In & Out of the Hospital

The last week J spent in the psych ward of a hospital, within which he was just switched from one anti-psychotic to another. I think, he's right. When he has insurance, the hospitals are eager to keep him. When he doesn't, they label the episode alcohol- or drug-induced and release him the next day.

Here an interesting read a friend forwarded the other day:
http://www.nybooks.com/articles/archives/2011/jun/23/epidemic-mental-illness-why/

Anyway, J finally left the place on Friday and came straight to me. We spent a beautiful weekend together (movies, arts/studio stroll in the neighborhood, just hanging out...) and today he gets to see his daughter before she returns home to AZ with her mother.

It's easy to pretend nothing is wrong when he and I spend time together....but I know better. He still doesn't have a job (I don't know how he is going to hold down the next one if he continues to relapse this way), his place of living is insecure, his cellphone is constantly at the brink of disconnection, he hasn't done laundry in months (he kinda gets by with the very few items I continue to wash for him every week), I can only imagine the state of his room... He's just not well when he's left alone. :/

At least, he is now on medication....but this worries me, too. What do the doctors know about him and his history? Nothing. He's on different types of meds every time he is admitted to the hospital. They just don't seem to know what they're doing. One time it's a mood stabilizer, then it's an impulse control medication, then an anti-depressant, and once in a while it's an anti-psychotic. Besides the fact that this cannot be good for his body (or brain), how can these people be so casual about prescribing such heavy-duty medication?

One of the doctors at the hospital he just spent time at called me to ask me for some insight and background information. When I tried to give her the details, the connections I've made, the bigger picture... - she couldn't seem more uninterested. She seemed rushed and superficial. It was upsetting that this person, who really appeared to not care very much, was going to be the one to make such significant decisions as prescribing brain-chemistry-altering medication!

Anyway, J is planning to return to the hospital once his daughter leaves. This is the first time he is planning such a thing in advance. He must not be feeling well...

Subconscious Motivations of the Bipolar Mind?

So, J called me this evening. We had broken up on Monday after what appeared to be the beginning of a bipolar episode. In an attempt not to expose myself to any recovered and reconicilation-laden sweet talk I have his number sent straight to voicemail. Unfortunately, I still get a vm notification and then, of course, I must listen to it. His message was so sad (asking me to please talk to him as I seem to be his only friend) that I called him back to offer an open ear.

He sounded not well (psychologically). He was confused, frantic. He didn't know what was happening. He didn't remember anything from Monday night (which was a pretty traumatic night). He sounded devastated. Then he told me that he's feeling like the last time he had a real episode - (3 years ago or so). The lights looked different. Things didn't make sense. People seemed to be telling him awful stories about me, triggering feelings of paranoia, never mind the sense of betrayal. He said he was going to go to the hospital.

Now, I need to think about how I should handle the follow-up to this story.

He had had a complete mental collapse on Monday, incessantly calling me at about 3 o'clock in the morning. Cursing, accusing me of terrible acts of infidelity, sending me about 60 insulting text messages. At about 5:30 in the morning he must have ended up on his old block and lost his phone, for somebody else thought it was entertaining to continue the trail of insults, sending the most awful things.
Tell ya -- they all need medication over there on that street.

So, what's this entry about? A subconscious motivation for such complete break-downs?

Here is _one_ theory: J feels so completely and utterly unfit for me (as a partner) that he (subconsciously) creates these mental episodes, for in comparison to his behavior during these (relatively brief) phases, his usual state looks pretty peachy (even though that comes with no job, no money, no secure home, and a slight addiction problem which hasn't been resolved entirely, yet).

I just don't know if he's going to make it.
I think his mental illness is taking over. :/
Or maybe, that's just how a life with J would be. -  Bipolar.
Happy & perfect when he's well and dramatic & awful when he's not.

breaking and entering .... and breaking

There he was. Tired. Not responding. On my bed. Excreting the pungent smell of alcohol from his every pore. Shoes on his feet still. Exhausted. Wounded from a drunken fight out on the streets. Desperate and lost but finally … home.

I was angry. At first. Then I stood there. Looking at him. Not knowing what to do. Not wanting to make his night even worse by calling the police to have him removed. I felt so sad for him. At the same time frustrated. My home. My window. My bedroom. Nothing safe.

