medical needs of one’s partner'). He completely freaked out about the expectations that lay ahead of him. Maybe it was his new job, too. I don’t know. Either way, the man/boy needs professional help.
Another reason I believe God has intervened is because I feel has if I have been cured of the love I had for J. Or maybe that is just the result in the face of what he has done to me (abandoned me when I really needed him). I don’t know. But, I have never felt like this before (and we've had - ooh, big surprise - plenty of break-ups): Detached. … Sad, yes. Depressed about the situation itself (being left alone while in the hospital and now at home), yes. But, no yearning. No heart-break.
He is ill. And I am sad I couldn’t save him. … Or he couldn’t save himself with my help.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
i should rename my blog
... my blog should be called "Living with an Addict" not "Epictetus-wannabe" (Epictetus), since i am not really producing anything of 'wisdomly' value here.
although, it appears as if a new title would now be referring to a thing of the past anyway. J just blew his last chance. i am not sure why he had this many chances to begin with (it's been 3 1/2 years now).
sometimes i would think to myself "you know, sisi, stop trying to be super-human. you are not freaggin' jesus, dammit! stop forgiving _everything_!"
i feel unsure about what happened. was this relationship real or was he just taking advantage of the fact that i love him the way i do? was he taking advantage of my general nature, which is really just a reflection of my upbringing - the patience, tolerance, forgiveness, and generosity my father has taught me? {how's that for a convoluted sentence?!}
the day before yesterday he relapsed _again_. it's been less than 2 weeks since his last fall (when he ended up at his friend's house. ... the reason he never called is because he was already completely drunk by the time he left the house.) - anyway, he stayed out all night and came back home too early (i.e. still slightly under the influence) - the kids were still here and this was now the second time they had to experience me telling him to leave the house. it wasn't really a very big altercation but my older one (ava - 8 yrs) is so incredibly sensitive that she immediately sensed the seriousness of the situation and began to cry. my younger one (6) didn't really much react but she's definitely the more stoic one of the two.
anyway - he left (yelling). ava was terrified. even though i had taken his keys away, she was not convinced that she was safe :( - she tends to worry too much - about _everything_ but it kills me that this is something she had to add to her list of worries.
my patience my be endless but when he involved my kids he had only one chance to make it up. this was strike two. i had no choice. my responsibilities and duties as a mother go above my desire to help this poor man. and poor he is. i have come to the conclusion ... that there is no helping him. he is far from true recovery. unless he gets on medication to prevent these downward spins and joins regular AA meetings, he'll be constantly slipping.
i feel really bad for him. i think, he is still in denial (as have i been). is convinced he doesn't need sappy meetings or medication, for he isn't ill.
i noticed a change in behaviors but couldn't identify them as cues until after the fact. he is usually quite reliable with the household tasks he has assigned to himself (dishes, laundry, upkeep of his own corner) but laundry day was skipped for 2 weeks, on his side of the bed a pile of of clothes grew every day, dishes were overflowing in the sink, and the day before his relapse i could have sworn he medicated himself (something pacifying) but wasn't quite sure since he spoke very soberly - but he was unusually calm, which is what made me suspicious.
another thing standing between him and true recovery, i believe, is the need for acceptance of a lower-level job or life style. he may have the education and the brains to be at the top but he doesn't have the mental stability. this, inevitably, means that he would be best off to work a low stress/low skill kind of job. unfortunately, this to him seems like a life not worth living. he really doesn't have his values in the right places (or what i consider the right places -- i.e. most important {besides health, of course] is happiness and fulfillment, your family, your friends, enough free time to balance out your work life with other passions ...everything else is peripheral: money, for example.)
i went to church that day. the day he relapsed...before i knew he relapsed.
i'm not christian (in fact, i was raised muslim, although am now kinda just floating around as a non-affiliated god believer) but when i am in need of a house of god i don't care if it's a church, a synagogue, or a mosque. i happen to prefer churches, because they are usually empty in the middle of the day -- so i really have the whole space to myself. me and god - one-on-one, so to say, although, i don't need a house of god to have such conversations, of course. however, i must say i have felt an overwhelming presence and moment of spirituality when i do take my prayers into a house of god (usually a church). this was no different that day. i almost always break out in tears. i don't know why. the moment i start praying in church i start crying. and in this state of prayer and crying is when i suddenly feel as if i am being surrounded (touched) and connected with. calmed.
