I feel weak, easy, like a push-over, in-consequent, used, … I don’t know… all these things and not.
I’ve let J come back into my life as my friend, which was o.k. at the same time as it was surprising to me that I had no ill feelings against him (except, of course, that he abandoned me….which, of course, he didn’t….he just is his own victim and because I am with him I got dragged down, as well, this time – because I _needed_ him.).
I was pretty resolute about my decisions to be friends from now on. I didn’t feel attracted, even (until yesterday, when my whole resolution went down the toilet). J called me a day or two after I was released from the hospital. He was just at the final stages of “kicking” the heroin addiction he had gotten himself into during this last relapse. He confirmed my suspicion that he had spent the days during which I lay in the hospital high out of his mind (feeling close to death), in deep depression, at the shelter (surrounded by dozens of other crack and heroin addicts – the NYC shelter system really _is_ unbelievable).
The moment he was sober again – trying to get up and tear away from all the horrific sh*t he was into – he called me. I spoke to him; I told him how I felt about what he had done; he cried – I assume, feeling guilty…. or maybe they were tears of fear -- that he had f-ed it up so much that I was about to tell him I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. I don’t know.
Anyway, he showed up twice in the past week and at both occasions spent several hours keeping me company – which, I tell you, I truly appreciated since it looks like all my friends have forgotten about me (and the fact that I am locked in this house).
Yesterday – Sunday – was particularly bad. I felt so lonely and so depressed (having been at home alone for two weeks now) that I started crying while watching Mad About You episodes on youTube (--because they have such a nice relationship, and so many friends and family members around them….to be there for every little thing) ;). Later in the afternoon, J chatted me up to share that he was in the same low and lonely mood. Watching too much youTube and eating an entire cheese cake by himself. We talked for a while and I kept pushing that he should introduce himself to his lady roommates (oh – did I mention he got a room in an apartment? Sort of like a dorm room…on full scholarship…from Columbia…he really _is_ freaggin’ lucky. I was very happy for him, when he shared the news. After the Financial Aid team had seen his grades (excellent) and heard his story (homeless, walking to school for 2 hours because of lack of money, etc.), they basically waived all their policies and told him that “he is going to graduate from Columbia and he is not going to do this from a shelter.”
Anyway, so now he lives with 4 female roommates. Great. Why do I care? I don’t know…but I have jealous rage fantasies… Nevertheless, I kept pushing him to hang with them (so at least one of the two of us could change their depressed lonely existence.). – Then I went on a sad walk by myself [my first outing] and when I got back saw that he had been calling. I got back on chat and he announced that he will be coming over to see me. I didn’t object. Sh*t, I was totally depressed….
We then went to the grocery store to refill my fridge [nobody had gone shopping for me except for B at one occasion for a few things], and he helped me refill my gas-tank. When we got back he put all my groceries away and we finally sat down to hang out.
After an hour or so (of music, talking, watching a TED lecture, talking some more) my eyes started closing. I was still feeling under the weather from the surgery (tired all the time) but I was so afraid that he would leave if he caught me sleeping (he had started doing a bit of web-design), that I pretended to read. It’s pathetic. … Really…. I have no one.
When he shut down the computer because he realized I was getting sleepy and he took this as his cue to leave, I told him not to; that I wasn’t tired… that we could watch a movie.
He asked if we could snuggle while watching the movie and because I was still a bit drowsy I didn’t think twice about it and said yes. “I can touch you?” he asked with great surprise. “I didn’t know!” …and he immediately came over to claim a big, tender, long hug, which I just fell into without any demonstration. And – yup – from there on, it kinda was a done deal… I had crossed the point of no return. I had touched him…and worse – smelled him now even closer than when I caught just the slightest hint of his own scent as I brushed by him in the supermarket.
I tell you, this man has a spell on me or something.
I am so disappointed in myself. I should have stayed strong and resisted. … But he was so happy, as well. Soo content to just be close, to touch me, and smell me….
Humans are a mess. We are such animals. Ugh. ….. I feel like I have lost my powers. My stead-fast, rational, and cool powers. One touch by Mr. JW., one moment of closeness, and my knees soften. Not to mention when he finally (after the movie) managed to kiss me – and I gave in. It was like my head was spinning. Unbelievable.
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
This is not right. He does not deserve this level of forgiveness. This level of forgiveness is stupidity, isn’t it? Then again...God is all-forgiving so my latter conclusion or assumption cannot be true.
I just feel that he should be having to work harder to get me back. I am too easy. … I was planning on years of abstinence. … Good going, S. – 2 weeks, 3 weeks, what was it?
Also, I don’t know if he is clean (and I mean sexually). And last but not least….I don’t know when he is going to lay the roommate(s). I’m sure it’s on his to-do list and it makes me feel even worse. He denies this, of course. He says he is terrified of women (STD related fears) and that he wants me not his roommates. yea, yea.
Anyway, next to all my doubts about this remains also one undeniable fact: He has called me and visited me and helped me more than my closest friends (excluding Giselle, of course, who has been a true gem. ….other people who have helped are J’s mother, who has picked the girls up from the after-school program a few times. A very few friends have stopped by once during the first week but that was it. And the only one who visited me in the hospital was my ex-husband. Something I truly appreciated, despite the fact that I am about to take him to court (I have to) because he is simply refusing to pay a dime for his children. I just can’t carry the financial burden anymore. It’s been more than 3 years.
Anyway, Shell came over the first day I was out of the hospital to cook soup for me and sleep over. That was nice but that was it for the sick visits. She has no job right now but she will not come visit me…or even call me. MB calls me every couple of days but also hasn’t stopped by to spend any time with the one locked in this darn house for weeks. Forget the fact that I may have needed help (with some house work maybe…vacuuming…couldn’t do it…mopping – forget it….dishes, took a while….cooking, took a while until I could stand that long…. Laundry (kids) help – heavy lifting lots of bending… get me some groceries…offer help, period…. NADA. Nothing. (except for our regular ladies’ hang-out on the weekend….which has nothing to do with taking care of me…the sick/recovering friend.)
It hurts me to speak of my friends this way….but at the same time I am soo angry. I have some lousy friends (or that’s what it feels like at the moment, anyway) ….. and in the light of this…nobody can freaggin’ criticize J (something they all like to do, of course)….cuz at least he has shown up and been there the moment he sobered up. – what are their excuses?
I feel like I am raising my children in the wrong country…. (personally, I still love NYC but I got my character from Austria and the upbringing of my father (who is Arabic),…my kids on the other hand will get at least some of this selfish, dishonest, promiscuous, drug-using city society…no doubt.) …oh God, I hope I am stronger than all the outside influences… (my father did it….why can’t I? …then again…he only succeeded with me….my brother did it all….no boundaries….and drugs, selfishness, promiscuity, and other vices are not restricted to one country….it’s all just perception…except maybe, there is and will be more temptation here…..the likelihood of exposure is going to be greater in a city with millions of people than in a small town in the valleys of Austria.)