There I stood. Phone clasped in hand, thumb tracing three numbers on the keypad. -- 9.1.1.

This should be a wake-up call, I tell myself. Why do you keep letting him do this kind of stuff? I ask myself. He’s crossed a boundary that he’s already been kicking way too many times.

Yes, this is a wake-up call, I think, but – just like it is typical for me – I’ve been hitting the snooze button about 100 times. Is this the bell that’ll make me get up and move? Is this the one that will finally get me to dare choose “dismiss” instead of “snooze”? --- It’s time to WAKE UP! You may enjoy your little dream, I quietly yell at myself, your illusion of you and him happily ever after….but…it’s time to return to reality ….the sobering, cloudy day without J.

And so – I walk over the shattered glass on the floor - crunching sounds from beneath my shoes – I close the curtains, walk back to the bed, cover him with a blanket to protect him from the cold breeze coming through the broken window, turn off the light, and let him be. - For tonight.

looking for a path to zenhoodness (let's make this a word, can we?)

I wonder if I will one day look back at this and be embarrassed (at/for myself) that I have stayed with a man like J. First of all, it's completely uncharacteristic of me to be with a guy who drinks and then a guy who regularly loses all control (if not with drugs then by excessive drinking). In addition to that comes the fact that he continues to take money from me, rides, the car, …basically I am wearing the pants in this relationship (AGAIN) and I’m tired of it.

I want a freaggin’ man who stands on his own two feet, a man who appreciates the good I have managed to preserve in this dark world (and I am saying this without trying to pat myself on the shoulder – but it looks like lying and cheating has become some sort of norm, so I am definitely not normal anymore.). I want my mate to be generous and kind to me, not constantly thinking awful thoughts and keeping some sort of score (skewed by all kinds of false assumptions).

I am wondering whether I am hanging on to J so desperately because I feel like it can’t get much better than that (as crazy as this sounds, considering the abundance of break-up material he continuously presents me with).
I am afraid that I am clinging on to an illusion of a partner, for I am convinced that what comes beyond this relationship is eternal singlehood (really? not a noun?) and I feel like that’s even more of a waste than trying to make J see what he’s got. – How pathetic is that?

Lately, however, I feel like I am beginning to lose hope. I want him to succeed and be happy. I want us to be together and enjoy each other’s company as we do when things are good (which mostly means: when he’s sober). I really have never experienced such chemistry and inner peace as when I spend time with him. It’s like this is who I’m supposed to be with. I am wondering, though, whether this is sustainable on the long run. I can make it through a lot of tough relationship challenges but the lying and the mistrust from his part is a killer combination…or at least, that’s what it feels like. I am trying to figure out, whether it has to be. Is it possible to distance myself enough for this kind of behavior not to affect me? Some people would call that ‘throwing yourself into denial’ but I would like to refer to it as ‘exploring a state of Zen’.

the coat that caused a relapse

J has relapsed again. Called me about 25 times last night. Drunk. Incoherent. Upset. Then not upset. Hanging up. Calling again. It was a nightmare.

I have a strong suspicion that the reason for his relapse is – once again – mistrust on his part.

A few days ago we had a fight about a coat he had come over with a few weeks ago, left here, and forgot about (or so he claims). I remember him wearing this jacket, not sure why he left it, but I hung it up to give it to him the next time I thought of it.

He happened to have come without a coat this weekend and when we were about to leave for the store I told him to put on the jacket he had left. He acted (?) as if he didn’t know what I was talking about. Then he put the thing on. It was huge on him. Hmm, I thought, maybe a donation coat from his shelter times – so? But he was already raging… That’s NOT my coat!! he exclaimed. …. Then he put it on the couch…and told me to check the pockets. I found receipts, thinking they’re his. Linux, IT, Joseph Campbell books, etc. … He came over, raging, snatched the receipts and pointed to the top which showed a name: Liotta. … I was confused… Who is Liotta? … “Charles Liotta!” he yelled angrily. CL was a friend of his he’d been jealous about. He is actually jealous of everyone but during Charles-times I didn't know that, yet, and was my usual open and friendly self. Anyway, he was making suspicious and hurtful comments for so long that I just stopped talking to the guy to shut J up.

It took me a little while to figure out how Charles’ coat could have ended up here. He had not been to this house for years and I hadn’t spoken to him in over a year.

