subtle messages

I hope you never lose anyone close to you.

Even though death is all around us, we have trouble digesting it when it hits close to home. I wonder why that is. Why can we not feel as deeply for others as we feel for ourselves? Mourning is one of these things that makes this fact crystal clear.

Today I tried to tell myself, not to think of him as dead and gone but that we are just separated for a while (until I die). Life is short, they say, so - all I need is a change of perspective and patience.

Lots of patience -- unless I die tomorrow.
Speaking of which, I need to write a letter to my daughters to instruct them on the process of grieving, should I leave this world at a younger age.

***

The signs are less frequent these days and when they come, they are becoming more subtle. It's as if it is understood that I don't need them as desperately as I have needed them in the first six months.

The other day, as sadness suddenly came over me - as it so often does when I realize he is gone, gone - a picture appeared on my screen saver, which I have set to a folder containing images of J. And because I have been almost conditioned to expect a response in moments my sadness overtakes me, I looked at the picture almost defiantly saying out loud:"What is it? What are you trying to tell me?"

I had seen this picture a hundred times but because I was reading the appearance of the image, seemingly so on cue,  as an attempt of communication, I began to examine the photograph more closely.
And then there it was. On the poster behind his smiling face. In the tiniest print - on the middle of an ad poster - one sentence: love your life!

As if to say -- S. ... stop being so sad. You are alive. You are still here. Enjoy it!

Stopping at the store before a trip to Bear Mountain.