bitchin' mama is back

i'm frustrated today - why else would i be here, blogging.

i really should stick to venting on this anonymous blog instead of on my facebook page. it's just so embarrassing to air out your dirty laundry with people who know you but not really. and you never realize that fact until it's too late and everybody has already read your jerry-springer-like status update that proclaims your boyfriend "is a stinkin', lying coke-head" or something like that.

anyway, why am i here today. first of all, i have too much work, which leads to inevitable procrastination on my part. in fact, the more sh*t i have on my to-do-list, the less i get done. it's like i buckle against it. (buckle against it? is that english? maybe it's "buck"...i gotta look that up.) .... anyway, so my sub-concious self (aka the slacker and life-balance-keeper in me) goes on strike and starts doing completely irrelevant bs off my personal "to-do"-list.

so, my previous blog was all about hatin' on my ex-husband (then - husband of 12 years) and now that i've divorced the man, i am bitching about my boyfriend. this blog is nothing what i've intended it to be. epictetus-wannabe & sapient musings, my ass. i am and will remain bitchin' mama, i suppose.

anyway, so the fact that my boyfriend of now almost 2 years - wow it's hard to believe i've been separated from my ex for that long.... - anyway, to get back to the beginning of this ADD-ridden sentence: the fact that my boyfriend of almost two years now is supposedly my 'soul-mate', if there is such a thing, doesn't change the kind of personality i have, which is quite complicated when it comes to relationships.
-- why?
here is what i do: ... i am the "perfect" mate, i stand by you, i'm faithful, loyal, forgive you all your shit and slip-ups, all your lies (in other words: you can go wild and i'll be tolerant and understanding, with the occasional talking-to in hopes of changing your behavior), i'll pay for you, i'll take care of you, i'll love you, i'll believe in you, you you you. but, deep inside i just don't want to be in a relationship. ...well, not true maybe.... i don't want to LIVE with a man. relationship is ok. see you every couple of days. have fun.
unfortunately, i sabotage this sentiment somehow, and i am not sure why. maybe it's insecurity that if i let you roam free inbetween you'll f' me over and bring home an STD or something....
or maybe it's the fact that my expectations of a mate are so low that i just don't want to deal with it.

the current situation with my boyfriend is a problem.
yes, i love him to death. seriously, it's not normal how much love i have for this guy. especially, considering the fact of how he's treated me for the past two years....he loves me with the same intensity, is the one thing i am sure of. unfortunately, that doesn't affect the type of person he is. he is a notorious liar, doesn't respect women very much but at the same time doesn't show that and in fact, courts some of his female friends like there is no other girl as special as she is. the annoying thing is that half the time he doesn't realize what he is doing and saying...or what kind of impact it has. i'm sorry, dude - if you quote "wuthering heights" to a chick, then tell her you're obsessed with talking to her, you are sending a message!

ehm, yes.... this brings me to my latest inner debate. i've become one of these chicks who invades her man's privacy (check his phone, read his mail, whatever) to look for incriminating evidence (although, in my opinion, if i am in a committed relationship with you - which i treat like marriage - then you shall have no privacy with another woman. sorry. then be single).

before j, i have never done this. never. so, this says something about how insecure i am in this relationship and how little trust i have in him. second, i don't go digging; so far, on these few occasions, it's always been an open face-book browser window he's forgotten to log off from (something he usually is very religious about). well, i'm sorry that i can't resist clicking on the message carrying the subject line: i wish i could just bottle you up and take you with me everywhere". and this from a chick he's liked since freshman year in college, and recently asked on a date again - DURING our relationship! (this i found out, because i once -lovingly- brought him food to the computer as he was typing that message, and happened to glance over to see one word stand out in all caps: ONE DATE (the full sentence read: i'm still hell-bent on taking you on at least ONE DATE.) this was a few months ago.

the message thread i mention above (with the wuthering heights love confession - which he denies as having that significance - and the obsession of talking to her) i've discovered a few days ago. wanting to shut down the computer, in the middle of the night. and the stupid facebook window was open.
not only did the message thread upset me in its nature, it also revealed other lies. for example, he isn't in any stinking book-club with her and that's not what they talk about on fb. he just happened to mention that he is reading this book and later on he quotes this super-loaded passage to her.... so, yes, man...technically you were talking about the book. but you damn well know that's twisting the truth - and you're an a-hole. .... but, that's the thing. he thinks like a teenager sometimes, for he is truly convinced he is telling the truth, although the whole truth looks very different.

ugh. >:<
anyway, ...so this brought up my whole inner conflict about what is worse: me reading his mail or him having lied? :/ ....it's an ethical conflict, really.

j tells me i have lost my calling; i should have been a cop, for i believe incriminating findings justify the methods. like drug-sniffing dogs in high-schools. i don't see the problem, and he goes all civil-rights-activist on me, which is funny, for he is usually the conservative republican and i'm the liberal.