Anyway, I then put things together – because I actually REMEMBER J coming over with that coat….I just couldn’t remember packing it up (when I went to his mother’s house to get clothes for him), which is certainly how this coat ended up in J’s possession. Charles also used to live at J’s mom’s apartment and left a lot of his stuff in her closets when he moved out.

Now – I am wondering – did J plant that coat to create a scenario which may create an opportunity to interrogate me about a suspicion he may have been walking around with? And if it is -- how awful is that!? …that means he continuously thinks I am cheating on him….even when I am under the impression things are going great.

The question is: is it possible to be with a man that thinks about you this way? It’s so hurtful, so insulting. I’ve been considering whether I should force myself to step out and mess around with someone just to come back and report to him – SO HE CAN SEE that I am not the type to cheat and if for whatever reason I were to step out, he’d be informed at our next encounter (demonstrated by my forced example). But the mere thought of messing around with another man repulses me. …That’s actually kinda sad….and oh-how-ironic….since J is probably thinking all kinds of horrible things of me. ….sigh.

How can I make myself not care about the way he thinks? Why does that even affect me?? It does.
I guess, what people think of me is important to me but what my mate thinks even more so. I want him to see what he has….appreciate what he has…..otherwise, why do I hold myself to such high standards? AND here we are at the core of the issue…. WHAT HE THINKS SHOULD NOT MATTER. I hold myself to high standards and that should be enough. Of course, that's difficult to uphold when your mate can be such f***-up some times.

So now I am wondering: How can he be o.k. with this thought in his head? If he really thinks I am secretly messing around with Charles (ugh, just the thought of such a scenario makes me uncomfortable) then how could we have an honest, good, and clean relationship?

Besides the fact that this hurts me (him thinking this way), how will such a suspicion influence his actions? He’s already doing inappropriate cr*p behind my back. Will such a crazy thought in his head take him to the next level with whatever he is already doing?

The sad part is that I think I know how exactly this thought is most definitely affecting him. Why else the relapse? And to think that he has absolutely no reason to go there. He's always a victim of his bad thoughts.

I am wondering whether it may be best - for him - if I were to remove myself from the equation. It appears that I am a trigger and I will probably remain a potential trigger throughout our life together -- and that WITHOUT even actually doing anything wrong.... His mistrust seems to be enough to send him spiraling down the dark hole.

never say never (may be sung to j. bieber song melody)

I feel weak, easy, like a push-over, in-consequent, used, … I don’t know… all these things and not.

I’ve let J come back into my life as my friend, which was o.k. at the same time as it was surprising to me that I had no ill feelings against him (except, of course, that he abandoned me….which, of course, he didn’t….he just is his own victim and because I am with him I got dragged down, as well, this time – because I _needed_ him.).

I was pretty resolute about my decisions to be friends from now on. I didn’t feel attracted, even (until yesterday, when my whole resolution went down the toilet). J called me a day or two after I was released from the hospital. He was just at the final stages of “kicking” the heroin addiction he had gotten himself into during this last relapse. He confirmed my suspicion that he had spent the days during which I lay in the hospital high out of his mind (feeling close to death), in deep depression, at the shelter (surrounded by dozens of other crack and heroin addicts – the NYC shelter system really _is_ unbelievable).

The moment he was sober again – trying to get up and tear away from all the horrific sh*t he was into – he called me. I spoke to him; I told him how I felt about what he had done; he cried – I assume, feeling guilty…. or maybe they were tears of fear -- that he had f-ed it up so much that I was about to tell him I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. I don’t know.

Anyway, he showed up twice in the past week and at both occasions spent several hours keeping me company – which, I tell you, I truly appreciated since it looks like all my friends have forgotten about me (and the fact that I am locked in this house).

Yesterday – Sunday – was particularly bad. I felt so lonely and so depressed (having been at home alone for two weeks now) that I started crying while watching Mad About You episodes on youTube (--because they have such a nice relationship, and so many friends and family members around them….to be there for every little thing) ;). Later in the afternoon, J chatted me up to share that he was in the same low and lonely mood. Watching too much youTube and eating an entire cheese cake by himself. We talked for a while and I kept pushing that he should introduce himself to his lady roommates (oh – did I mention he got a room in an apartment? Sort of like a dorm room…on full scholarship…from Columbia…he really _is_ freaggin’ lucky. I was very happy for him, when he shared the news. After the Financial Aid team had seen his grades (excellent) and heard his story (homeless, walking to school for 2 hours because of lack of money, etc.), they basically waived all their policies and told him that “he is going to graduate from Columbia and he is not going to do this from a shelter.”

