in my dreams...

i've been missing J. missing his company, his touch, our intimacy, our laughter, our hang outs. i've put all the bad memories aside and i'm trying to forgive and let it go.

i know that the following are coping mechanisms but i am deeply spiritual, so whatever they are they are part of intelligent design and i am so grateful for it.

so, now that i've accepted the fact that we cannot be together, however, still suffer from the loss, i've been given J's company in my dreams. i suddenly dream of him every night. they are peaceful dreams. we are just kinda together. last night, i dreamed that we were sitting on the steps leading up to an elevated subway platform. we just sat close to each other, friendly, catching up. i was telling him about my dance classes. he had a big gash on his face as if he'd been in another fight (or maybe he was sick). i didn't comment on it. after a while he wanted to give me a kiss... just a peck... and i decided to hug him first and/or instead ... either way, we didn't get very far, for the moment we touched a man came up the stairs to stop us. it was a tall black guy with dreadlocks. J had come with a chaperone ;) ... and i was really happy he did, for we really needed that.

maybe it was my chaperone..but i didn't know the guy, so i assumed he was with j.

anyway, i thought it was kinda funny that i put a chaperone into my dream.

i don't know why i love this man... but loving him, i do. still. unconditionally. always. ... and, regardless of how i feel, we can never be, for he is completely and utterly dysfunctional. the only way he'll save his own life is if he stops _all_ intake of intoxication and accepts weekly therapy (and unfortunately, it seems, regular medication) as the way to keep it straight in life.