i usually start with lots of thanks (for all the privileges of my life - job, home, food, healthy, lovely, smart children, my own relative health, etc.), then i cry about the suffering of others all around this world and i pray for moments of happiness and relief for these less fortunate people. then i pray for my friends, or anyone i know who is going through hard times. last but not least, i ask to be guided to make all the right decisions and to always follow the right path.
i think, God has had enough of me asking what the right thing should be to do with J.
not only has he taken him out of my life in a way that gave me no choice but to make him leave (i.e. my kids became involved) but he also seemed to have taken away some of my emotional involvement, for i have been in a completely different mental state than the last time we split up (in the summer -- which had me crying every day for weeks). it hurts, it's difficult, it's sad but it doesn't affect me nearly as much as it did the last time.
that same day - after stopping by at church - i also decided to fit in a museum hour before becoming incapacitated by surgery next week. as i was walking through the halls of art work i stopped dead in my tracks. on the wall hung a painting of a russian writer sitting at a desk and - i couldn't believe it - but he looked almost exactly like J. the expression in his face was as if i was looking at J (at his most troubled times). when i read the biographical plaque next to the painting i had to step away and re-examine my speculations about reincarnation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vsevolod_Mikhailovich_Garshin
although, it appears as if a new title would now be referring to a thing of the past anyway. J just blew his last chance. i am not sure why he had this many chances to begin with (it's been 3 1/2 years now).
sometimes i would think to myself "you know, sisi, stop trying to be super-human. you are not freaggin' jesus, dammit! stop forgiving _everything_!"
i feel unsure about what happened. was this relationship real or was he just taking advantage of the fact that i love him the way i do? was he taking advantage of my general nature, which is really just a reflection of my upbringing - the patience, tolerance, forgiveness, and generosity my father has taught me? {how's that for a convoluted sentence?!}
the day before yesterday he relapsed _again_. it's been less than 2 weeks since his last fall (when he ended up at his friend's house. ... the reason he never called is because he was already completely drunk by the time he left the house.) - anyway, he stayed out all night and came back home too early (i.e. still slightly under the influence) - the kids were still here and this was now the second time they had to experience me telling him to leave the house. it wasn't really a very big altercation but my older one (ava - 8 yrs) is so incredibly sensitive that she immediately sensed the seriousness of the situation and began to cry. my younger one (6) didn't really much react but she's definitely the more stoic one of the two.
anyway - he left (yelling). ava was terrified. even though i had taken his keys away, she was not convinced that she was safe :( - she tends to worry too much - about _everything_ but it kills me that this is something she had to add to her list of worries.
my patience my be endless but when he involved my kids he had only one chance to make it up. this was strike two. i had no choice. my responsibilities and duties as a mother go above my desire to help this poor man. and poor he is. i have come to the conclusion ... that there is no helping him. he is far from true recovery. unless he gets on medication to prevent these downward spins and joins regular AA meetings, he'll be constantly slipping.
i feel really bad for him. i think, he is still in denial (as have i been). is convinced he doesn't need sappy meetings or medication, for he isn't ill.
i noticed a change in behaviors but couldn't identify them as cues until after the fact. he is usually quite reliable with the household tasks he has assigned to himself (dishes, laundry, upkeep of his own corner) but laundry day was skipped for 2 weeks, on his side of the bed a pile of of clothes grew every day, dishes were overflowing in the sink, and the day before his relapse i could have sworn he medicated himself (something pacifying) but wasn't quite sure since he spoke very soberly - but he was unusually calm, which is what made me suspicious.
another thing standing between him and true recovery, i believe, is the need for acceptance of a lower-level job or life style. he may have the education and the brains to be at the top but he doesn't have the mental stability. this, inevitably, means that he would be best off to work a low stress/low skill kind of job. unfortunately, this to him seems like a life not worth living. he really doesn't have his values in the right places (or what i consider the right places -- i.e. most important {besides health, of course] is happiness and fulfillment, your family, your friends, enough free time to balance out your work life with other passions ...everything else is peripheral: money, for example.)
i went to church that day. the day he relapsed...before i knew he relapsed.
