looking for a path to zenhoodness (let's make this a word, can we?)

I wonder if I will one day look back at this and be embarrassed (at/for myself) that I have stayed with a man like J. First of all, it's completely uncharacteristic of me to be with a guy who drinks and then a guy who regularly loses all control (if not with drugs then by excessive drinking). In addition to that comes the fact that he continues to take money from me, rides, the car, …basically I am wearing the pants in this relationship (AGAIN) and I’m tired of it.

I want a freaggin’ man who stands on his own two feet, a man who appreciates the good I have managed to preserve in this dark world (and I am saying this without trying to pat myself on the shoulder – but it looks like lying and cheating has become some sort of norm, so I am definitely not normal anymore.). I want my mate to be generous and kind to me, not constantly thinking awful thoughts and keeping some sort of score (skewed by all kinds of false assumptions).

I am wondering whether I am hanging on to J so desperately because I feel like it can’t get much better than that (as crazy as this sounds, considering the abundance of break-up material he continuously presents me with).
I am afraid that I am clinging on to an illusion of a partner, for I am convinced that what comes beyond this relationship is eternal singlehood (really? not a noun?) and I feel like that’s even more of a waste than trying to make J see what he’s got. – How pathetic is that?

Lately, however, I feel like I am beginning to lose hope. I want him to succeed and be happy. I want us to be together and enjoy each other’s company as we do when things are good (which mostly means: when he’s sober). I really have never experienced such chemistry and inner peace as when I spend time with him. It’s like this is who I’m supposed to be with. I am wondering, though, whether this is sustainable on the long run. I can make it through a lot of tough relationship challenges but the lying and the mistrust from his part is a killer combination…or at least, that’s what it feels like. I am trying to figure out, whether it has to be. Is it possible to distance myself enough for this kind of behavior not to affect me? Some people would call that ‘throwing yourself into denial’ but I would like to refer to it as ‘exploring a state of Zen’.

the coat that caused a relapse

J has relapsed again. Called me about 25 times last night. Drunk. Incoherent. Upset. Then not upset. Hanging up. Calling again. It was a nightmare.

I have a strong suspicion that the reason for his relapse is – once again – mistrust on his part.

A few days ago we had a fight about a coat he had come over with a few weeks ago, left here, and forgot about (or so he claims). I remember him wearing this jacket, not sure why he left it, but I hung it up to give it to him the next time I thought of it.

He happened to have come without a coat this weekend and when we were about to leave for the store I told him to put on the jacket he had left. He acted (?) as if he didn’t know what I was talking about. Then he put the thing on. It was huge on him. Hmm, I thought, maybe a donation coat from his shelter times – so? But he was already raging… That’s NOT my coat!! he exclaimed. …. Then he put it on the couch…and told me to check the pockets. I found receipts, thinking they’re his. Linux, IT, Joseph Campbell books, etc. … He came over, raging, snatched the receipts and pointed to the top which showed a name: Liotta. … I was confused… Who is Liotta? … “Charles Liotta!” he yelled angrily. CL was a friend of his he’d been jealous about. He is actually jealous of everyone but during Charles-times I didn't know that, yet, and was my usual open and friendly self. Anyway, he was making suspicious and hurtful comments for so long that I just stopped talking to the guy to shut J up.

It took me a little while to figure out how Charles’ coat could have ended up here. He had not been to this house for years and I hadn’t spoken to him in over a year.

Anyway, I then put things together – because I actually REMEMBER J coming over with that coat….I just couldn’t remember packing it up (when I went to his mother’s house to get clothes for him), which is certainly how this coat ended up in J’s possession. Charles also used to live at J’s mom’s apartment and left a lot of his stuff in her closets when he moved out.

Now – I am wondering – did J plant that coat to create a scenario which may create an opportunity to interrogate me about a suspicion he may have been walking around with? And if it is -- how awful is that!? …that means he continuously thinks I am cheating on him….even when I am under the impression things are going great.

The question is: is it possible to be with a man that thinks about you this way? It’s so hurtful, so insulting. I’ve been considering whether I should force myself to step out and mess around with someone just to come back and report to him – SO HE CAN SEE that I am not the type to cheat and if for whatever reason I were to step out, he’d be informed at our next encounter (demonstrated by my forced example). But the mere thought of messing around with another man repulses me. …That’s actually kinda sad….and oh-how-ironic….since J is probably thinking all kinds of horrible things of me. ….sigh.

How can I make myself not care about the way he thinks? Why does that even affect me?? It does.
I guess, what people think of me is important to me but what my mate thinks even more so. I want him to see what he has….appreciate what he has…..otherwise, why do I hold myself to such high standards? AND here we are at the core of the issue…. WHAT HE THINKS SHOULD NOT MATTER. I hold myself to high standards and that should be enough. Of course, that's difficult to uphold when your mate can be such f***-up some times.

So now I am wondering: How can he be o.k. with this thought in his head? If he really thinks I am secretly messing around with Charles (ugh, just the thought of such a scenario makes me uncomfortable) then how could we have an honest, good, and clean relationship?

Besides the fact that this hurts me (him thinking this way), how will such a suspicion influence his actions? He’s already doing inappropriate cr*p behind my back. Will such a crazy thought in his head take him to the next level with whatever he is already doing?

The sad part is that I think I know how exactly this thought is most definitely affecting him. Why else the relapse? And to think that he has absolutely no reason to go there. He's always a victim of his bad thoughts.

I am wondering whether it may be best - for him - if I were to remove myself from the equation. It appears that I am a trigger and I will probably remain a potential trigger throughout our life together -- and that WITHOUT even actually doing anything wrong.... His mistrust seems to be enough to send him spiraling down the dark hole.