Anyway, so now he lives with 4 female roommates. Great. Why do I care? I don’t know…but I have jealous rage fantasies… Nevertheless, I kept pushing him to hang with them (so at least one of the two of us could change their depressed lonely existence.). – Then I went on a sad walk by myself [my first outing] and when I got back saw that he had been calling. I got back on chat and he announced that he will be coming over to see me. I didn’t object. Sh*t, I was totally depressed….

We then went to the grocery store to refill my fridge [nobody had gone shopping for me except for B at one occasion for a few things], and he helped me refill my gas-tank. When we got back he put all my groceries away and we finally sat down to hang out.

After an hour or so (of music, talking, watching a TED lecture, talking some more) my eyes started closing. I was still feeling under the weather from the surgery (tired all the time) but I was so afraid that he would leave if he caught me sleeping (he had started doing a bit of web-design), that I pretended to read. It’s pathetic. … Really…. I have no one.

When he shut down the computer because he realized I was getting sleepy and he took this as his cue to leave, I told him not to; that I wasn’t tired… that we could watch a movie.

He asked if we could snuggle while watching the movie and because I was still a bit drowsy I didn’t think twice about it and said yes. “I can touch you?” he asked with great surprise. “I didn’t know!” …and he immediately came over to claim a big, tender, long hug, which I just fell into without any demonstration. And – yup – from there on, it kinda was a done deal… I had crossed the point of no return. I had touched him…and worse – smelled him now even closer than when I caught just the slightest hint of his own scent as I brushed by him in the supermarket.

I tell you, this man has a spell on me or something.

I am so disappointed in myself. I should have stayed strong and resisted. … But he was so happy, as well. Soo content to just be close, to touch me, and smell me….

Humans are a mess. We are such animals. Ugh. ….. I feel like I have lost my powers. My stead-fast, rational, and cool powers. One touch by Mr. JW., one moment of closeness, and my knees soften. Not to mention when he finally (after the movie) managed to kiss me – and I gave in. It was like my head was spinning. Unbelievable.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

This is not right. He does not deserve this level of forgiveness. This level of forgiveness is stupidity, isn’t it? Then again...God is all-forgiving so my latter conclusion or assumption cannot be true.

I just feel that he should be having to work harder to get me back. I am too easy. … I was planning on years of abstinence. … Good going, S. – 2 weeks, 3 weeks, what was it?

Also, I don’t know if he is clean (and I mean sexually). And last but not least….I don’t know when he is going to lay the roommate(s). I’m sure it’s on his to-do list and it makes me feel even worse. He denies this, of course. He says he is terrified of women (STD related fears) and that he wants me not his roommates. yea, yea.

Anyway, next to all my doubts about this remains also one undeniable fact: He has called me and visited me and helped me more than my closest friends (excluding Giselle, of course, who has been a true gem. ….other people who have helped are J’s mother, who has picked the girls up from the after-school program a few times. A very few friends have stopped by once during the first week but that was it. And the only one who visited me in the hospital was my ex-husband. Something I truly appreciated, despite the fact that I am about to take him to court (I have to) because he is simply refusing to pay a dime for his children. I just can’t carry the financial burden anymore. It’s been more than 3 years.

Anyway, Shell came over the first day I was out of the hospital to cook soup for me and sleep over. That was nice but that was it for the sick visits. She has no job right now but she will not come visit me…or even call me. MB calls me every couple of days but also hasn’t stopped by to spend any time with the one locked in this darn house for weeks. Forget the fact that I may have needed help (with some house work maybe…vacuuming…couldn’t do it…mopping – forget it….dishes, took a while….cooking, took a while until I could stand that long…. Laundry (kids) help – heavy lifting lots of bending… get me some groceries…offer help, period…. NADA. Nothing. (except for our regular ladies’ hang-out on the weekend….which has nothing to do with taking care of me…the sick/recovering friend.)

It hurts me to speak of my friends this way….but at the same time I am soo angry. I have some lousy friends (or that’s what it feels like at the moment, anyway) ….. and in the light of this…nobody can freaggin’ criticize J (something they all like to do, of course)….cuz at least he has shown up and been there the moment he sobered up. – what are their excuses?