i'm not christian (in fact, i was raised muslim, although am now kinda just floating around as a non-affiliated god believer) but when i am in need of a house of god i don't care if it's a church, a synagogue, or a mosque. i happen to prefer churches, because they are usually empty in the middle of the day -- so i really have the whole space to myself. me and god - one-on-one, so to say, although, i don't need a house of god to have such conversations, of course. however, i must say i have felt an overwhelming presence and moment of spirituality when i do take my prayers into a house of god (usually a church). this was no different that day. i almost always break out in tears. i don't know why. the moment i start praying in church i start crying. and in this state of prayer and crying is when i suddenly feel as if i am being surrounded (touched) and connected with. calmed.
i usually start with lots of thanks (for all the privileges of my life - job, home, food, healthy, lovely, smart children, my own relative health, etc.), then i cry about the suffering of others all around this world and i pray for moments of happiness and relief for these less fortunate people. then i pray for my friends, or anyone i know who is going through hard times. last but not least, i ask to be guided to make all the right decisions and to always follow the right path.
i think, God has had enough of me asking what the right thing should be to do with J.
not only has he taken him out of my life in a way that gave me no choice but to make him leave (i.e. my kids became involved) but he also seemed to have taken away some of my emotional involvement, for i have been in a completely different mental state than the last time we split up (in the summer -- which had me crying every day for weeks). it hurts, it's difficult, it's sad but it doesn't affect me nearly as much as it did the last time.
that same day - after stopping by at church - i also decided to fit in a museum hour before becoming incapacitated by surgery next week. as i was walking through the halls of art work i stopped dead in my tracks. on the wall hung a painting of a russian writer sitting at a desk and - i couldn't believe it - but he looked almost exactly like J. the expression in his face was as if i was looking at J (at his most troubled times). when i read the biographical plaque next to the painting i had to step away and re-examine my speculations about reincarnation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vsevolod_Mikhailovich_Garshin
Sunday, January 9, 2011
life has been wild
wow - i haven't written in a while. i've been meaning to but then i think about all the catching up i would need to do to fill in the gap between now and the last post and i skip it.
so, let's try the catching up via a quick timeline (it's really just a relationship update):
March 2010 - J gets into a fight at his recovery program (a religiously extreme but otherwise very helpful christian mission) and shows up at my door in search for shelter. i take him in.
June-July 2010 - J starts working, is overly stressed, begins to lead a double-life again, hides his first paychecks and spends it all on coke. i find out and kick him out of the house.
August 2010 - weeks of waking up crying (depressed about lost love/soul-mate), mom comes to visit, i finally begin to heal, 2 dates with unsuitable men, then reconnect (via email) with J who is now living in a shelter and is back at columbia university (-- what a combination).
September 2010 - i take J back in after weeks of hearing one awful shelter story after the other. rivaling gangs, violence, drug use everywhere, corruption, jaded administration, etc. etc.
October 2010 - J's first relapse. this time i am prepared (have been expecting it) and don't catastrophize. i allow him to come home. my car needs an 1800$ repair and he barely makes it to his mid-terms but he seems to realize that he can count on me.
November 2010 - J's second relapse. this time not alcohol but coke. i feel like i need to make him leave, for it is the first time that my kids have experienced him on drugs - (frantic, incoherent, awful, ...). i feel sorry for him. me and my children will be just fine but his life is at a turning point. after i have called the ambulance (and he is taken away) i take the opportunity to teach my girls about the dangers of drugs and what it does to a person's brain.
December 2010 - no relapses, despite anxious expectations. seems like J is getting the hang of things. he finishes his semester with excellence. he helps reliably in the household. he goes to therapy twice a week. he tries to show the children care and attention. they seem very happy. he tries to listen to me but it's difficult for him to just be normal, as much as he wants to be. it will take a while to build trust, i understand.
January 2010 - i still feel like we should not be living together which, i think, scares him. i am torn between wanting him to be o.k., trying to keep his life stable for the last semester of his studies, but there are lots of issues. we argue often. however, it's also getting better.
