"death cafe" in my head

if you've been reading this blog, you know that i have had a lot of mystical experiences since J died. experiences i have never had in my life before. even though, at that moment they are undoubtedly some sort of sign, as my heart is in charge, i usually end up questioning what has happened, for i inevitably return to my skeptical self, searching for rational explanations... or, at least, one type of explanation that could make sense in this world somehow.

for example, one question i had: ... how come some people have these experiences after loved ones have died and others don't? although, so far, almost everyone i have met - even one of my atheist friends (who is convinced she is imagining things) - has had such an experience after her sister passed away. BUT, just for the sake of the argument - let's say, it is just a sub-set of people who has these experiences, then my question would be: why? is this a choice that can be made by the deceased? are they even conscious of anything? is there something like a hell or a not so great place to be after you die? but how could there be? how could an all-forgiving God not forgive the ones that have been shaped by a horrible environment growing up, or who have lost their moral compass along a difficult path with nothing but bad influences, or the ones who are just mentally ill? clearly, the latter would be excused, right? but then - does that mean an ill jeffrey dahmer would go to heaven and a child soldier who is broken by his fate will go to hell for having become an adult who can do a lot of bad, for he is so desensitized about what is truly immoral?
i think, not. ... so - in the end there would be forgiveness for everyone. even the ones who got lost on the way and became "evil". even the dictators?  .. yes - so, that is the constant back-and-forth in my head. asking and answering. philosophizing. theorizing and then questioning my own theories. it can be maddening at times. i want answers!

why couldn't we have an arrangement in which the deceased could officially communicate to tell us about the after-life. or, wouldn't it be neat if they could write one letter to the loved ones who were left behind? one letter. 6 months after they die. this way, the ones left grieving would have something to look forward to ... but, that would be a lot of pressure, i suppose. not everyone can write a letter, or say the right thing.
maybe, that's why the messages come the way they do. in little signs. some more subtle than others. it's like a letter substitute, but, we have to really tune in and pay attention.

then, i thought, ... why are the deceased staying around at all? and where or with whom are they staying around? can they be in more than one place at once? are they following patterns? do they have mortal desires still? which ones do they still have? are they aware of anything? do they learn about their new existence over time? do they stay around (or visit) only until their loved ones die? i mean .. in the grand scale of things, whatever life times are left over of the ones still walking around breathing, is probably not a very long time. or do they check in to see their grand and great-grand children grow?

too many questions. i want answers. and since the only way to know is to be dead, i guess, i will always remain without certainty.
this sucks.
the only thing i cling on to now is the saying (or... actually..it's from one of the Abrahamic books...the Quran, or the Bible, or Torah... wait...if it's in the Bible, it's probably also in the Quran.. anyyywayy .... here it is - my comfort:  "all will be known in the end."

i miss him so much, it's sickening sometimes.
but i don't cry every day anymore. ... i guess, that's a step forward.