I feel like I am raising my children in the wrong country…. (personally, I still love NYC but I got my character from Austria and the upbringing of my father (who is Arabic),…my kids on the other hand will get at least some of this selfish, dishonest, promiscuous, drug-using city society…no doubt.) …oh God, I hope I am stronger than all the outside influences… (my father did it….why can’t I? …then again…he only succeeded with me….my brother did it all….no boundaries….and drugs, selfishness, promiscuity, and other vices are not restricted to one country….it’s all just perception…except maybe, there is and will be more temptation here…..the likelihood of exposure is going to be greater in a city with millions of people than in a small town in the valleys of Austria.)

the never-ending story comes to an end

(two days after my abdominal myomectomy – removal of 7cm fibroid tumor from uterus via C-section.)

I feel as if J has been cut away with the scalpel that was used to cut out the necrotizing fibroid which had been growing to a grotesque size inside of my uterus.

Somehow I feel as if God has had his hand in this…which would, of course, contradict all my previous blabber about how this union must be God’s wish. Or maybe not. What do I know? ….but I am wondering – if this was my place in the universe – for this particular amount of time – at J’s side…walking him through thick and thin….then what was the purpose of it all if he is now where he was before?

He’s clearly, besides a seemingly incorrigible addict, mentally ill…. Or maybe he is “just” a sociopath and I fell for it. Either way – what kind of person abandons their partner days before such major surgery? A partner they claim to love. A partner that has supported them for years.

He didn't even check in to see how it went or pay me one stinking visit in the hospital… “Total abandonment” I keep repeating to myself in disbelief as I move through the days.

I have moments at which everything seems clear. God needed to slap me upside down the head to get me to let go of this one. Every other strategy to make me give up this “project” seemed fruitless. It was almost as if I was on some sort of mission (being there for J as he got back on his feet): Tenacious, forgiving, determined, and patient.

But, this …. this is unforgivable. Even in my book of endless forgiveness.

I was completely alone when I went into the hospital. I was nervous … afraid (after just having signed a health proxy that talks about “in case of death…”). All I wanted was my bf to hold my hand as I was listening to the surgical team explain the procedure. Someone to hold my hand when I woke up in the recovery room. Someone to be there and/or visit me in this depressing hospital without any sense of bedside care. I rarely ever have moments like this in my life. Where I want someone to just hold my hand or be there. Rarely. …. And he wasn’t there. Not a word from him – still. {It was D [my ex-husband], btw., who showed up and called to check on me, and ultimately drove me home. I know D loves me but he is not my mate and this shouldn’t have been his place. But…looks like he’s the closest thing to family I have in this city}.

I am not angry at J, or resentful. It's not like I didn't know what kind of person I was with. I knew he was a broken individual but, I guess, one doesn't really want to accept reality until it hits them in the face - unmistakeably.
And so, .... I have drawn the line. Sober. Realistic. – One MUST NOT be with a partner that abandons one in such dire need. Especially after said partner has been there for the former in exactly such times – for years! …. 3 ½ YEARS I have been there for him – the worst years of his life, I dare say. When everyone , including his mother, turned their backs on him.

But, J is sick. Otherwise….how could this be possible? He is probably high out of his mind somewhere. The last relapse – the one that got him kicked out last week (for it again - for the 2nd time now - exposed my children to his drug habit) – was not only with alcohol but also with heroin. (!)

I do hope, however, that he will rebuild himself against all odds. Maybe he can use that genius-brain of his for the greater good of mankind, if he can’t really apply it in interpersonal care and sympathy.

Unfortunately, I don’t think this will be possible unless he finally understands that he needs medication. No man in their right mind would have collapsed in the advent of such a regular life-hardship ('surgery/temporary medical needs of one’s partner'). He completely freaked out about the expectations that lay ahead of him. Maybe it was his new job, too. I don’t know. Either way, the man/boy needs professional help.

Another reason I believe God has intervened is because I feel has if I have been cured of the love I had for J. Or maybe that is just the result in the face of what he has done to me (abandoned me when I really needed him). I don’t know. But, I have never felt like this before (and we've had - ooh, big surprise - plenty of break-ups): Detached. … Sad, yes. Depressed about the situation itself (being left alone while in the hospital and now at home), yes. But, no yearning. No heart-break.

