from my letters to J:
it's not enough that i think of you all the time, wherever I go, whatever I do - wishing you were there, _now_ i also see your name again everywhere i go.
i had a phase like this - i think, it was when we were trying not to see each other for a while in the beginning -- or maybe it was before we saw each other in the beginning. wherever i looked, there was your name (first or last). almost every day... at the moment, i'm seeing your name everywhere i look. ;) -- selective perception? i don't know. -- maybe my longing for you is just so strong that i affect the physical world around me (according to entanglement theory? if you are wondering whether i've been diggining through quantum physics/mechanics then i can only say yes in so far that i've been googling it. unfortunately, i have to report that i am now not any smarter than i was before. -- entanglement theory is mentioned in the Dan Brown book [one of the many trivias he throws in] and there he mentions that "subatomic research has proven categorically that all matter is interconnected...entangled in a single unified mesh...a kind of universal oneness." -- I just had to look that up and what i found is..... wayyy too much information...and not very conclusive BUT definitely a steadfast theory that goes back to Einstein.
From the Stanford site: Quantum entanglement is a physical resource, like energy, associated with the peculiar nonclassical correlations that are possible between separated quantum systems. Entanglement can be measured, transformed, and purified. A pair of quantum systems in an entangled state can be used as a quantum information channel to perform computational and cryptographic tasks that are impossible for classical systems. [...]
Anyway, now I've got a new field to explore -- the principles of quantum mechanics and its related theories (string theory, entanglement theory, quantum chaos theory, ..). HA! - like I have the time.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
life can change
This past week has been incredibly heart-breaking for me (and I’m sure super tough for J and also his mother). Things had escalated and she had finally closed the door on him after cursing her out in front of all her neighbors in a drunken rage. … I called the ambulance to help him…get him started somewhere…but the next morning he was out again. The bi-polar thing just doesn’t seem to be evident to anyone in the psych ward anymore. He really seems to have stabilized in that area. No more episodes. I guess this is because he has desensitized to the triggers. He has seen the worst – nothing can throw him off anymore. Or so it seems.
When he came back from the hospital the next morning I told him – it was time for a shelter, for I didn’t know what to do anymore. He wasn’t going to change anything about his situation unless he would reach out for professional help. All that started with a shelter, in my opinion.
I cried, he cried….it was a slow process (the first night he came back, for there was no more space) but in the end he went and stayed. …. But that man has a guardian angel, I tell you – for he only suffered for a few days (enduring life at a homeless shelter). Two days ago – instead of going downstairs to meet up with a friend to get high or smoke a cigarette or whatever – he decided to use his little change to buy a soda instead. So there is was – up on the 7th floor of the shelter, drinking his soda, sitting in the hallway when a guy walks in and just says: “o.k. – who wants to talk (about their situation)?” J almost cried when the man told him about the program they were offering. I almost cried when J explained it to me…. and then informed me that he had entered it (the program). He explained that he was now in this recovery program (part of a church in Manhattan) and was calling to tell me and that he wouldn’t be able to talk to me or anyone for about 7-10 days now (they call it “the gateway”, phase 1). Then he would stay on the grounds for about 6-7 months (no drinking or smoking of any kind). He would be able to take any certification he would like (they finance), there is (limited) internet access and a weight room. Because it’s a church, the program also includes intense Bible study but for him that wouldn’t be a problem, he does that stuff for fun anyway (read the Abrahamic books). After the 6 months they would help him find a job and he can stay at the place to start saving money (in fact, they take 70% out of his check and make him save it for a down-payment for an apartment.) … It just all sounds like a really good program and a REAL plan.
I was soo happy to hear this news I tell you. (and so was his mother, when I passed it on).
I feel like God heard me (and him, and his mom) when I cried to heaven that I just didn’t know what to do anymore just a few days ago when I sent him away to the shelter. This – to me- was like an answer from God. I PRAY SO MUCH that J will stay there, make it through, and come out of it all rebuilt and ready to live and love life, I hope.
When he came back from the hospital the next morning I told him – it was time for a shelter, for I didn’t know what to do anymore. He wasn’t going to change anything about his situation unless he would reach out for professional help. All that started with a shelter, in my opinion.
I cried, he cried….it was a slow process (the first night he came back, for there was no more space) but in the end he went and stayed. …. But that man has a guardian angel, I tell you – for he only suffered for a few days (enduring life at a homeless shelter). Two days ago – instead of going downstairs to meet up with a friend to get high or smoke a cigarette or whatever – he decided to use his little change to buy a soda instead. So there is was – up on the 7th floor of the shelter, drinking his soda, sitting in the hallway when a guy walks in and just says: “o.k. – who wants to talk (about their situation)?” J almost cried when the man told him about the program they were offering. I almost cried when J explained it to me…. and then informed me that he had entered it (the program). He explained that he was now in this recovery program (part of a church in Manhattan) and was calling to tell me and that he wouldn’t be able to talk to me or anyone for about 7-10 days now (they call it “the gateway”, phase 1). Then he would stay on the grounds for about 6-7 months (no drinking or smoking of any kind). He would be able to take any certification he would like (they finance), there is (limited) internet access and a weight room. Because it’s a church, the program also includes intense Bible study but for him that wouldn’t be a problem, he does that stuff for fun anyway (read the Abrahamic books). After the 6 months they would help him find a job and he can stay at the place to start saving money (in fact, they take 70% out of his check and make him save it for a down-payment for an apartment.) … It just all sounds like a really good program and a REAL plan.
I was soo happy to hear this news I tell you. (and so was his mother, when I passed it on).
I feel like God heard me (and him, and his mom) when I cried to heaven that I just didn’t know what to do anymore just a few days ago when I sent him away to the shelter. This – to me- was like an answer from God. I PRAY SO MUCH that J will stay there, make it through, and come out of it all rebuilt and ready to live and love life, I hope.
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