-- so as i mentioned, it's been getting better. slowly but steadily.
yesterday, however, he did not come home again. ... i was sure he had relapsed. i was furious he didn't call or leave a note that he was going out (and where). it was a restless night. the good news is that he didn't end up on the street, completely messed up, having brawled, in the hospital, or arrested. he just seemed to have spent the night at his friend C's house.
even though, this is relatively good news, it is still totally uncool that he would not even let me know he's going out or call me when he's staying out. i am pissed, pissed, pissed and i am not sure how i should deal with this. i would like to tell him that this is absolutely unacceptable, give him ultimatums or ask him to leave but the truth is none of these things will make a difference. these are the behaviors i signed up for when i took him back into my house in the fall. i KNOW what kind of man he is and i KNOW that he is a recovering addict. it is unrealistic to think everything will be just fine. he has got huge issues and it is going to take a LONG time for him to adjust to normal life and adhere to the unwritten rules of relationships (like, you just don't leave without saying anything and then stay out all night -- what am i supposed to think?! -- he thinks everything is different now and he is being good, blah-blah, but he seems to forget that i have three years of experiences with him that would lead me to truly unnerving thoughts about what he might be up to. he yearns for trust but trust will need to be rebuilt and it will undoubtedly take a long time.)
-- anyway, here is what i am going to do today (beside fiddle around with my photography website): find a nar anon meeting. support group for family members of addicts.
so, let's try the catching up via a quick timeline (it's really just a relationship update):
March 2010 - J gets into a fight at his recovery program (a religiously extreme but otherwise very helpful christian mission) and shows up at my door in search for shelter. i take him in.
June-July 2010 - J starts working, is overly stressed, begins to lead a double-life again, hides his first paychecks and spends it all on coke. i find out and kick him out of the house.
August 2010 - weeks of waking up crying (depressed about lost love/soul-mate), mom comes to visit, i finally begin to heal, 2 dates with unsuitable men, then reconnect (via email) with J who is now living in a shelter and is back at columbia university (-- what a combination).
September 2010 - i take J back in after weeks of hearing one awful shelter story after the other. rivaling gangs, violence, drug use everywhere, corruption, jaded administration, etc. etc.
October 2010 - J's first relapse. this time i am prepared (have been expecting it) and don't catastrophize. i allow him to come home. my car needs an 1800$ repair and he barely makes it to his mid-terms but he seems to realize that he can count on me.
November 2010 - J's second relapse. this time not alcohol but coke. i feel like i need to make him leave, for it is the first time that my kids have experienced him on drugs - (frantic, incoherent, awful, ...). i feel sorry for him. me and my children will be just fine but his life is at a turning point. after i have called the ambulance (and he is taken away) i take the opportunity to teach my girls about the dangers of drugs and what it does to a person's brain.
December 2010 - no relapses, despite anxious expectations. seems like J is getting the hang of things. he finishes his semester with excellence. he helps reliably in the household. he goes to therapy twice a week. he tries to show the children care and attention. they seem very happy. he tries to listen to me but it's difficult for him to just be normal, as much as he wants to be. it will take a while to build trust, i understand.
January 2010 - i still feel like we should not be living together which, i think, scares him. i am torn between wanting him to be o.k., trying to keep his life stable for the last semester of his studies, but there are lots of issues. we argue often. however, it's also getting better.
-- so as i mentioned, it's been getting better. slowly but steadily.
yesterday, however, he did not come home again. ... i was sure he had relapsed. i was furious he didn't call or leave a note that he was going out (and where). it was a restless night. the good news is that he didn't end up on the street, completely messed up, having brawled, in the hospital, or arrested. he just seemed to have spent the night at his friend C's house.
even though, this is relatively good news, it is still totally uncool that he would not even let me know he's going out or call me when he's staying out. i am pissed, pissed, pissed and i am not sure how i should deal with this. i would like to tell him that this is absolutely unacceptable, give him ultimatums or ask him to leave but the truth is none of these things will make a difference. these are the behaviors i signed up for when i took him back into my house in the fall. i KNOW what kind of man he is and i KNOW that he is a recovering addict. it is unrealistic to think everything will be just fine. he has got huge issues and it is going to take a LONG time for him to adjust to normal life and adhere to the unwritten rules of relationships (like, you just don't leave without saying anything and then stay out all night -- what am i supposed to think?! -- he thinks everything is different now and he is being good, blah-blah, but he seems to forget that i have three years of experiences with him that would lead me to truly unnerving thoughts about what he might be up to. he yearns for trust but trust will need to be rebuilt and it will undoubtedly take a long time.)
-- anyway, here is what i am going to do today (beside fiddle around with my photography website): find a nar anon meeting. support group for family members of addicts.
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