He is ill. And I am sad I couldn’t save him. … Or he couldn’t save himself with my help.

i should rename my blog

... my blog should be called "Living with an Addict" not "Epictetus-wannabe" (Epictetus), since i am not really producing anything of 'wisdomly' value here.
although, it appears as if a new title would now be referring to a thing of the past anyway. J just blew his last chance. i am not sure why he had this many chances to begin with (it's been 3 1/2 years now).
sometimes i would think to myself "you know, sisi, stop trying to be super-human. you are not freaggin' jesus, dammit! stop forgiving _everything_!"

i feel unsure about what happened. was this relationship real or was he just taking advantage of the fact that i love him the way i do? was he taking advantage of my general nature, which is really just a reflection of my upbringing - the patience, tolerance, forgiveness, and generosity my father has taught me? {how's that for a convoluted sentence?!}

the day before yesterday he relapsed _again_. it's been less than 2 weeks since his last fall (when he ended up at his friend's house. ... the reason he never called is because he was already completely drunk by the time he left the house.) - anyway, he stayed out all night and came back home too early (i.e. still slightly under the influence) - the kids were still here and this was now the second time they had to experience me telling him to leave the house. it wasn't really a very big altercation but my older one (ava - 8 yrs) is so incredibly sensitive that she immediately sensed the seriousness of the situation and began to cry. my younger one (6) didn't really much react but she's definitely the more stoic one of the two.

anyway - he left (yelling). ava was terrified. even though i had taken his keys away, she was not convinced that she was safe :( - she tends to worry too much - about _everything_ but it kills me that this is something she had to add to her list of worries.

my patience my be endless but when he involved my kids he had only one chance to make it up. this was strike two. i had no choice. my responsibilities and duties as a mother go above my desire to help this poor man. and poor he is. i have come to the conclusion ... that there is no helping him. he is far from true recovery. unless he gets on medication to prevent these downward spins and joins regular AA meetings, he'll be constantly slipping.

i feel really bad for him. i think, he is still in denial (as have i been). is convinced he doesn't need sappy meetings or medication, for he isn't ill.
i noticed a change in behaviors but couldn't identify them as cues until after the fact. he is usually quite reliable with the household tasks he has assigned to himself (dishes, laundry, upkeep of his own corner) but laundry day was skipped for 2 weeks, on his side of the bed a pile of of clothes grew every day, dishes were overflowing in the sink, and the day before his relapse i could have sworn he medicated himself (something pacifying) but wasn't quite sure since he spoke very soberly - but he was unusually calm, which is what made me suspicious.

another thing standing between him and true recovery, i believe, is the need for acceptance of a lower-level job or life style. he may have the education and the brains to be at the top but he doesn't have the mental stability. this, inevitably, means that he would be best off to work a low stress/low skill kind of job. unfortunately, this to him seems like a life not worth living. he really doesn't have his values in the right places (or what i consider the right places -- i.e. most important {besides health, of course] is happiness and fulfillment, your family, your friends, enough free time to balance out your work life with other passions ...everything else is peripheral: money, for example.)

i went to church that day. the day he relapsed...before i knew he relapsed.
i'm not christian (in fact, i was raised muslim, although am now kinda just floating around as a non-affiliated god believer) but when i am in need of a house of god i don't care if it's a church, a synagogue, or a mosque. i happen to prefer churches, because they are usually empty in the middle of the day -- so i really have the whole space to myself. me and god - one-on-one, so to say, although, i don't need a house of god to have such conversations, of course. however, i must say i have felt an overwhelming presence and moment of spirituality when i do take my prayers into a house of god (usually a church). this was no different that day. i almost always break out in tears. i don't know why. the moment i start praying in church i start crying. and in this state of prayer and crying is when i suddenly feel as if i am being surrounded (touched) and connected with. calmed.

i usually start with lots of thanks (for all the privileges of my life - job, home, food, healthy, lovely, smart children, my own relative health, etc.), then i cry about the suffering of others all around this world and i pray for moments of happiness and relief for these less fortunate people. then i pray for my friends, or anyone i know who is going through hard times. last but not least, i ask to be guided to make all the right decisions and to always follow the right path.
i think, God has had enough of me asking what the right thing should be to do with J.

