Today was a rough day...
This week has been a rough week .... and it's only Monday.
This year has been emotionally exhausting so far ...and, yes, it's only February.
I am sitting here and my chest has been hurting since yesterday. It's stress, I know it. Chest pain is a familiar sensation I began to experience last year, when my old boss spent months bullying me, screaming at me, berating me, cursing, ... just completely letting himself go -- because I let him. I let him. And if you let someone abuse you they will continue. Nobody stops abuse but the victim (or in lucky instances an advocate for the victim).
It's hard to believe but the supervisor assigned to me after they moved abusive boss number one was just like the latter dude, but on steroids: Every day, a good serving of micro-management served with a dash of unprofessional, loud, or berating behavior depending on his mood.
If it weren't for the way my parents raised me -- without a word of personal criticism ever -- I would have probably thrown myself off my office building already. Luckily, I'm sufficiently self-righteous and my self-esteem is pretty deep-rooted.
--
So, back to my rough week.
It started out with J not returning from his outing again. Another crevice carved into the relapse tally board.
Naturally, my sleep was restless and short, however, the latter probably is due to the fact that I was off from work last week and really tried to seize every minute of my 24 hours in the day, completely throwing off my circadian rhythm. On Saturday, I went to bed at 4 o'clock in the morning, so, I'm not really sure why I was surprised when I couldn't go to sleep the night after, leaving me only with about 4 hours of sleep to rise into Monday morning.
I didn't know what I was dreading more: my first day back at work or the afternoon court date, at which I had to once again go battle my ex-husband. And to use the word "battle" is actually a completely unsuitable description, for after the judge had decided he needed to pay me over $700 every two weeks, I said that this "exorbitant amount" really wasn't necessary. Now, why the hell would I say such a thing? I really have a problem being matter-of-fact and merciless. I don't know why I felt bad for him. He earns exactly the same salary as I do, he lives with a partner that makes over 100k/year, he lives in a house in a nice NYC suburb, he is going to ARUBA in a few weeks, and over the years I have waived thousands of dollars he owed me in child support, because I felt bad for putting him in debt or so severely messing with his finances. I have tried and tried to come to an agreement just between us but he never kept up his side of the deal. He just didn't pay anything. So, ultimately, I had to go to court. And what a head-ache that was. It took me over a year to successfully process my paperwork, which the agency lost _twice_ not to mention the fact that they completely misinformed me. I should have gone to court (with a petition for enforcement) right away. Filing for child support doesn't DO anything but record that you have done so. Going to the Child Support Agency was also one of the most depressing and frustrating experiences I've ever had. The woman who was supposed to process my paperwork, had no words of advice whatsoever, sighed at every question I asked, and eventually told a co-worker sitting across from her how "sick and tired" she was of this job...WHILE I am sitting right next to her! But it gets better. She then hands me a customer satisfaction survey to fill out and return to her. Ehm - what? ... So, of course, I had to write that her service was 'excellent' and that she was 'great', cuz we all know where my paperwork would have ended up if I had put down anything else. Unfortunately, the woman was so incompetent, she misplaced my paperwork anyway and I didn't realize this until months later. And you can go ahead and try calling them. It's pointless. Except, of course, if you are my ex-husband who just has this magical touch with people (the gift of gab). When he called the agency, they told him that he shouldn't pay anything and just keep receipts of his expenses regarding the children. What receipts? He wasn't paying anything. What kind of customer rep would give such advice at an agency whose primary purpose is to get money out of refusing fathers?Anyway -- long story short. The judge gave him the numbers and, even though, I shaved a good 500 bucks off the amount she originally stated, he ended the day with hate messages, which he bombarded me with using mobile texts. I thought, it couldn't get worse than the last time, when he told me, the more I rely on the courts to get him to pay, the less the children will see of him. This evening he actually told me that he wishes we didn't exist and that it would be better if we (the girls and I) were dead. He said that he doesn't want to see the kids or me ever again.
What a hurtful and immature thing to say. Those girls (now 11 and 8) LOVE him and they already miss him as it is. He used to have them every weekend but, after our last court date, he cut it down to every other weekend, most often just a day and a half.
This just breaks my heart.
So, summa summarum, my life is a bit shitty these days. I also seem to have developed a thyroid issue, which, I hear, can be stress-related.
I try to remind myself, that despite the stressful, misogynistic job, the troubled, homeless boyfriend, and the crazy, hate-spewing ex-husband, things are good. I am not taking my blessings for granted. The girls are healthy and happy, I _have_ a job to support my kids and remain independent, my homeless, troubled boyfriend loves me, I have a couple of really lovely friends, we don't live in a war-torn country, I have luxuries such as WiFi and HBO (yeih - GIRLS and Flights of the Concorde). I have to be grateful.
But I also have to strive to bring more positive energy into my life. Let's start by not obsessing about the thoughtless words of the ex, and plans to find a different job. Maybe throw in some daily yoga and meditation for better balance.
And don't forget to have faith, give thanks, and pray for all the people less fortunate.