not only has he taken him out of my life in a way that gave me no choice but to make him leave (i.e. my kids became involved) but he also seemed to have taken away some of my emotional involvement, for i have been in a completely different mental state than the last time we split up (in the summer -- which had me crying every day for weeks). it hurts, it's difficult, it's sad but it doesn't affect me nearly as much as it did the last time.

that same day - after stopping by at church - i also decided to fit in a museum hour before becoming incapacitated by surgery next week. as i was walking through the halls of art work i stopped dead in my tracks. on the wall hung a painting of a russian writer sitting at a desk and - i couldn't believe it - but he looked almost exactly like J. the expression in his face was as if i was looking at J (at his most troubled times). when i read the biographical plaque next to the painting i had to step away and re-examine my speculations about reincarnation.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vsevolod_Mikhailovich_Garshin

life has been wild

wow - i haven't written in a while. i've been meaning to but then i think about all the catching up i would need to do to fill in the gap between now and the last post and i skip it.

so, let's try the catching up via a quick timeline (it's really just a relationship update):

March 2010 - J gets into a fight at his recovery program (a religiously extreme but otherwise very helpful christian mission) and shows up at my door in search for shelter. i take him in.

June-July 2010 - J starts working, is overly stressed, begins to lead a double-life again, hides his first paychecks and spends it all on coke. i find out and kick him out of the house.

August 2010 - weeks of waking up crying (depressed about lost love/soul-mate), mom comes to visit, i finally begin to heal, 2 dates with unsuitable men, then reconnect (via email) with J who is now living in a shelter and is back at columbia university (-- what a combination).

September 2010 - i take J back in after weeks of hearing one awful shelter story after the other. rivaling gangs, violence, drug use everywhere, corruption, jaded administration, etc. etc.

October 2010 - J's first relapse. this time i am prepared (have been expecting it) and don't catastrophize. i allow him to come home. my car needs an 1800$ repair and he barely makes it to his mid-terms but he seems to realize that he can count on me.

November 2010 - J's second relapse. this time not alcohol but coke. i feel like i need to make him leave, for it is the first time that my kids have experienced him on drugs - (frantic, incoherent, awful, ...). i feel sorry for him. me and my children will be just fine but his life is at a turning point. after i have called the ambulance (and he is taken away) i take the opportunity to teach my girls about the dangers of drugs and what it does to a person's brain.

December 2010 - no relapses, despite anxious expectations. seems like J is getting the hang of things. he finishes his semester with excellence. he helps reliably in the household. he goes to therapy twice a week. he tries to show the children care and attention. they seem very happy. he tries to listen to me but it's difficult for him to just be normal, as much as he wants to be. it will take a while to build trust, i understand.

January 2010 - i still feel like we should not be living together which, i think, scares him. i am torn between wanting him to be o.k., trying to keep his life stable for the last semester of his studies, but there are lots of issues. we argue often. however, it's also getting better.

-- so as i mentioned, it's been getting better. slowly but steadily.
yesterday, however, he did not come home again. ... i was sure he had relapsed. i was furious he didn't call or leave a note that he was going out (and where). it was a restless night. the good news is that he didn't end up on the street, completely messed up, having brawled, in the hospital, or arrested. he just seemed to have spent the night at his friend C's house.

even though, this is relatively good news, it is still totally uncool that he would not even let me know he's going out or call me when he's staying out. i am pissed, pissed, pissed and i am not sure how i should deal with this. i would like to tell him that this is absolutely unacceptable, give him ultimatums or ask him to leave but the truth is none of these things will make a difference. these are the behaviors i signed up for when i took him back into my house in the fall. i KNOW what kind of man he is and i KNOW that he is a recovering addict. it is unrealistic to think everything will be just fine. he has got huge issues and it is going to take a LONG time for him to adjust to normal life and adhere to the unwritten rules of relationships (like, you just don't leave without saying anything and then stay out all night -- what am i supposed to think?! -- he thinks everything is different now and he is being good, blah-blah, but he seems to forget that i have three years of experiences with him that would lead me to truly unnerving thoughts about what he might be up to. he yearns for trust but trust will need to be rebuilt and it will undoubtedly take a long time.)

-- anyway, here is what i am going to do today (beside fiddle around with my photography website): find a nar anon meeting. support group for family members of addicts.